It's all pretty amazing ...

My husband is a great guy. You would be hard pressed to find anyone besides me to say anything negative about him. And that sentence alone gave me some perspective on how I see him and treat him. Especially the past few months as I've been processing a lot of what 7 to 5 years ago and how it has affected me since.

Ryan stepped into my life in a pretty active way, when I was just reeling. I'm not even sure if I understand why I was at the point that I was when we started to get serious. But in some ways, I don't know if it's my personality or me just being a woman, but I just fall in love hard, I hurt deeply and just feel things intensely - well I did. I remember sitting in my bed on the phone with my ex and him starting to tell me - all the times he cheated on me - like over a dozen. It was unbelievable. And I don't think at 18 I was ready to process how deceived I had been, everyone else knew and everyone else was telling me to get out for a really long time, but I was stubborn and independent and had invested so much of me growing up,and becoming a person and discovering who I was with this guy - but I just remember vividly- him telling me and it NOT hurting ...all I felt was like a cement truck just backed down my throat and my whole chest and ribcage just turned to stone - I felt it, I felt it get hard and not hurt. I guess I felt ME get hard and not hurt. I kind of stopped thinking as this messy break up drew out .

I had isolated myself in this relationship from my family, my church and my friends - I know they would have all been there for me had I opened up, but instead I made new friends as I slipped into a depression that I would battle for the next 6 years. I wouldn't really say I was suicidal or self destructive, but I did start smoking pot, cigarettes , drinking every weekend and sleeping with waaaaay too many guys. And even though for some people that sounds like a great time -and I was having fun - I was crossing my own boundaries. Big time. And I've been cleaning up the mess ever since.

The mess of me is what really made me think - that I am to the point that I can see the mess I was and how far I've come that really made me search for the catalyst. As I was driving home from a long day of shooting I was thinking about something my husband and I had been discussing a few weeks back. I was really angry at this guy for lying to me when we had been sleeping together. Out of all the guys I had hooked up with, this guy hurt me. He had a serious girlfriend the whole time we had been hooking up and I only found out at the end - I was furious -and I had no idea who she was to tell her.So that really pissed me off, the second thing was I had told him- "listen,I don't want a serious relationship - let's just be casual friends and sleep together - blah blah blah." And he lied to me about that too, I told him lets just be friends and he was like no I really like you and want this to be more. I asked my husband "why? why would he lie to me about that?!?! when the thing he really wanted was what I was telling him I also wanted?!?" My hubby was like well he was just telling you what he thought you would really want to hear," But I had had this conversation we a previous guy, and he was like, yup! that's perfect to me" I responded. My husband reply's: " Sarah-Jane he was devastated when you stopped hanging out with him - he lied to you too, he wanted more, he was just telling you what he thought you wanted to hear too." I'm a little simple- so I was dumbfounded. And pissed AT ALL MANKIND. lol. I was thinking to myself - unbelievable ALL MEN - they lie, ALL OF THEM!!

Then I remember my husband, who has the potential to make the biggest idiot out of out of them all, since I can say I trust him wholeheartedly. He came into my life, and hasn't left and has always refused to just tell me what I wanted to hear.

It's pretty incredible - to be back in a place, that I could be completely blindsided and devastated. I'm also scared to type that I trust my husband and that he doesn't lie to me, in case I was to be made to feel like a fool again. And that's the feeling - you feel like a fool, just so stupid and such an idiot. But that is what love does. You cannot be hurt when you harden yourself - but you cannot love either. So something has got to give.

Although it feels more days than not, that I am banging my head against a wall and I was so stupid and crazy to get married so young. I am SO glad I did. My husband has brought me to a place I could never have gotten to being single,specifically this fast, as he continues to counter constantly all the lies I believe about myself and men. Although this marriage can be painful, messy and overwhelming - I'm glad I am in the middle of it with him. Marriage is one of those things you pay for to get one thing, like happiness, and end up getting a whole lot more then you bargained for, like perseverance, gentleness, vulnerbility, and strength.

