Where's my Knight in Shining Armour?

Lately,  I feel, God has really been challenging me on where/how I get my needs met. After sharing with a friend a few weeks ago, I don't think I'm alone.

You see, I've had this expectation of my husband and have been bitterly disappointed when he has not met it. I have really been trying to identify what it is I'm looking for out of my husband and I think I've got it narrowed down to a pretty good list:

• Has grace and understanding when I screw up
• Is always taking my feelings into account with every action he takes
• Can listen to my attacking, nagging and anger with love and not be defensive
• Never gets angry or is harsh with me 
• Is essentially my emotional punching bag, taking any and all of my immaturity with stride
• unconditional love and responses when I'm hurting and therefore hurting others (mostly like him)

Writing them down  makes it even more real, in two ways.
The first; acknowledging how absolutely selfish and ridiculous these expectations are for me to have of a man.
The second; how real and how desperately I really need unconditional love, acceptance and a safe place to screw up.

The more I thought about my dream husband, the more I realized I was longing for pretty much the exact description of the Christ figure. A man who  literally set aside everything and everyone that was important to him to show his love, to the point of his own death. Many people debate about the sin/ Saviour dynamic, but the bottom line is the scripture that everyone knows: John 3:16 "For God so LOVED the world, that he sent his only son.." His motivation was love, his agenda was love and a reconnection to his people.

Over the years I've really battled with my relationship with God and faith. Flip flopping back and forth between the things I've seen, experienced, and know that support God's existence or contradict it. As I've pressed into my marriage more and more, looking to have the healthiest , whole marriage one can have, God's plans for marriage, sex, family and relationships have always been the most sustaining and life giving. So it's really sent me soul searching again .

Now , as I feel this massive "knight in shining Armour" hole inside of me, that I know , is not my husbands responsibility to fill , although it is what he's suppose to pursue (we both are - unconditional love for each other) I know that I can't wait for my husband to figure it out , and it's not fair to him for me too. He's on his own journey and he is responsible for his heart, thoughts and actions. But I am also in charge of my own, so when I am looking to my husband to respond to me in the way only a perfect being can,  I'm setting us both up to fail .

 We are trying to teach Nehemiah now that it is HIS job to control HIS actions & attitudes, not mommy and daddy. And that his brother and other kids jobs are to have their own self control. I don't know if it's working! lol But, in trying to spell this principal out in three year old terms, it's really convicted me and reminded me again, that I am responsible for my own emotional well-being and thoughts and that my husband (to put it objectively) is just a resource to help with me managing myself , not a crutch, not the source of my happiness or peace, but someone to reference from time to time when I need help when I'm working on me.

Gossip, Confrontaion and growth

I feel like everyday is stretching me in new ways. God is doing so many things in life and I feel like every area of my life and everything I value is being questioned and challenged, and it's exhausting.

People offend me, all the time. I don't think I can leave my house with out being offended by someone, and I don't consider myself to be a prude, those that know me know I'm not; however, I have a ridiculous high standard I expect from people, including myself, and I have such a hard time with people that like don't fix the problem.

One of my biggest offenses: I hear people with the same issues complaining and whining about them for years, YEARS. Listen, I don't want to hear about the same problem over and over again, let's dig into this problem you have, find out what the real problem is and fix it!

I may get some backlash from people thinking I'm self righteous and think I'm better then everyone else, but I don't think that , I know I have weaknesses and problems just like everyone else if not more. I know what I know , and I know I am not perfect, so I don't care if you think you know what I think.

Which brings me to people with problems with me, bring it on baby, humble me. I am so sick of people talking about what issues I have , or what issues they have with me, and not just coming to me with it. If you don't like the way I handled something , or something I said or did, come tell me, don't be a coward and just talk to everyone else about it, cause you aren't helping anyone, including yourself. You are actually damaging any relationship we could have had and distancing yourself from any reconciliation.  The more you talk negatively about other people, the more that becomes truth to you, regardless of what merit it actually has, you literally project your ideas of that person on them, and if you continue to fuel your ideology about someone instead of confronting them, you can impose your ideology so much onto someone the real person disappears to you.

