Parenting Goals: Living Arrows

Psalm 127:3-4 Children are a gift from God, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are your children ...” 

So many people, myself included in the past, view children as burdens not blessings. To paraphrase quote Francis Chan “most parents are carrying around sticks -they aren’t sharpening their kids into arrows” 

Warriors of old when the Bible was written would have had to handcraft each arrow with the greatest attention of detail to the weight, sharpness and , angle -otherwise the arrow would not shoot straight, if the enemy was missed by the archers , the entire foot army was vulnerable going into battle. 

As a result we have been exploring different avenues and approaches to education. We have homeschooled, taken on a Montessori approach and have connected to a private Christian school in the area. And the reason is simply this: I want our home to be a launching pad the shoots arrows of light and love straight into the heart of the enemy and the darkness of the world. I don’t want to protect them, I’m not scared of public school or secular education. I feel a burning conviction that for me to be a successful "archer"  I must slow down, make the time and take the time to CRAFT & train "my arrows". I'm trying to follow the Holy Spirit's leading in knowing each one of my children fully and wholly  so I can equip and support them to do what they were created to do.

 IN THIS SEASON - I feel that I am to pour myself out for my children so that they fly true and straight in a world of conformity and confusion. Will I homeschool for life ? Who knows? I’m not against it, I’m not for it - my priority is to raise up world changers and I’m committed to taking care of myself, home and them so I can finish the race I now see & know God has set before me. 

#intentionalparenting #livingarrowsacademy#homeschooling #takingtheleap#raisingworldchangers #momsofinstagram#momblogger #calledqualifiedequipped#livingarrows #warriormommy #embracingthecall

Self Care In The Struggle

It’s been a challenging year in many regards, seasons when I just had to take it day by day, but one of the main takeaways from all of this was learning how to strengthen, nourish and pick my own self back up again.  I would say the theme of this year for me was self-care. And I don’t mean bubble baths and spa days - although that would be amazing and I’m sure revitalizing, no self-care for me this year was about having compassion for myself, investing in myself, listening to myself, validating myself & finding ways to re-fuel & fuel up myself -stopping to expect myself to perform well on empty. Here’s a list of the things I did, bought and changed to provide care for myself - you will notice, most of these things cost money. If you are looking for free ways to love yourself, I’m sure you can find them, but I had to stop the narrative of me not thinking it was worth it to spend money on just my happiness, satisfaction, health or development.  It’s always been easy for me to justify practical investments or even splurges on my husband or kids, but for just me… I could and would often convince myself I could do without, I could be resourceful and find a cheaper alternative but honestly … it was a lot of just plain old not valuing myself. I couldn’t attach barely any dollar amount to myself because I couldn’t see my worth. So that will lead into the first “item”