Mentors for My Generation and Beyond

I am kind of a little weird sometimes. When I get some time to myself, sometimes all I want to do is listen to or watch teachings, usually from christian circles I follow, I'm just an information junkie, and  I love to just absorb wisdom and knowledge...not that anybody would be able to tell by the way I act...but I am sure it's all in their somewhere...repressed ...somewhere.

However, a trend I've just started to notice in some of my favorite Christian speakers is they all talk about when they first became Christians how they sought out "spiritual parents" or people that had lot's of experience in the Christian lifestyle; obviously this doesn't seem abnormal, but it just got my mind thinking, I started thinking about all these great artists, designers, dancers, business me, all the greats I've researched, all worked underneath someone and assisted, all had mentors to speak into them, their craft and their life.

Although in this season of my life I do not have anyone I would consider an active mentor, I have had them in the past, both spiritual mentors to inspire me, speak into my life, challenge me and coach me, as well as professional mentors, seasoned makeup artists or accomplished individuals in the local fashion industry. Myself being a young woman, they have always been women themselves, and all have had an irreversible impact on my life. From hard truths for character growths to cheer leading in tear filled nights not to give up;
these women have shaped my life and who I am.

I am blessed as well to have my own biological parents active in my life as people I can bounce things off of and turn to, but I think it's important to have someone outside of your family too. I once heard somebody say that in your life you should always have three types of relationships; Fathers/Mothers - People you turn to, who invest and give to you, but you give little back, somebody to talk to when you have questions who always has answers or can help you find answers ,Brothers/Sisters:  Relationships where there is a give and take, equal playing field for experience and wisdom and then finally; Sons/Daughters: Somebody who you give to and expect nothing in return, that you are the father/mother figure in the relationship.

I feel like our society stresses the brother/sister relationship, but not the father/mother or the son/daughter. I don't know if there are concrete goals and priorities outside of the educational institute to invest in the next generations as a work force, as parents, as the next leaders and as humans. I feel, and maybe it's just being in Moncton and this isn't a western epidemic, that it is difficult for me to find somebody to learn from, somebody to take the time to invest in me. Now obviously being an apprentice/disciple or under someone,  you admire and respect the person being the mentor, so you don't want it to be just anyone, but somebody you see has strengths in your areas of weakness. Anyways, I hope it's partly a mindset and not me just being too big of a pain in the ass to invest in.HAHA! However, there was a prophet (for my secular friends a prophet is someone is spiritual sensitive and hears from God, in the secular world they spiritual sensitive people are often called pyschics or mediums who hear and interact with spirits in general. Although their gifting is the same, a  true christian prophet will only listen to what God says and never other spirits) from England, sharing at my church a few years back and he was sharing how God's heart is broken for the fathers and mothers, both literally and figuratively, to turn back to stewarding the next generation.

Like I said, I am an information junkie, and consistently the things I read about the greats right now, is somebody let them work underneath them as the honed their craft and they now encourage people wanting to break into their line of work, to find the same. So, originally, I wrote this as a challenge to the older generation, however, I feel now it is applicable to my generation and the former.


To My Generation:

#1. Don't be Arrogant - we don't know everything, nobody does, but surprisingly , there are people out there who do know more then us about somethings. Perhaps, it is not technology or the latest whatever, but when it comes to relationships, character, life, marriage, children, religion, spirituality, maybe they don't have all the answers, but what they do have is experience, we aren't the first ones going through what we are going through, and we don't need to do so alone.

#2. Invest in the Next Generation - Regardless of what we received, we can't let the cycle continue, we can't let the generational gap continue to grow. If you don't have wisdom to share, you have had your first job interview, you have had your own humiliations and successes, you have fallen in love and you have had your heart broken. You've had to persevere through something, and you've had to weigh countless times your morals making difficult decisions. I know at times when I've felt like my back was against the wall, or I was overwhelmed,  just hearing that someone else had been there too- gave me hope. We can slow down, pause our own agendas of becoming legends or empires and just give some of ourselves to someone who needs it, and may never be able to return the favor.


To The Mother/Father Generation:

#1. I hope you don't see this as a judgement, as I recognize you're working with what you have been given, but for the continued progression of humanity, we need your experience and insight. Our society continues to become more and more narcissistic and more and more obsessed with self preservation. If our generations continues to navel gaze the break down of relationships, marriages, families, and societies is inevitable. It is not always necessary for us to make our own mistakes if we can learn from yours, and we are able to grow in our weaknesses as we lean on your strength.

