Mentors for My Generation and Beyond

I am kind of a little weird sometimes. When I get some time to myself, sometimes all I want to do is listen to or watch teachings, usually from christian circles I follow, I'm just an information junkie, and  I love to just absorb wisdom and knowledge...not that anybody would be able to tell by the way I act...but I am sure it's all in their somewhere...repressed ...somewhere.

However, a trend I've just started to notice in some of my favorite Christian speakers is they all talk about when they first became Christians how they sought out "spiritual parents" or people that had lot's of experience in the Christian lifestyle; obviously this doesn't seem abnormal, but it just got my mind thinking, I started thinking about all these great artists, designers, dancers, business me, all the greats I've researched, all worked underneath someone and assisted, all had mentors to speak into them, their craft and their life.

Although in this season of my life I do not have anyone I would consider an active mentor, I have had them in the past, both spiritual mentors to inspire me, speak into my life, challenge me and coach me, as well as professional mentors, seasoned makeup artists or accomplished individuals in the local fashion industry. Myself being a young woman, they have always been women themselves, and all have had an irreversible impact on my life. From hard truths for character growths to cheer leading in tear filled nights not to give up;
these women have shaped my life and who I am.

I am blessed as well to have my own biological parents active in my life as people I can bounce things off of and turn to, but I think it's important to have someone outside of your family too. I once heard somebody say that in your life you should always have three types of relationships; Fathers/Mothers - People you turn to, who invest and give to you, but you give little back, somebody to talk to when you have questions who always has answers or can help you find answers ,Brothers/Sisters:  Relationships where there is a give and take, equal playing field for experience and wisdom and then finally; Sons/Daughters: Somebody who you give to and expect nothing in return, that you are the father/mother figure in the relationship.

I feel like our society stresses the brother/sister relationship, but not the father/mother or the son/daughter. I don't know if there are concrete goals and priorities outside of the educational institute to invest in the next generations as a work force, as parents, as the next leaders and as humans. I feel, and maybe it's just being in Moncton and this isn't a western epidemic, that it is difficult for me to find somebody to learn from, somebody to take the time to invest in me. Now obviously being an apprentice/disciple or under someone,  you admire and respect the person being the mentor, so you don't want it to be just anyone, but somebody you see has strengths in your areas of weakness. Anyways, I hope it's partly a mindset and not me just being too big of a pain in the ass to invest in.HAHA! However, there was a prophet (for my secular friends a prophet is someone is spiritual sensitive and hears from God, in the secular world they spiritual sensitive people are often called pyschics or mediums who hear and interact with spirits in general. Although their gifting is the same, a  true christian prophet will only listen to what God says and never other spirits) from England, sharing at my church a few years back and he was sharing how God's heart is broken for the fathers and mothers, both literally and figuratively, to turn back to stewarding the next generation.

Like I said, I am an information junkie, and consistently the things I read about the greats right now, is somebody let them work underneath them as the honed their craft and they now encourage people wanting to break into their line of work, to find the same. So, originally, I wrote this as a challenge to the older generation, however, I feel now it is applicable to my generation and the former.


To My Generation:

#1. Don't be Arrogant - we don't know everything, nobody does, but surprisingly , there are people out there who do know more then us about somethings. Perhaps, it is not technology or the latest whatever, but when it comes to relationships, character, life, marriage, children, religion, spirituality, maybe they don't have all the answers, but what they do have is experience, we aren't the first ones going through what we are going through, and we don't need to do so alone.

#2. Invest in the Next Generation - Regardless of what we received, we can't let the cycle continue, we can't let the generational gap continue to grow. If you don't have wisdom to share, you have had your first job interview, you have had your own humiliations and successes, you have fallen in love and you have had your heart broken. You've had to persevere through something, and you've had to weigh countless times your morals making difficult decisions. I know at times when I've felt like my back was against the wall, or I was overwhelmed,  just hearing that someone else had been there too- gave me hope. We can slow down, pause our own agendas of becoming legends or empires and just give some of ourselves to someone who needs it, and may never be able to return the favor.


To The Mother/Father Generation:

#1. I hope you don't see this as a judgement, as I recognize you're working with what you have been given, but for the continued progression of humanity, we need your experience and insight. Our society continues to become more and more narcissistic and more and more obsessed with self preservation. If our generations continues to navel gaze the break down of relationships, marriages, families, and societies is inevitable. It is not always necessary for us to make our own mistakes if we can learn from yours, and we are able to grow in our weaknesses as we lean on your strength.

My heart for my son and his generation is that my ceiling will be his floor and part of my personal growth is to become a person who can actively make that happen.

Gossip, Confrontaion and growth

I feel like everyday is stretching me in new ways. God is doing so many things in life and I feel like every area of my life and everything I value is being questioned and challenged, and it's exhausting.

People offend me, all the time. I don't think I can leave my house with out being offended by someone, and I don't consider myself to be a prude, those that know me know I'm not; however, I have a ridiculous high standard I expect from people, including myself, and I have such a hard time with people that like don't fix the problem.