1. Spending Money On MySELF :  I chose, and continue to choose letting go of guilt or shame for spending money on me. I’ve pushed back on my husband on things I wanted (which he never had an issue with - he just was not use to me vocalizing my needs and wants as I really hadn’t in the past) I started incorporating a budget for me. “$10 a month for this, $50 a month for this… $100.00 a month for this.” I am the matriarch of my home and family - I have A LOT of responsibilities - even in easy “care-free” times, I’m still the Queen. What would happen if I dropped dead? Literally? Or I am dying mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Any organization is always capped by it’s leader. What I found out when I hit empty and still had to be a Queen? It’s expensive. Knowing yourself and proactively caring for you may seem expensive - but I promise you - reactive spending and allowing for “leaks” in your physical, mental and spiritual health is 10 times for expensive. So if this is new for you - expect to spend more money now, digging yourself out of a pit , then you will need to spend long-term to keep yourself going on dry land. Sure there are seasons or times where you don’t have extra money to start spending on you, but for me, even us having a strict budget to keep a family of 6 running - I saw money being wasted, I was even wasting money. Making sacrifices, even with what I spent on my kids , and re-allocating resources for me - so I could be the best version of myself which will benefit all who live in my land.
2. Boundaries: In all my relationships, from my parents, to my husband to my children to my friends. I started having a voice, not one that bulldozes people or has a take it or leave it attitude, but not one that is apologetic either. The 2 challenges in communication with my relationships for me is 1. Softening my delivery - getting your needs met in relationships when your attitude has always been “I’m good.” can feel like your gasping for oxygen, breathing for the first time. This can trigger a lot of negative  emotions, and vulnerability which for me can easily trigger my fight or flight response 2. Staying firm even though I’m being gentle. I’ve had to walk away from relationships that would not let me change the narrative around me, I had to have hard conversations with other people to change that narrative. Still I had other people I had to stop chasing and with my kids. I had to start telling them, “I’m in the bathroom… I’m not going to talk to you right now. You can wait.” 
3. Validating my joys and strengths:This was probably one of the hardest things for me to spend money on - things that brought me joy or were beneficial to just me. But the funny thing is with those bad money cycles with unmet needs, in the past I would often find myself overspending in other areas or reactive spending , going out for one thing and blowing the budget instead, I would liken it to being starved and than show up at a banquet and overeating and gorge yourself because 1) you hadn’t fed yourself in so long you lost touch with when enough is enough and 2) You don’t know when you are going to “eat” again - so you fill yourself past capacity.  I start spending money on makeup again, getting my hair done, clothes, I started buying some of my favourite foods in the groceries again, instead of buying goldfish and veggie straws, I bought just one and bought myself a $5.00 slice of Brie. I began to search for and honor the things that brought me joy. One of the definitions in the bible for joy is “an inner delight” I started carving out time, resources and space - in whatever way I could afford to prioritize things and experiences that only brought internal benefits, it may sound like total luxury, especially for moms, but I think that we are actually made and designed for joy, so it is perhaps a luxurious necessity.
4. Mental Health - All the health. Yea .. I invested in some therapy this year - again. I’ve got a good streak going! But trying to prioritize me and starting to take care of me, brought a lot of beliefs, mindsets and patterns to the surface not to mention how it impacted my relationships were I often played the role as either a doormat or a guard dog. I hear such a strong narrative around therapy that is shame-based, embarrassment , it feels like admitting defeat or like you are majorly screwed up, but I heard once somebody comparing therapy work to going to the gym. And I think it’s a brilliant comparison. Nobody sees an out of shape or overweight person starting to go the gym and eating healthy and think “omg - how humiliating, they are losing weight, feeling better and getting stronger.” And I mean this in the kindest manner, no over-weight or obese person is thinking “oh no - if I start going to the gym, people will now see I’m overweight, or struggle with food or I’m out of shape…” When it comes to our bodies, our struggles are often visible for everyone to see, nobody is walking around in a “skinny suit” that they take off when they get to the gym and everyone is shocked. I would propose your emotional and mental struggles although may not be as blatantly visible to others, you're not fooling anybody. We all know you have issues - everybody does. Just like some people’s struggle with weight will show more easily than others,  some people’s heart issues or mental health will be more evident. So get the help. The hardest part I don’t think is realizing we need help - although that is a big awakening, it’s swallowing our pride and telling someone else, we have a weakness, we have a vulnerability, we have a problem, we need help. And just like showing up and the gym or getting our for a walk, real work doesn’t look pretty, it’s not flattering, it’s not contrived and clean. It’s messy but making your heart “sweat” both physically and emotionally is good for you. Exponentially. 
5. Physical Health : I started making doctor’s appointments, I know, that’s part of being an adult - but it’s a win for me. I know when I mentioned above about dropping dead I was being a little dramatic - but also - not. This vessel is ALL I have - my capacity, limit and impact will be crushed if my body literally can’t take it. I literally can only go as far, and stay there, as my body will allow. And I’m not talking about people with disabilities or handicaps, I’ve watched TED talks this year by people with no limbs that have done more with their life than people who have never had a single health issue. What I’m talking about is maintenance. When it comes to my body my goal is not to be “Healthy” that’s too broad and ambiguous. My goal for my body is for it to be Strengthened, Nourished and Rested and to live a lifestyle of maintaining my strength, nourishment and rest. 
6. Picking Myself Up Again: I realized with my temperament, I’m going to have ups and downs, in life there are going to be seasons of peace and seasons of difficulty and I need a plan in place for when I find myself in a valley in life how to keep going. This resulted in when I was in my “high” places evaluating, “What brought me here? What inspired me? What motivated me? What gave me energy?” I also asked similar questions with “Whos” as in “who inspired me?” and “whys” “Why was I motivated or energized?” And I began to shore up my banks. This often was me finding my favourite speakers on youtube and listening to them - sometimes before I could even get out of bed in the morning. Just lying there listening for 10 minutes to T.D. Jakes saying “You’ve got a purpose, don’t give up now, I know it looks bleak but there’s too much at stake for you to stop fighting.” Or sometimes I would listen to prayers for breakthrough. When I hit the bottom and am utterly exhausted - I’ve allowed myself to get past the point of self-regulation and being able to pray myself. I need to pull some others in to re-fuel. Podcasts and Youtube videos have been my lifeline when I couldn’t connect to friends and family. 