My heart for my son and his generation is that my ceiling will be his floor and part of my personal growth is to become a person who can actively make that happen.

Clarity

I find there are few things in life that will give you as much clarity, inspiration & peace as your children.

With my pregnancy for my son Nehemiah, amidst all the morning sickness, aches in the body, bi-polar mood swings, and sleepless nights, there was a slow understanding of myself  and a contentment with life that began to unfold. And the layers are still unfolding...

Many of my friends and family know, the difficulty I had adjusting to my pregnancy and being a new mom. It has certainly been anything but an easy 29 months,  but it's funny, I hear people say they wouldn't change anything about their life, that they have no regrets, I've never agreed with that statement it seems ridiculous to me, but when it comes to my son, there is absolutely not a single thing I would change, because he has forced the plot in my life to move forward, and demanded my character development to keep up. I remember holding him, the first few days of his life and thinking to myself, "anything could happen right now, and nothing would ever take away this joy, and nothing could ever touch my love for you." For the first time, my heart felt invincible, it could not be broken or bittered, but could only love. Looking back now, I know that moment broke something for me, and launched me into a new evolutionary stage of becoming the woman I am suppose to be.

I am so painfully aware that someday my son will be capable of breaking my heart, and that he may do it. Just as I know I have broken my mom and dad's at times. Your children teach you so many lessons, by just being there with you, one of the small things my son has inadvertently taught me is the difference between an apology and true repentance. With the depth of the love for my son running so deep into my core, only surpassed by the depth of love i have for my husband, I remember the fights with my parents growing up, especially in my teenager years, particularly, one night, I don't remember what we were fighting about, but I remember screaming at my dad "I fucking hate you!!".. and I remember his eyes. I have already apologized for saying those hurtful words, I knew it was wrong, and I knew it hurt him. But now, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, like my spirit has been ripped open, my heart pummeled and my breath taken. Understanding now, the pain my father may have felt, and not just wanting to apologize to admit I was wrong and make amends, but to heal the pain I have caused and making him feel even more loved then ever before. How would I feel if the light of my life, my beautiful boy,  said those things to me? When you are a parent, you don't have the choice to protect yourself and build walls, you are raw and vulnerable. When you understand the pain that you've caused somebody else, you can start to clean up the mess and repair the relationship.

My goal, my mission, and my priority with my kids is to have an unbreakable connection with them. That they know, they always have access to my heart, and hopefully I will be able to gain their trust, and in return, they give me access to theirs. My goal is for my kids to trust me and love me because they know I love them. Which brings me to an even deeper level of clarity for my life, and how it will be set up. Knowing that my goal in life, next to my marriage is to have a strong, healthy relationship with my kids. Building good relationships requires me to be whole, and for me to have the ingredients to build, humility, honesty, love, generosity, trust, and time. The more I zero in on showing the ones I love that I love them, the more the landscape of my life and future change, and the more I am at peace with who I am.

I just really have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this week, and I realized. I don't want to be what the modern woman looks like. I don't want to have it all. I don't furthermore because I can't.We cannot have it all without sacrificing something, or worse but most common someone. I feel like it's almost frowned upon now, to stay at home with your kids for 20 years, I almost feel afraid or ashamed to say my priority in life is to bless my husband and children, not to have it all. I don't feel oppressed investing in those I love and I don't feel ripped off for their love and success being my return.My husband and I are equal, but different, we bring different resources to the table, and we need to be true to ourselves for even have those resources cultivated to give. But getting to this point of understanding...was a journey,because I certainly didn't feel like this the first year of my son's life, even though there was many magical moments. Moreover, I recognize, that I certainly have not arrived, nor have I even defined the type of woman I am becoming, I am still on that journey.

But I encourage the young women in my generation to listen to your heart and do what you want to do with your life, not because you feel like it is what you are suppose to do, or what others are telling you women today should be doing, but because you want to. If you don't want to be a mom, now or even ever, that's your choice, so make it for you don't let anyone else make it. I 100% believe the world will be more balanced with women working alongside of men and vice versa. Just do it for the right reasons, like I said above, women have unique resources that only they can bring to the tables of their homes or the tables of their boardrooms. 