And I have had people tell me the problems they have with me, sometimes so inappropriately and out of line, saying I'm a bitch, I'll never have any friends, or go anywhere in life or ever get work, but you know what? I have the choice in this interaction , you are telling me how you have experienced me, and some of it is totally your perception and is not reality at all of who I am, but some of what you are saying is true, and other people probably feel the same way. I have the opportunity to work through this feedback, regardless of whether or not it was delivered properly, and to choose not to get emotional about it, but to look at it rationally and look for the truth, so I can make myself better. I usually do this in private, after I've had my head chewed off. But some of these teachers, bosses and friends that have been really honest with me about the ugly side of me, I really owe a big thank you, cause you have exposed to me areas I need to work on to make myself better.

Which brings me to deception , I heard Kris Vallotton teaching on it, it was great. So many people, ESPECIALLY in the church, only receive a word when they agree with it. But if you are deceived , you don't know, that's why it's called DECEPTION. If you can't receive any negative feedback without getting defensive? It reveals to me two  things. One, You have a blind spot -You are living in deception if people can't speak into your life any correction or constructive feedback. Two, you don't trust the other person to be telling you the truth about you. So you have some serious relationship problems you need to work out too.  I really think people need to stop thinking they are God and infallible and start saying "It's ok if you don't agree with me, I don't have to be always right, this isn't a competition, this isn't about being right, I'm not God." Stop thinking you are so fragile -your body was created with an immune system; so was your spirit, stop thinking your God and you can do no wrong.

 But back to gossip, I just don't understand it, honestly, if you have a problem with someone, regardless of their "position", talking to other people about it, instead of fixing your end and confronting the person, it's dumb and weak. You are just making things worse and trapping yourself. The truth will set you free, so no matter where you believe the lie, whether it's about a person, or life, or you tell a lie, you are going to have bondage in that area of your life.

If you continue to believe a lie about someone you are placing yourself in bondage to how you will interact and relate to that person. The only way you are going to know if you are coming into agreement with truth about someone and not a lie is by talking it out with them.

People need to start letting people reveal their broken spots. Walking around with our heads up our asses is doing nobody any favors. Relationships, marriages and families are deteriorating because of the lack of ability for people to communicate in healthy ways.

I'm just SO frustrated that people can't talk to the people they need to talk to and say what they really need to say.

If you are going to make anything in your life a priority or a goal -learn how to effectively communicate, it is a key to your well being and the well being of those around you.

Why You Are Here

So Rye and I were watching this teaching on Love and relationships (it's what we do, we are big into relationship stuff) and the speaker addressing the issue of marriage in our society today , and why should my generation even bother with getting married and how do you know when you are ready to get married (FYI: We learned we weren't ready to be married, actually we've been learning that along the way -ahhhhhh!) But essentially it boils down to this, you were created and are most alive when you are overflowing with life, -in essence, you were created to give and receive love. Ya know, I remember hearing as a little girl that God created us to worship him -so so SO not true, it's blasphemy really and quite frankly I think it makes God sad. God does not, nor ever did, nor ever will, need to be worshiped, if He is God in the one true, perfect whole God he is, he does not NEED anything from us, nor does he have a desire for insincere compliments and ass kissing- I mean who does? No we were created to receive love from first, our heavenly father, and then second from each other.