Heart Fragments & Splinters.

I wish I could write and drive, most of my thoughts and words come to me while driving. Today was no different, coming home after time at the park, my mind wrote out ideas and thoughts, articulating random concepts bouncing around in my imagination ... but one idea since that afternoon drive has continued to develop and enfold...

I was thinking about how often I had felt dirty growing up for the way men had looked at me, talked to me or just the way they treated me. By the time I entered my early twenties , I wondered if there was a sign on my head that said " I like it when creeps hit on me." It just seemed to be the attention I often garnered and I thought it was my fault - "something must be wrong with ME. Or everything could be wrong with me ... maybe I'm fatally flawed", I'd contemplate. It was my only logical deduction for why I would be sexual objectified by boys and men for as long as I can remember ... there must be something they see in me, or on me, that I don't see that would make them think it's alright to oogle me at 10, or whistle when I'm 12 or tell me they fantasize sleeping with me when I was a teen.

But as I drove home today, older, slightly more mature - but more importantly - much more loving and kinder to myself than I was as a child, teen and early 20 something - I realized , what I think, what they were seeing. They were seeing the innocence and vulnerability of the girl still inside of me but they also saw the woman in the girl.  The girl the could manipulate, or bulldoze over , the woman they wanted to use. Being an "old soul" so to speak - I feel that confusing maturation process starting young and often got muddled. There was a pull in both directions.

Over the past few years, into womanhood, I've realized - pieces & fragments, of the girl in me are still in there - moments in time when life and experiences surpassed my maturity level to handle them, and the emotions of embarrassment,guilt, confusion and shame, frozen with me, in me, that scared little girl - is still stuck in that moment. And no, they aren't all because of men, I was unapologetically  independent growing up, at times getting ahead of myself, in over my head, or just really not thinking things through all the way. Yes. A lot of embarrassing moments all of my own doing.

But I've slowly been going back and visiting these moments of negative emotions, when prompted by the Holy Spirit, the little and the big moments where I feel part of my personality and person hood - got stuck in that little girl and I've been going back with kindness, seeing myself with kindness, and releasing those emotions and letting them go - no longer carrying them - and letting those parts of me grow, and mature , and to who I was always suppose to be, the whole of me living my life, not fragments,not stunted, not with a limp, and not numb. Alive and at peace, peace in my own skin.

It's become my gospel, when ugliness comes out of my heart, my mouth or in my actions, asking Holy Spirit "Where are the roots of this (shame, anger, fear, bitterness, hatred... etc.)?" "Where in my life did I first feel this way?" "How did I respond to those feelings/ situation?" " How did those that I cared about respond?" ... It can be painful, but it doesn't have to be. Once I've identified the root - usually the first impression I get, I pray, very simply "Jesus, I give you this shame from that moment when I felt like an idiot when I was 10... I don't want to carry it anymore, and you already said you would." It's become my gospel, Jesus, not just "saving" me once, but showing up in every moment in my life saving me over and over again from every poison that's tried to leak in. His kindness, is the only way I can be kind to myself. I wish I could say I read it in a self-help book - I wish there was a human answer for erasing all those dirty markings we get in life - but everything I've tried to use for numbing or scrubbing clean - has fallen short. He has become my only answer to peace and maturation.

That's not to say there hasn't been any human intervention- I have found that usually the things that have hurt me, have been what's required to heal me. Good, safe, honorable men - although it took me a while to trust them - have brought a tremendous amount of healing. My husband is certainly not perfect, but he's loyal, and he has always loved and honored my body and my being. Even when I didn't expect it of him or require it - he has his own standards, he has his own character.He is his own man, and the decisions I made would have very little influence on "the code" he chooses to live by.
 I just had to learn two things. One, to let him in; two, to not put him on a pedestal.

When you are uncomfortable with yourself, you are desperate to "feel" ok , to "feel" normal, to feel loved. And if we are uncomfortable with ourselves, or uncomfortable in our own skin, our love tank is empty - you can't give or receive love well if you don't love yourself - so cliche - but in my experience it's been truth. I've realized the hard way, my love tank is insatiable when it comes to people, or things - it feels like I'm trying to build  a roaring fire, but just throwing in twigs - they are just consumed and I need to be fed more - I need something deep and unconditional - something I can't demand of any human regardless of the deeply rooted, legitimate need I have. I need that place to be filled by the one who made it , who made it so I would always be connected to Him. When God, as father, is in that place, the foundation and filling of my "love tank". I run best when I'm running full of love - and maybe my tank is designed to run 80% off of God's love and 20% off of my other relationships - if I tried, and expected my husband in all my imperfections - to love me to fill that tank - even to just 90% instead of 10% ... I'd kill us both - he'd never give enough - because he, nor anyone, would ever have the capacity to fill that space in my soul - and I'd always be in lack  - feeling fatally flawed, knowing something is missing and stumbling when anyone does or says anything that affirms that feeling.