Fear, Rejection & Failure

I haven't blogged in months. After I lost my neice, I kind of lost my "UMPH" to share, I've been internalizing for months and I think I am coming around to being  a little more open and vunerable again. Maybe...we'll see.

It's incredible what you discover when you start to be honest with yourself about what's holding you back. The next step in my "marketing" for my business is to start cold calling some potential clients and taking them out to lunch , introducing myself and my work and getting to know them and theirs. But I don't want to pick up the phone ....why? I ask myself ...because I'm scared. Of what? I ponder...being rejected. I sit back and let this register a bit with myself. I feel like I am back in middle school, or high school, when you become aware , well at least for me, that some people may not like you, or want to be your friend. It's amazing after all these years, everything I have done and the friends I have made and the people in my life I have that I know love me and like me , this is still something that manipulates and controls my actions and interactions with others.

I don't know if there is anything more powerful then the driving force of fear, specifically with rejection. I was listening to a talk last week and one of the lines the speaker said resonated with me "People who say they don't care about what others think about them are usually lying. Often they care so much that they instead build walls so high and so strong to protect themselves, and isolate themselves from others to prevent others from telling them what they think about them." Obviously this can speak to someone different ways. I don't think that one should dictate their lives based on whether or not someone likes them, or thinks poorly of highly of them. You can know the truth about what someone thinks about you, but not come into agreement with it but to hold onto and operate out of the truth of who you really are. But I think one of the main reasons why we don't want to know if someone likes us or not , and what they do like or what they don't like is because we don't personally have a strong grasps ourselves on who we really are.

As a child, I heard of the story of the little wooden people, the Wemmicks, from You are Special by Max Lucado, the story did not impress me much, until I got older, and realized the hoops I was jumping through to avoid dots and gain stars and how I cared about them. The bottom line is this, I think it's important to receive what people think of us, regardless of who they are in our lives, but to invest and build relationships with the ones who invest and agree with the truth of who we really are. I think it's a journey most of us are on, to one degree or another, Who Am I? I know I can SAY (or type) who I say I believe I am, but I know I don't really believe it, because the dots are way to important to me, cripplingly so.
The past few years I feel as though I've been fumblingly along on this journey, people coming in and out for work or for personal reasons, but they are never really meeting the real me. They only get to see the coping mechanisms and the reactions I have designed to protect the scared little girl. I feel as though , I am a bit unstable as a result. When your relationships and life choices are dictated by survival/ defense or by your feelings, rather then a core from which you operate, you never know what you are going to dish out at someone, and people never know what they are gonna get when they meet you. Which is exhausting when you are trying to work and wear multiple hats. The amount of energy I have to pour into being  a stable and reliable professional is immense. We all expect our personal lives to never interfere with our professional lives or our work -but when your inner person is full of torment and confusion it takes a lot to put on a facade of togetherness when interacting with clients or potential clients. As a result, I think, all my other roles suffer. Our adrenalin and will power are finite, if they are not nourished they cannot be sustained. So the longer our inner battles rage against us, the more we burn our resources to be whole and healthy.
It's scarey, so many things are scarey to me - to be perfectly honest. And to overcome those things is scarey , I know I am totally in denial about different things - I start to process stuff - and then my heart just stops mid thought and says "We can't go their - we can't handle it." It's all bubbling under the surface, I can feel the wheels spinning underwater , but I don't dare bring them up to see what's on them. Because of course next to the fear of rejection is failure. All these "What If's " ...what if , what if , what if... it's horrendous. I remember hearing this statement once "All the difficult things that have happened to me in life I never worried about -because I didn't see them coming." The what if's I constantly worry about never come into fruition! But I waste so much mental energy on them that drains me from productive or life giving thoughts it's pathetic.
 I suppose to end the cycle, I need more honesty with myself, haha, more fear. But it really seems like the only option. Where did the lies I believe about myself that people won't like me, or people won't accept me or people will reject me , come from , in the first place?  And what's the truth ? No, everyone will not like me, but why do I let that attach itself to my self worth and cripple me? Why isn't it ok if someone doesn't like me? That sounds logical and reasonable, to understand you can't make everyone happy, but why do we still try and do it. I clearly don't understand this in the depth I need to for it to be real in my life.
Well I clearly don't have any answers, only questions, but I do have hope to press on for more clarity.