God 101: Some of you may know God, and I am referring to the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, and some of you may not, and that is tots ok. So first let me clarify what we AREN'T going to do, quote a bunch of scriptures and super-impose my belief systems on them, and try and shove them down everyone's throat. Nor are we going to debate theology, religion, nauseating stuff, etc. Essential I want to look at this Dynamic God-Person, and how who He is affects who we are. Some of you may know what the Trinity is, some may not, but the Trinity is God. God (Abba, Father) Jesus Christ (Son) and Holy Spirit. Ok so even if you don't believe, just run with me here. God , by His/Her very nature, is 3 persons in relationship, in one. I've heard the illustration comparing Her to an egg, the is the shell of an egg, the yolk of an egg, and the white of an egg. All separate parts, all functioning dependently and independently and all egg. So God is awesome and good, and He is always good and he loves this relationship he has within himself, because God IS love, God IS relationship, if relationship was a tangible thing, it would be God. SO She is awesome, and good and Loves being a relationship, it is so rewarding, so amazing, so wow. He thinks to himself, I love to create, I have created so many beautiful things, and I love them, love them all, but the trees, and the bugs, and the fish, aren't experiencing the life I am experiencing. I want to create something to experience this love and relationship. So he created Man and Woman in HIS IMAGE -IN THE IMAGE OF RELATIONSHIP AND LOVE. So that we could be walking trough life being nourished and loved and invested in and blessed and just thriving. God said I created you like me to be in relationship and to love, to create, to steward, with power and intelligence. Be fruitful and multiply , Flourish.

So here we are, perfect, blameless, in relationship and in love, but God is also freedom, because you can't have a real relationship without freedom, you can't be really intimate without freedom. When your freedom is taken away, in any form -it's abuse. God is not going to force anyone to love him or to be who he created them to be - to live at their FULLEST potential. He won't he will not violate or manipulate you to get what he wants or he thinks is right. That's why there were two trees in the garden, and that is why we always have a choice we can make daily. If I am not free to be me around you - it's not love, if I can't say no to you -there is no intimacy. It's rape. So even though you were created to be loved, to be blessed, to be nourished, you need to say yes first, cause he is not going to violate you.

Ya know what, I just want to smash down some religious strongholds that are holding people back and keeping there spirits asleep or there souls numb to recognizing the true life and the real potential they have to be living. First off , You were not created as a sinner, you were created as a saint, God did not say, hey- im gonna throw down this broken person, hopefully somebody tells him there is help. No God created you, and those passions and gifts in you , to change the world. Did you know that you are created in the image of God, and only you can reveal a certain part of her to the world? God has given you unique gifts, talents, ambitions, and he loves that stuff about you, and loves you, thinks your totally awesome and doesn't want to change anything about the real you -not the fake/false you you've had to create to survive in this messed up place, but God does not want to crush you into a robot, he created you to explore you and be the best you , you can be, and not that you have to strive or push yourself to be perfect, but because there is only one you, and you do you best, and he wants you operating at your fullest potential. And that's where sin starts interrupting shit, sin is not something God holds over people in judgement, and it shouldn't be something we hold over each other, sin is simply this: if you do this, you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. THAT'S IT. God WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU, and when you do "Blank" it makes it hard for you or someone else to operate at there fullest potential. Enter Jesus , he sees all those blanks, he knows that you haven't gotten the right information, he knows you've been hurt, abused and violated, he knows that you are going to hurt yourself and other people, and he says ya know what - I don't want your mistakes to stop you, from the awesomeness I have for you. So let me help you with that. I know what that's like - I've been here, I came here for that reason, to understand why you react the way you do so I can relate to you and help you.


Ya know, we all have choices we make everyday, you may be thinking about all the awful stuff that has gone down in history and is even going on today and think , if God really was love he wouldn't let that stuff happen - but ya know what, that is all choices, choices made by other people , not by God, because he gave you a will, she wants you to make the choice to get to know her and stop hurting yourself and others. But it's a choice and he will not ever take choices away. So that puts the responsibility on your end, he is open to a relationship, what are you going to do? Will you start making choices that are going to stop hurting yourself and others? It's that simple. A lot of pain can be stopped if we start looking at life like that. And you know what, you've been abused, you've made some big mistakes and messed up bad, you're value system is all wrong you don't know when you are hurting yourself , or others? That's when we bring in the Bible and prayer and soaking and getting to know God, you don't have to be a genius, you don't have to have it all figured out, or be perfect, He knows, and he wants to help.