It's only because of Christ's deep love for me, and his kindness that has held my hand as I've removed heart splinters so that I can have a heart made whole.

I hope that if you don't know His love,  kindness and grace, you'll choose to accept it tonight, as the free gift that it is. There is nothing you can do, and there is nothing that can be done to you, that He cannot bear and cannot heal.

Life is too short to live with pieces of your heart fragmented or broken, I hope you join me on this humble journey in life to heal your heart whole through the heart maker.

Fighting for Family

How we have been doing family for the past 200 years does not work.

Men leaving the home to work and women being stuck in the home was never a good solution for raising the next generation to be able to function better than one generation currently does. Either, spiritually, physically, emotionally or financially, we see lack and we've been in reaction mode for generations.

The feminist movement should have been a partnership movement. Women and men both should be respected and honoured for their gifts, talents, abilities and skills. Instead we saw a whole generation of women having to act and work like men to have equal rights and become part of a system that was already failing instead of fixing it.

Our society has set us up to have to choose between presence in the home and presence in the workforce and not operating in both. Finally, in the past few years, I'm starting to see a bit of both; women and men able to work with the family and for their family and not in spite of them.

I feel as though the rise of technology has ushered us into a new renaissance era of being able to focus on creating art and not just work for the sense of work, but working to make this world a better place, a more beautiful place. I would say this is still the exception and not the norm.

What I still see is men receiving polarized labels, he can either be a) the rescuer or b) the oppressor, when what God designed them to be was c) our partners. 

We need to stop pitting the genders against each other and start appreciating the differences, and holding the weakness accountable. Men & women are not the same. I think that because the word "equality" gets thrown around so much, our brains deduce it down to "we are equal means we are the same" there is really only true equality when we place the same amount of value on the differences and not conformity. As much as the media seems to propagate we are the same, science & history tells us a different story - and it's a good thing that we are so different.

I want to be clear when I say family - I don't necessarily mean having babies together, although I think that children are still one of the most incredible things to happen to anyone, but when I say family I mean unity. 

I think women have so much to bring to the table, and they should and they should be unhindered, but not in a way that pushes men out. We need to take responsibility for our own actions, our own emotions, our own needs - have those met in God first, than we will be able to work along side imperfect men. 

We as women have an incredible opportunity as we make advances in the workplace and our world, but let's not make them at the cost of the most precious human experience - relationships. 

The men in my life are far from perfect, they have misunderstood me at times, belittled me at others, rolled their eyes or even just ignored my ever-wise intuition. But I will not let their character defects define my gifts, my femininity or my identity. They do not control myself worth or define my gifts or their value - God does. I will not engage in toxic or abusive relationships but I will have grace for immaturity & growth & I will take ownership for my shortcomings & misunderstandings of men. 

I will not be ashamed to be a woman, and I will not be ashamed to love my husband and the other men in my life.

I am the queen of my own life and I will not let terrible men who have done terrible things stop me from connecting to & honouring the good men in my life.

My Prayer (feel free to join in):
God I ask that you would put Godly, safe men in my life. God please help me not to define manhood by personality but by character. 
Soften my heart & help me to be a blessing to the men in my life. Teach me how to forgive the men in my life who have hurt me.
 I ask God that you would help me not to put men on pedestals that I would think that my husband (or any man) owes me something, or that he completes me.  
I ask God that you would give me eyes to see so that I would not be deceived by any men who do not want the best for me. I ask God that you would give me wisdom with setting boundaries with men. Teach me how to trust again and show me who is safe to trust. I know God that you designed women to partner and work along side men, so I ask that you would bless my relationships. 
In Jesus name, Amen!

Why I apologize to my kids

         

Sometimes ... I have mental breakdowns. And those friends and family that are closest to us know the hell our little family has been going through the past 6 months, things are just starting to look brighter, stabilize and hopeful - but sometimes , I still snap. My husband and I are utterly exhausted due to his new work schedule of night shifts and our youngest son having some serious sleep regression and separation anxiety - we started this new difficult season after coming out of a gruelling experience that was probably the most compounded stressful time period of our marriage ( if not my life.) 