Can you communicate what you need?

So many things, where to begin. I guess first off I wanted to say a thank you to everyone who writes, emails, messages or calls me and tells me how much they enjoy my blog. I'm glad that what I am going though or whatever I share impacts people in a positive way. 

There is a couple of things pressing on my heart, one is communication, disagreements  and fights, and the other is giving up. So I guess we will see what topic takes over as we progress down my ramblings.

I suppose I will start with the communication one. I mean everyone says communication is important, but that's so vague and general, and it really doesn't give any illustration as to what communication looks like. I feel like today, in  Western society, people don't know how to adequately communicate.  We don't know how to really effectively say what we need and we can't handle other people telling us the truth or telling us what they need. It is a learned skill and I feel like perhaps, with the breakdown of family and marriages, healthy communication has and is breaking down too.

We teach our  children "normal", I know, it's huge, teaching a child what normal is! It's also one of the catalysts for conflicts in marriage and relationships, your parents taught you a normal, and your spouse's parents taught them a normal, then you get into a marriage and your doing "normal" life together, and you realize - wait a minute, our normals aren't the same. I know this was HUGE for Ryan and I, our families and the dynamics in them are almost polar opposites. Which means we both have different expectations of what a happy family is, how we do meals, how we spend our free time, how we spend our money, how we raise our children, holidays, everything. I think that in certain relationships, there may be couples who were both raised in similar family dynamics, but where would the fun be in that?

So the first hindrance in our communication is finding a common ground, and finding "our normal", as a family. This past weekend Ryan and I were fighting about money, we often do, and it's the same argument over and over again. How we handle the finances for my makeup business. So we were having a disagreement over how much I "take home" and how much I should reinvest back into my business, and our opinions were very different. Things were getting quite heated, and then I just realized, somebody isn't wrong here and somebody isn't right, what is really going on here is; different perspectives. We are experiencing my business, it's finances and our financial situation VERY differently. So until there is an understanding of what the reality and experience is of the other person, we will argue all day, every day, about the same  thing,every time - because we are not really communicating what we need, or what we need is not being heard. Does that makes sense? haha. My husband can give me lengthy, in depth explanations for why we need to do things his way, but unless I understand his experience of the situation and I feel he has understood my experience. I am never going to be completely satisfied doing things his way, cause my needs have not been met and all I see for him is an agenda, not a human.

And I think that as children, growing up in dysfunctional homes, not even necessarily where there has been divorce, but when parents had needs that weren't being met and couldn't communicate that healthily, we observe that, we internalize that, and when our needs aren't met as children, we communicate or don't communicate accordingly. As we progress in life, we  often use the experiences and encounters that we have to validate what we already believe, rather then the observe the objective reality. I love what I recently heard Kris Vallotton say: "We don't see the world the way it is, we see the world the way we are." Which brings about the need to have a common value or moral systems, a standard to which we can compare our "worldview" to, to see where we differ from reality.

If someone is "winning" in  the argument, you are both losing. We are human beings, not computers, you cannot just delete a feeling, or reboot a mistake, both individuals need to be validated in order for the confrontation to be successful and progressive. Not only do fights and mismanaged disagreements not help anything, they often create distance, coldness and confusion, which just encourages stipulations and "what ifs" and you end up getting worked up about something that is in your head, rather then working through the reality of the disagreement.

This isn't easy, when I share these principles my husband and I are walking out in our marriage, I don't mean to say we have it all together, every time we approach a disagreement we don't calmly sit down and try to identify "what do you need?" But that is what we are working towards. Every painful step. I know sometimes I just get so angry and frustrated, I feel overwhelmed, like I can't identify what I need,all I can see is what you are doing wrong and it's driving me crazy and I don't know how we are going to survive this. But somehow, by God's grace, we always do. But it's not easy, I told Ryan tonight, I miss when there was peace in our relationship, my brain is such mush, I can't remember a time of peace, but I know there was peace in our relationship at sometime and I can't wait until we get there again.

