Sunday, February 17, 2013

Clarity

I find there are few things in life that will give you as much clarity, inspiration & peace as your children.

With my pregnancy for my son Nehemiah, amidst all the morning sickness, aches in the body, bi-polar mood swings, and sleepless nights, there was a slow understanding of myself  and a contentment with life that began to unfold. And the layers are still unfolding...

Many of my friends and family know, the difficulty I had adjusting to my pregnancy and being a new mom. It has certainly been anything but an easy 29 months,  but it's funny, I hear people say they wouldn't change anything about their life, that they have no regrets, I've never agreed with that statement it seems ridiculous to me, but when it comes to my son, there is absolutely not a single thing I would change, because he has forced the plot in my life to move forward, and demanded my character development to keep up. I remember holding him, the first few days of his life and thinking to myself, "anything could happen right now, and nothing would ever take away this joy, and nothing could ever touch my love for you." For the first time, my heart felt invincible, it could not be broken or bittered, but could only love. Looking back now, I know that moment broke something for me, and launched me into a new evolutionary stage of becoming the woman I am suppose to be.

I am so painfully aware that someday my son will be capable of breaking my heart, and that he may do it. Just as I know I have broken my mom and dad's at times. Your children teach you so many lessons, by just being there with you, one of the small things my son has inadvertently taught me is the difference between an apology and true repentance. With the depth of the love for my son running so deep into my core, only surpassed by the depth of love i have for my husband, I remember the fights with my parents growing up, especially in my teenager years, particularly, one night, I don't remember what we were fighting about, but I remember screaming at my dad "I fucking hate you!!".. and I remember his eyes. I have already apologized for saying those hurtful words, I knew it was wrong, and I knew it hurt him. But now, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, like my spirit has been ripped open, my heart pummeled and my breath taken. Understanding now, the pain my father may have felt, and not just wanting to apologize to admit I was wrong and make amends, but to heal the pain I have caused and making him feel even more loved then ever before. How would I feel if the light of my life, my beautiful boy,  said those things to me? When you are a parent, you don't have the choice to protect yourself and build walls, you are raw and vulnerable. When you understand the pain that you've caused somebody else, you can start to clean up the mess and repair the relationship.

My goal, my mission, and my priority with my kids is to have an unbreakable connection with them. That they know, they always have access to my heart, and hopefully I will be able to gain their trust, and in return, they give me access to theirs. My goal is for my kids to trust me and love me because they know I love them. Which brings me to an even deeper level of clarity for my life, and how it will be set up. Knowing that my goal in life, next to my marriage is to have a strong, healthy relationship with my kids. Building good relationships requires me to be whole, and for me to have the ingredients to build, humility, honesty, love, generosity, trust, and time. The more I zero in on showing the ones I love that I love them, the more the landscape of my life and future change, and the more I am at peace with who I am.

I just really have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this week, and I realized. I don't want to be what the modern woman looks like. I don't want to have it all. I don't furthermore because I can't.We cannot have it all without sacrificing something, or worse but most common someone. I feel like it's almost frowned upon now, to stay at home with your kids for 20 years, I almost feel afraid or ashamed to say my priority in life is to bless my husband and children, not to have it all. I don't feel oppressed investing in those I love and I don't feel ripped off for their love and success being my return.My husband and I are equal, but different, we bring different resources to the table, and we need to be true to ourselves for even have those resources cultivated to give. But getting to this point of understanding...was a journey,because I certainly didn't feel like this the first year of my son's life, even though there was many magical moments. Moreover, I recognize, that I certainly have not arrived, nor have I even defined the type of woman I am becoming, I am still on that journey.

But I encourage the young women in my generation to listen to your heart and do what you want to do with your life, not because you feel like it is what you are suppose to do, or what others are telling you women today should be doing, but because you want to. If you don't want to be a mom, now or even ever, that's your choice, so make it for you don't let anyone else make it. I 100% believe the world will be more balanced with women working alongside of men and vice versa. Just do it for the right reasons, like I said above, women have unique resources that only they can bring to the tables of their homes or the tables of their boardrooms.