As I started, sometimes I snap, and for a few reasons , this morning was one of them. My husband was grumpy, my toddler was being an A-hole (straight up)  and my 18 month year old was being so possessive and clingy . My husband made a dig at me ( in response I think to a dug at him - let's be real) it was probably like a level 3 offence and I had like a level 17 reaction. I screamed, I cried, I threw a damn carton of eggs ... Who in their right mind does that? And then stormed off to go cry some more - all in front of my two little boys and my husband who was holding on to his compsure by the skin of his teeth. 

After I calmed down, I was SO humiliated. So embarrassed. I didn't even want to see my husband let alone acknowledge my toddler-level tantrum. Of course, once Ryan had calmed down, he came and found me and talked me off the ledge (he's giving me extra grace due to extra hormones!)I of course knew I had to, and did, apologize to him for my outburst and then went and sat down with the kids to restore our standard of relationship.

I know my boys are young, and may not understand everything I say to them - but I'll tell you one thing, I'm often shocked at what they do understand, so I always try to cover my bases. Something with Nehemiah (3 1/2 years) we've really been working on is yelling when he's angry (where oh where could he have gotten that from?) I try really, really hard not to yell at my kids. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room when Nehemiah is just pushing the boundries as far as he can get away with. But something I've been trying in my life, to teach him, is not to yell or respond emotionally. When Nehemiah yells at me, although it easily gets my blood pressure pumping, I try as calmly as possible to say: " Nehemiah, mommy doesn't yell at you, please don't yell at mommy." But the thing is - then you need not to actually yell. It's. Hard, but it is working. 

So this morning I apologized to my boys for 

1. Yelling 

2. Not having self control over my anger 

3. Talking rudely to their father 

4. Throwing things ( I cringe even writing it #facepalm) 

Of course Nehemiah was like, ."..okkkk... I forgive you ... Can I watch my show again ?" But I really feel it is a small way I can show respect for them and hopefully earn their trust that when mommy screws up, she will own it and fix it. Resulting in teaching them to do the same; practice self control by trying not to yell, be mean or get physical when we are angry , when we do mess up - own it and apologize to those we hurt, know that we are loved and will be forgiven and given another chance to grow. The only way I can expect my children to grow in that maturity, is to model it first myself - even when I fail. 

Where's my Knight in Shining Armour?

Lately,  I feel, God has really been challenging me on where/how I get my needs met. After sharing with a friend a few weeks ago, I don't think I'm alone.

You see, I've had this expectation of my husband and have been bitterly disappointed when he has not met it. I have really been trying to identify what it is I'm looking for out of my husband and I think I've got it narrowed down to a pretty good list:

• Has grace and understanding when I screw up
• Is always taking my feelings into account with every action he takes
• Can listen to my attacking, nagging and anger with love and not be defensive
• Never gets angry or is harsh with me 
• Is essentially my emotional punching bag, taking any and all of my immaturity with stride
• unconditional love and responses when I'm hurting and therefore hurting others (mostly like him)

Writing them down  makes it even more real, in two ways.
The first; acknowledging how absolutely selfish and ridiculous these expectations are for me to have of a man.
The second; how real and how desperately I really need unconditional love, acceptance and a safe place to screw up.

The more I thought about my dream husband, the more I realized I was longing for pretty much the exact description of the Christ figure. A man who  literally set aside everything and everyone that was important to him to show his love, to the point of his own death. Many people debate about the sin/ Saviour dynamic, but the bottom line is the scripture that everyone knows: John 3:16 "For God so LOVED the world, that he sent his only son.." His motivation was love, his agenda was love and a reconnection to his people.

Over the years I've really battled with my relationship with God and faith. Flip flopping back and forth between the things I've seen, experienced, and know that support God's existence or contradict it. As I've pressed into my marriage more and more, looking to have the healthiest , whole marriage one can have, God's plans for marriage, sex, family and relationships have always been the most sustaining and life giving. So it's really sent me soul searching again .

Now , as I feel this massive "knight in shining Armour" hole inside of me, that I know , is not my husbands responsibility to fill , although it is what he's suppose to pursue (we both are - unconditional love for each other) I know that I can't wait for my husband to figure it out , and it's not fair to him for me too. He's on his own journey and he is responsible for his heart, thoughts and actions. But I am also in charge of my own, so when I am looking to my husband to respond to me in the way only a perfect being can,  I'm setting us both up to fail .