I'm going to end this on another note, don't know if it's lighter or not, life is so short. I remember as a little girl, having a fear I was going to die young, like in my 20's, somehow, I don't have that fear anymore, but I do have this almost a haunting right now, that life is suppose to be love and laughter filled and that it's short, and I am getting way too sidetracked by unimportant, inconsequential things. There is so much poison in my heart, which I see playing out in my relationships, mostly my closest ones, and it's just not worth it, to hold unto the anger, bitterness, hurt, pain, unforgiveness, resentment, all that icky stuff, We really just need to take a deep breath in and then just let it out, and let all that Crap go with it, give it to God. Every day should be treated precious and rare, and you should feel alive and aware. I see so many "sleepy" people , going about in there miserable lives, so sad, so so sad. Tell the person you love, you love them, tell your heart, the person that hurt you, you forgive them, and walk into some precious freedom and experience life your short life without the chains.

Important Key to a Healthy Marriage

I see so many young couples getting married ...and maybe they did things right and thought through more then I did, but, I'm a little nervous for them. Ryan and I have an amazing support system with our family, and just the people in our lives speaking into our relationship and our marriage, and when I see young couples getting engaged and married, I can't help but wonder, do they have people in their life to help carry the weight of the commitment they want to make?

I married an incredible man, I really feel like Ryan, as a man of God, and character, is really in his own league. I've seen very few men, his age, with the sincerity and humility that he possess and it has saved our relationship so may times.I never say my husband is perfect, but that he's perfect for me, he is all around a great husband, father and person, someone I look up to and someone that inspires me daily. All that taken into account, we don't live without out moments of pain and conflict -that we both contribute to. More and more lately it seems stress, responsibilities, and growing up  are taking their toll. We fight more, we fight easier, we fight harder, we fight longer, and the fights are deeper. Lately it feels like we are constantly grinding each other, we aren't resting in one another, we are stretching one another. We are constantly revealing the ugly things that have been lying dormant inside our heart and spirits, just waiting for the right trigger to come alive again. Sometimes I get so desperate to come up for air or to run far, far away . That is where these beautiful people in our lives, my parents, grandparents and a few close spiritual mom's and dad's provide a little rest and perspective. I don't know how many times I've gone over to my parent's studio, on the verge of tears or exploding , or literally exploding into tears or tearfully exploding , I pour my heart out to them about the disappointments, the hurt and the frustrations in my marriage, and then they tenderly speak  life  and truth into my bruised heart. Sometimes it's my  perspective, sometimes it's my response that's the problem, or sometimes I lose sight of the goal.  Let's find the gold in Ryan, regardless of the dirt, and bring that to the surface and let's try and find the gold in me, instead of the dirt, so I can go back into the battlefield, ready to fight for my marriage and not against it. 

This stressed to me the importance of family, friends and the community. If you are off, your thinking or your perspective, you are going to be running into a lot of walls, especially in relationships. There needs to be people in your life who you can trust to tell you the truth without any agendas of their own personal gain. This is beyond a key for  a healthy marriage, this is a key to being a healthy person, a person that is always growing and maturing. I think though, you can probably put on a front in a society that you a functional without any close friends to speak truth to you; but a marriage, maybe on the outside your marriage will look great, but on the inside, you're not alone with your dysfunctional secrets, your spouse is going through the same pain, confusion  and loneliness you are.

Being married reveals a lot to you about yourself, it you are willing to look. Ryan and I are trying to implement proper techniques for conflict resolution and the results are amazing. When we can actually communicate when we disagree or are hurt or angry; it builds our relationship  and intimacy, as opposed to arguments , which create walls and distance. It is also incredible revealing for pinpointing the motivators of our actions and our response, which is enabling for healing and supporting one another, which is making us stronger -slowly, and painfully. I know they say muscles get stronger or bigger by the muscles ripping and then healing , I feel kind of like that is what happens to newly married couples as they become more and more united. Your spirit, heart and soul is being ripped, but when you heal, you heal and  grow back together, you connection gets more stronger and more powerful. 