I was totally going to do a marriage rant ...but this is totally random...I'm guessing someone needs to read this Cause I totally did not have the intent on going all Jesus on yo' asses lol. Please don't hesitate to msg me if you have any questions!I'm not perfect, I've got a will, and I've used it make a lot of poor decisions, but I am turning that around! Peace on every heart and "wake up!" to every spirit that reads this!

loving you is more important to me then killing you

I don't really even know where to begin. A lot has happened since my last post, a lot of overwhelming stuff, that I didn't even know how to share if I wanted to. Everyday is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, I tend to write I guess in the downs, but lately I have been WAY to down to write anything. The past two days, however, I have been surprisingly happy, and that makes me more happy, but It's a fight to hold unto that happiness. I think I am at one of the hardest points in my life so far, really having a hard look at my life right now as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a sister/daughter and as a Makeup Artist.

I'm so far from perfect. Everyone knows that, I demonstrate it on a regular bases, but I am not really honest about it with myself, I think very few people are. For about two months now, my husband's and my relationship has been really strained...as a result , I've gotten mad a lot of people, it has to be somebody's fault we are so dysfunctional.  I  start down the blame game and try to blame  the in-law's,  I think to myself "look at this man she gave me, he can't do anything for himself cause she did everything for him, if it hadn't been for her constantly accommodating her boys, my marriage would be so much better...and ugh...he's just like his father and he had no idea how to connect heart-to-heart and now I am stuck without being able to connect to my husband cause he was never taught relationship skills on an intimate level..."  And then I catch myself ...going through a list of all the people that have shaped Ryan and I to become who we are today, but ya know what? The only people that can save my relationship with husband, is him and I.It would be soooo much easier to look for people to blame, but I think I need to have a little more courage and be a little more honest with myself, I am responsible for my actions, regardless of what people or life throw my way. That is empowering in a way, but scarey at the same time, but if I have a problem, I can take responsibility for it, and fix it. The only thing I can do about the problems I see in our marriage is change my contribution. I can't control Ryan, I can try, but it will backfire. I can nag at him all I want, but is that all I want? An accommodating husband? Is that what this great romance, passion and love has been reduced to? Mutual accommodation? I think a lot of marriages have been, it's sad, I see these couples regularly who are interacting, but not really interacting, so lonely, dreams crushed. Who falls in love or gets married with the hopes of finding someone that will accommodate them for the rest of their life?


It's a fight sometimes, not just to slip into the motions, just lie down and say, "You Win! I give up" . Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier, to just have a roommate rather then a husband, actually, I know it would be so much easier. Much easier to just live our separate lives, have our separate visions, our separate dreams, our separate schedule, just be friends, without having to sacrifice for the other person. Sacrifice...not a word you hear often now unless it's about getting ahead in your career, but what about getting a head in your relationships? The thing about sacrifice is ...it's so bloody expensive. So I am faced with the question, how much is it going to cost? How much does having a living, breathing, loving, healthy relationship with my husband going to cost me? And better yet, do I want to pay it? ...should have thought about that before I signed the life contract. I think I know the answer, I know that deep down inside of me, I am willing to take who I am and invest that daily into our relationship so that our dreams, visions and life do become one beautiful love-filled life. But it's to take the first step, to put the gun down and not say "You win! I give up!" but to put the gun down and say "loving you is more important to me then killing you" HAHA! It's funny, but so true... if anyone, anyone could say something nasty about you, from who would if hurt the most? The people that you love!! When you have constant martial spats, and are tearing each other down, you are literally killing each other.