One of my biggest offenses: I hear people with the same issues complaining and whining about them for years, YEARS. Listen, I don't want to hear about the same problem over and over again, let's dig into this problem you have, find out what the real problem is and fix it!

I may get some backlash from people thinking I'm self righteous and think I'm better then everyone else, but I don't think that , I know I have weaknesses and problems just like everyone else if not more. I know what I know , and I know I am not perfect, so I don't care if you think you know what I think.

Which brings me to people with problems with me, bring it on baby, humble me. I am so sick of people talking about what issues I have , or what issues they have with me, and not just coming to me with it. If you don't like the way I handled something , or something I said or did, come tell me, don't be a coward and just talk to everyone else about it, cause you aren't helping anyone, including yourself. You are actually damaging any relationship we could have had and distancing yourself from any reconciliation.  The more you talk negatively about other people, the more that becomes truth to you, regardless of what merit it actually has, you literally project your ideas of that person on them, and if you continue to fuel your ideology about someone instead of confronting them, you can impose your ideology so much onto someone the real person disappears to you.

And I have had people tell me the problems they have with me, sometimes so inappropriately and out of line, saying I'm a bitch, I'll never have any friends, or go anywhere in life or ever get work, but you know what? I have the choice in this interaction , you are telling me how you have experienced me, and some of it is totally your perception and is not reality at all of who I am, but some of what you are saying is true, and other people probably feel the same way. I have the opportunity to work through this feedback, regardless of whether or not it was delivered properly, and to choose not to get emotional about it, but to look at it rationally and look for the truth, so I can make myself better. I usually do this in private, after I've had my head chewed off. But some of these teachers, bosses and friends that have been really honest with me about the ugly side of me, I really owe a big thank you, cause you have exposed to me areas I need to work on to make myself better.

Which brings me to deception , I heard Kris Vallotton teaching on it, it was great. So many people, ESPECIALLY in the church, only receive a word when they agree with it. But if you are deceived , you don't know, that's why it's called DECEPTION. If you can't receive any negative feedback without getting defensive? It reveals to me two  things. One, You have a blind spot -You are living in deception if people can't speak into your life any correction or constructive feedback. Two, you don't trust the other person to be telling you the truth about you. So you have some serious relationship problems you need to work out too.  I really think people need to stop thinking they are God and infallible and start saying "It's ok if you don't agree with me, I don't have to be always right, this isn't a competition, this isn't about being right, I'm not God." Stop thinking you are so fragile -your body was created with an immune system; so was your spirit, stop thinking your God and you can do no wrong.

 But back to gossip, I just don't understand it, honestly, if you have a problem with someone, regardless of their "position", talking to other people about it, instead of fixing your end and confronting the person, it's dumb and weak. You are just making things worse and trapping yourself. The truth will set you free, so no matter where you believe the lie, whether it's about a person, or life, or you tell a lie, you are going to have bondage in that area of your life.

If you continue to believe a lie about someone you are placing yourself in bondage to how you will interact and relate to that person. The only way you are going to know if you are coming into agreement with truth about someone and not a lie is by talking it out with them.

People need to start letting people reveal their broken spots. Walking around with our heads up our asses is doing nobody any favors. Relationships, marriages and families are deteriorating because of the lack of ability for people to communicate in healthy ways.

I'm just SO frustrated that people can't talk to the people they need to talk to and say what they really need to say.

If you are going to make anything in your life a priority or a goal -learn how to effectively communicate, it is a key to your well being and the well being of those around you.

Why You Are Here

So Rye and I were watching this teaching on Love and relationships (it's what we do, we are big into relationship stuff) and the speaker addressing the issue of marriage in our society today , and why should my generation even bother with getting married and how do you know when you are ready to get married (FYI: We learned we weren't ready to be married, actually we've been learning that along the way -ahhhhhh!) But essentially it boils down to this, you were created and are most alive when you are overflowing with life, -in essence, you were created to give and receive love. Ya know, I remember hearing as a little girl that God created us to worship him -so so SO not true, it's blasphemy really and quite frankly I think it makes God sad. God does not, nor ever did, nor ever will, need to be worshiped, if He is God in the one true, perfect whole God he is, he does not NEED anything from us, nor does he have a desire for insincere compliments and ass kissing- I mean who does? No we were created to receive love from first, our heavenly father, and then second from each other.