I think that as Ryan and I get stronger, we will be able more and more to carry the weight of our marriage, but in the meantime, thank you, specifically to my mom and dad , for "spotting" us while we build strength.

Gossip, Confrontaion and growth

I feel like everyday is stretching me in new ways. God is doing so many things in life and I feel like every area of my life and everything I value is being questioned and challenged, and it's exhausting.

People offend me, all the time. I don't think I can leave my house with out being offended by someone, and I don't consider myself to be a prude, those that know me know I'm not; however, I have a ridiculous high standard I expect from people, including myself, and I have such a hard time with people that like don't fix the problem.

One of my biggest offenses: I hear people with the same issues complaining and whining about them for years, YEARS. Listen, I don't want to hear about the same problem over and over again, let's dig into this problem you have, find out what the real problem is and fix it!

I may get some backlash from people thinking I'm self righteous and think I'm better then everyone else, but I don't think that , I know I have weaknesses and problems just like everyone else if not more. I know what I know , and I know I am not perfect, so I don't care if you think you know what I think.

Which brings me to people with problems with me, bring it on baby, humble me. I am so sick of people talking about what issues I have , or what issues they have with me, and not just coming to me with it. If you don't like the way I handled something , or something I said or did, come tell me, don't be a coward and just talk to everyone else about it, cause you aren't helping anyone, including yourself. You are actually damaging any relationship we could have had and distancing yourself from any reconciliation.  The more you talk negatively about other people, the more that becomes truth to you, regardless of what merit it actually has, you literally project your ideas of that person on them, and if you continue to fuel your ideology about someone instead of confronting them, you can impose your ideology so much onto someone the real person disappears to you.

And I have had people tell me the problems they have with me, sometimes so inappropriately and out of line, saying I'm a bitch, I'll never have any friends, or go anywhere in life or ever get work, but you know what? I have the choice in this interaction , you are telling me how you have experienced me, and some of it is totally your perception and is not reality at all of who I am, but some of what you are saying is true, and other people probably feel the same way. I have the opportunity to work through this feedback, regardless of whether or not it was delivered properly, and to choose not to get emotional about it, but to look at it rationally and look for the truth, so I can make myself better. I usually do this in private, after I've had my head chewed off. But some of these teachers, bosses and friends that have been really honest with me about the ugly side of me, I really owe a big thank you, cause you have exposed to me areas I need to work on to make myself better.

Which brings me to deception , I heard Kris Vallotton teaching on it, it was great. So many people, ESPECIALLY in the church, only receive a word when they agree with it. But if you are deceived , you don't know, that's why it's called DECEPTION. If you can't receive any negative feedback without getting defensive? It reveals to me two  things. One, You have a blind spot -You are living in deception if people can't speak into your life any correction or constructive feedback. Two, you don't trust the other person to be telling you the truth about you. So you have some serious relationship problems you need to work out too.  I really think people need to stop thinking they are God and infallible and start saying "It's ok if you don't agree with me, I don't have to be always right, this isn't a competition, this isn't about being right, I'm not God." Stop thinking you are so fragile -your body was created with an immune system; so was your spirit, stop thinking your God and you can do no wrong.

 But back to gossip, I just don't understand it, honestly, if you have a problem with someone, regardless of their "position", talking to other people about it, instead of fixing your end and confronting the person, it's dumb and weak. You are just making things worse and trapping yourself. The truth will set you free, so no matter where you believe the lie, whether it's about a person, or life, or you tell a lie, you are going to have bondage in that area of your life.

If you continue to believe a lie about someone you are placing yourself in bondage to how you will interact and relate to that person. The only way you are going to know if you are coming into agreement with truth about someone and not a lie is by talking it out with them.

People need to start letting people reveal their broken spots. Walking around with our heads up our asses is doing nobody any favors. Relationships, marriages and families are deteriorating because of the lack of ability for people to communicate in healthy ways.

I'm just SO frustrated that people can't talk to the people they need to talk to and say what they really need to say.

If you are going to make anything in your life a priority or a goal -learn how to effectively communicate, it is a key to your well being and the well being of those around you.