A friend and I were sharing last night and she was talking about a conference where she was at and the speaker said "When I fight with my wife, and tear her down,disrespect her, I am actually fighting with myself at the deepest of levels, because we are one." That just spoke such truth to me, holding unto every grudge, constantly judging my husband and watching him for every screw up, I am making my own life a living hell. I married this man, and said I would devote my life to him, why then, when a huge part of my happiness and well-being is dependent on him, would I constantly be sabotaging it by being a psycho bitch to him? I need to forgive him for his mistakes and release him for my nagging death grip and focus on what I CAN control...myself.

Sex...to wait or not to wait? That is the question.

I love sex. Pretty much always have,I love the electric charge through your whole body when your going in for the kill, and all the fun through to the end. Therefor, logically, you would think that sex would be easier once you get married not harder...and maybe for some people it is, but that has not been my experience so far.

I've made a number of bad decisions in my past, a lot regarding relationships and men and that has brought a lot of baggage into my life. Which, besides a bitter heart and a black soul, I was functioning fine with; however, once I got married these issues got huge, magnified times a hundred, especially in the bedroom. I asked my husband as we were lying in bed after a blissful morning (he's got the day off work and the baby has been sleeping all morning...what else are we gonna do?) Why was it easier to having meaningless sex with men that meant nothing to me, then have meaningful sex with a man who means everything to me? "I don't know" my husband responds sleepily . And neither do I, but I have a couple of ideas why it might be a little harder for me to relax now.

I think one of the worst feelings in the world, is lying in your loving husband's arms after great sex (as he starts to dose off,) and feeling like a whore, because you are remembering the other guys you've experienced this with. It TOTALLY ruins the moment. Guilt and shame and disgust rush in overwhelmingly instead of love, peace and just pure bliss. Now I'm lying there, trying to come to terms with how deeply I am in love with this man and want to give him everything, but I've already given so much away.I start to get angry at myself tears coming down my face,Ryan continues to snores away. I poke him to wake him up, and I tell him I am sorry for my past decisions, I can't even be specific it's too painful. But he knows, He kisses me sleepily on the head and tells me he loves me, he's forgiven me a long time ago and he's chosen to forget about it all, and so has God. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation, it comes up quite often. Usually when I feel close to him or really loved,the guilt comes in.

I heard growing up, in books, sermons, videos, pastors, whatever, all say to wait till you get married to have sex. And they would go on to explain why it's so important, you don't want to give little pieces of your heart away and only have a broken dirty used heart to give to your spouse. But why did I never listen?! That has been so major on my heart since Ryan and I have had to fight through this battle for me. How do you communicate to unmarried people and couples something they can't comprehend. Like I said, up until I was married, although I had had a few broken hearts and bumps and bruises, I thought that I was fine.My one night stands or friendly hook ups weren't that bad at all. I wasn't a broken woman, I wasn't just throwing myself at men. I had everything under control. But it's one game to sleep with someone that you don't see all the time or you'll only see for so long, it's another thing to sleep with someone you see all the time, and you are going to continue sleeping with and seeing for the rest of your life. Brings some weight into it. And maybe that's one of the reasons why we young people don't listen.

We see in TV,movies, advertising, music and sometimes friends sex being so casual and not a big deal. However, good sex is a HUGE deal in a healthy marriage, but most of us never get that part. It's almost like all along you've been wearing these beautiful earrings. You love them and you wear them all the time. Then one day, upon closer inspection, someone informs you, those are real diamonds and they are worth a fortune, you should really be careful. Your dumbfounded, you had no idea you've been carrying millions of dollars around with you everywhere. You still love the earrings, but you also want to protect them now that you know how valuable they are. But it's too late you realize while you've been partying and carrying on...some of the gems have fallen out and you are in no financial position to purchase new diamonds to restore them to their former glory.