 We are trying to teach Nehemiah now that it is HIS job to control HIS actions & attitudes, not mommy and daddy. And that his brother and other kids jobs are to have their own self control. I don't know if it's working! lol But, in trying to spell this principal out in three year old terms, it's really convicted me and reminded me again, that I am responsible for my own emotional well-being and thoughts and that my husband (to put it objectively) is just a resource to help with me managing myself , not a crutch, not the source of my happiness or peace, but someone to reference from time to time when I need help when I'm working on me.

One of the greatest lies of our generation

I have been socializing more lately in the past year then I am accustomed to. I know ... I sound like a freak ... Perhaps I am , but " friends" were never really a priority for me ... For as long as I can remember, I've been more or less content to live in my own little world. This of course results in a 

Little bit of a culture shock when I emerge from my little bubble.

It has however, been very helpful to my personal growth, and I would attribute most of these new social skills to my husband and children. 

Reading the media and being out in the world has confronted me with a view point I've been mulling over for quite some time now, and I believe it is one of the most crippling lies my generation is believing. Since all I have to go by is my own humble experience , I don't know where this "thought" emerged from, but I see the damage manifesting in almost every aspect of our lives . 

The lie is this: your life is about you .

It is heartbreaking really, as I think about my own isolation or loneliness in my own "self pursuits". The pitch that you should be " living your dream life" , "pursuing your happiness" , " if it makes you happy it's ok" and " if it (or a person) is not making you happy then stop" all sounds so empowering , but it is such a superficial power it is almost an illusion. 

I agree with the "push" (for a lack of a better word) for our independence (especially with women) and freedom and our ability to do whatever we want in this shrinking world, however, there is very little core created or refined when we are constantly navel gazing. There is no way to correct a character flaw, when you don't have anyone to call you out on it -let alone someone to help you outgrow it. My husband has probable been the biggest eye opener for this for me, not even him personally necessarily, but just being with someone who is committed to you , and my children have raised the red flag for me on how detrimental it really all is. 

Being a business woman , I am constantly being bombarded by "follow your passions" , " make the sacrifices for both you and your family" , " this is your life -make the most of it" " because you're worth it" , " because you deserve this ..." I could go on and on on all the " you " and " your" emphasizes. But to really make my life about what I want, takes about 100% of my effort, leaving no room for conformation, accountability, or correction, if my focus is always on securing my happiness and living my dream ... What do I do when I get into a relationship with someone who has been drinking the same kool-aide !? How can we both possibly live our dream lives and stay in love? The bottom line is you can't , and society, I feel, has made that ok - to forgo the latter to focus on the former "happiness." 

But it's so broken. If you really want to get the best out of life ? Fall in love ... Not just with a possible life partner, but with your friends and family. Our pursuit of happiness hinges on us avoiding things that make us unhappy , when the reality is ... You may really need to deal with those vulnerabilities, insecurities , anger and hurt to be truly happy - the catch, you can't do it alone. The beauty of a committed relationship, whether it being with a spouse or a good friend, is that they should be able to speak life and correction into your life, without the threat of you walking away. Some of you may disagree and feel that you can grow as a person on your own, and I do believe you can ... But it will be a much , much slower process , and I feel will result in regrets of not being able to get over yourself to live the life you wanted. 

I'm a bit all over the place tonight ... As I have a million thoughts running through my mind -I'm so opinionated! HAHA! But the bottom line is hold on to those people in your life, be freaking committed. I don't care anymore if I'm old fashioned, I've seen so many friends and people I know - I work with women for a living - let me tell you girls , this no commitment thing, ain't working for any of us. 

There is no reason for progression if there is an easy out. Do not pursue happiness for the sake of happiness - pursue wholeness and happiness, contentment and actual joy will be by products.(I know my friends are like Sarah-Jane joy-filled, I would like to see it , but it true I have felt joy - deep on my gut and it softens you a little each time) and furthermore it is sustainable and can grow. 

I sincerely want to thank those friends who have reached out to me and brought me into their life- you've impacted me in ways you'll never know, and of course my husband . I'm sure in every committed relationship, there is always one person who is more likely to make a run for it, I am so privileged to be with a man who never gives up on us or me. You are my greatest inspiration in life and continually teach me that "we" always trumps "me". 

P.s. There are things I have not touched on or even started to unfold , so imagine this is a part one of at least a two post process 

Thanks for reading , I hope I'm not alone in this journey. 

Xx

Sj