How can you know how good something tastes, if you've never eaten it before? How do you go on someones word that "That pie is the best most delicious pie in the world, all pies pale in comparison!" Without having a bite? I hope I figure out how to answer this in time for when my kids are curios. I mean it's more like telling your kids that this is the best pie in the world it tastes so good you can hardly stand it, when they don't even know what pie is. I pray that by sharing my experiences other girls won't make the same mistakes I have. A lot of people say "I've made lot's of mistakes in my past, but I wouldn't change a thing." I would, I would change a lot of nights. I feel like it's not enough to simply say, trust me, you'll appreciate it later, there are too many pressures, too many temptations, too many lonely people to justify decisions making on something so untangible and unexplainable.I pray God gives me the wisdom and the relationship with my kids to be able to communicate properly the weight behind the seemingly small decisions they can make at such a young inexperienced age.

I guess I'll end this post in honoring my husband. Although he was not a virgin when we got married, he only slept with one other girl, and not because that was his only opportunity, but because he wanted to wait until he was married.I know men aren't as emotional about sex as woman are, so they don't always get scarred the way woman do. But I appreciate his constant grace and patience and love with me, as I have to heal my wounds before I can love him fully like I am suppose to. I appreciate the restoration he continues to bring into my life and how damn good he is in bed. ;)

The Logic

So I have decided to create a new blog. Not that my other one was very successful, I would only update it every 3-4 months, but I had to force myself often to come up with content to write about, it didn't flow naturally. However, I am in a new season in my life (new wife and mother), and I need to vent, and write things out to sort them.

Being a wife is amazing, but it isn't easy-especially being married young. My husband and I have known each other for years and have always been good friends and I love him very much, I love having him in my life and I love his company...but what I don't always love is living with him. Sometimes, I would love to be married, but be neighbors-that have lot's of dinner parties and sleepovers. I find this man's socks EVERYWHERE!!! It is actually mind-blowing. Every morning he says to me "Sweetheart do you know where my socks are?" And I reply in my sleep "Check the clean laundry basket..." because I do not have it in me at 5am to say "Check the dresser, or check the floor, check under the bed, check the hamper, check the closet, check the living room, check under the couch, check in the couch, check in the dining room, check ON the dining room table, check in the hallway, check in the entry room, check in the kitchen, check in the baby's room, check in the laundry room,check the car...HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU NOT FIND SOCKS WHEN IT'S ALL I SEEM TO FIND EVERYWHERE?!!?!?"...this is one of our marital problems...Ryan just doesn't know it yet. Which leads to the bigger issue really...communication...

Better communication always seems to be the answer to relationship problems, but still most couples, including myself, aren't making it a priority to communicate how they really feel. Whether it is negative or positive, and in today's society where marriage is constantly being attacked by the media I think the Positive communication is desperately needed! But woman, especially, tend to hold back the negative, FOR WHATEVER REASON, I don't know if we don't want to portray the "mother figure" or be the nagging wife, but a lot of woman let men do things that bug them all the time and not say a thing...right away. Then it flips, all the pent up frustration and resentment explodes, all hell breaks loose, and all you can say is negative things and nit pick your husband apart. I was in the shower the other day upset with Ryan over something, I don't even remember what it was, and as I was standing there fuming over it and not talking to him about it, I started this chain of negative thoughts toward him, the thing I was frustrated about at the moment, reminded me of something else he had done that bugged me, which reminded me of something else, and so on and so on, I was getting SO worked up, then I caught myself..."I'm planning my husbands murder and he doesn't even know why he's been sentenced to death!" ..not healthy relationship habits.

So my focus for the next 40 days is to daily communicate how I am feeling(won't he enjoy this lol... He'll probably stop me before the end of the first week and say "Ya know what, just keep it pent up inside, and let all hell break loose once in a while, I think that's easier") both the frustrations, and the things he does that I appreciate...because he is getting much better and does a wonderful job with laundry, taking out the trash, and changing dirty diapers-none of which are glamorous jobs. He is not perfect and neither am I but I love my husband even with his memory lapsing schizophrenia relationship with his socks.