God 101: Some of you may know God, and I am referring to the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, and some of you may not, and that is tots ok. So first let me clarify what we AREN'T going to do, quote a bunch of scriptures and super-impose my belief systems on them, and try and shove them down everyone's throat. Nor are we going to debate theology, religion, nauseating stuff, etc. Essential I want to look at this Dynamic God-Person, and how who He is affects who we are. Some of you may know what the Trinity is, some may not, but the Trinity is God. God (Abba, Father) Jesus Christ (Son) and Holy Spirit. Ok so even if you don't believe, just run with me here. God , by His/Her very nature, is 3 persons in relationship, in one. I've heard the illustration comparing Her to an egg, the is the shell of an egg, the yolk of an egg, and the white of an egg. All separate parts, all functioning dependently and independently and all egg. So God is awesome and good, and He is always good and he loves this relationship he has within himself, because God IS love, God IS relationship, if relationship was a tangible thing, it would be God. SO She is awesome, and good and Loves being a relationship, it is so rewarding, so amazing, so wow. He thinks to himself, I love to create, I have created so many beautiful things, and I love them, love them all, but the trees, and the bugs, and the fish, aren't experiencing the life I am experiencing. I want to create something to experience this love and relationship. So he created Man and Woman in HIS IMAGE -IN THE IMAGE OF RELATIONSHIP AND LOVE. So that we could be walking trough life being nourished and loved and invested in and blessed and just thriving. God said I created you like me to be in relationship and to love, to create, to steward, with power and intelligence. Be fruitful and multiply , Flourish.

So here we are, perfect, blameless, in relationship and in love, but God is also freedom, because you can't have a real relationship without freedom, you can't be really intimate without freedom. When your freedom is taken away, in any form -it's abuse. God is not going to force anyone to love him or to be who he created them to be - to live at their FULLEST potential. He won't he will not violate or manipulate you to get what he wants or he thinks is right. That's why there were two trees in the garden, and that is why we always have a choice we can make daily. If I am not free to be me around you - it's not love, if I can't say no to you -there is no intimacy. It's rape. So even though you were created to be loved, to be blessed, to be nourished, you need to say yes first, cause he is not going to violate you.

Ya know what, I just want to smash down some religious strongholds that are holding people back and keeping there spirits asleep or there souls numb to recognizing the true life and the real potential they have to be living. First off , You were not created as a sinner, you were created as a saint, God did not say, hey- im gonna throw down this broken person, hopefully somebody tells him there is help. No God created you, and those passions and gifts in you , to change the world. Did you know that you are created in the image of God, and only you can reveal a certain part of her to the world? God has given you unique gifts, talents, ambitions, and he loves that stuff about you, and loves you, thinks your totally awesome and doesn't want to change anything about the real you -not the fake/false you you've had to create to survive in this messed up place, but God does not want to crush you into a robot, he created you to explore you and be the best you , you can be, and not that you have to strive or push yourself to be perfect, but because there is only one you, and you do you best, and he wants you operating at your fullest potential. And that's where sin starts interrupting shit, sin is not something God holds over people in judgement, and it shouldn't be something we hold over each other, sin is simply this: if you do this, you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. THAT'S IT. God WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU, and when you do "Blank" it makes it hard for you or someone else to operate at there fullest potential. Enter Jesus , he sees all those blanks, he knows that you haven't gotten the right information, he knows you've been hurt, abused and violated, he knows that you are going to hurt yourself and other people, and he says ya know what - I don't want your mistakes to stop you, from the awesomeness I have for you. So let me help you with that. I know what that's like - I've been here, I came here for that reason, to understand why you react the way you do so I can relate to you and help you.


Ya know, we all have choices we make everyday, you may be thinking about all the awful stuff that has gone down in history and is even going on today and think , if God really was love he wouldn't let that stuff happen - but ya know what, that is all choices, choices made by other people , not by God, because he gave you a will, she wants you to make the choice to get to know her and stop hurting yourself and others. But it's a choice and he will not ever take choices away. So that puts the responsibility on your end, he is open to a relationship, what are you going to do? Will you start making choices that are going to stop hurting yourself and others? It's that simple. A lot of pain can be stopped if we start looking at life like that. And you know what, you've been abused, you've made some big mistakes and messed up bad, you're value system is all wrong you don't know when you are hurting yourself , or others? That's when we bring in the Bible and prayer and soaking and getting to know God, you don't have to be a genius, you don't have to have it all figured out, or be perfect, He knows, and he wants to help.

I was totally going to do a marriage rant ...but this is totally random...I'm guessing someone needs to read this Cause I totally did not have the intent on going all Jesus on yo' asses lol. Please don't hesitate to msg me if you have any questions!I'm not perfect, I've got a will, and I've used it make a lot of poor decisions, but I am turning that around! Peace on every heart and "wake up!" to every spirit that reads this!

i dont understand

The frilly purple dresses hurt so much. I felt sick inside, but suppressed it and looked around Costco for something else to distract. I laid in bed earlier tonight,and tears streamed down my cheeks, and I can feel the aching pain all through my ribcage, intensifying with every breath. The only thing that comes to my mind is "why?" and "i miss you." I check to make sure Nehemiah is still breathing, I do that regularly now, and he sleeps in the bed with Ryan and I now every night since Sarah-Esther's Death.

i dont know what else to say, except for I'm sad, not all the time, but sometimes it really hurts.

My brothers face, so distorted from the pain, still haunts me. The whole scene of me walking into the room and seeing them sobbing on the couch in their pjs, telling me what happened, is burned into my heart and memory.

my brother named my little niece after me, i was so honored, i felt so special and so loved , i wanted to make her feel the same, but she was ripped out of my life before i had the chance, i thought her and i were going to be best friends, i thought we were going to have a special connection, me and her would hang out while the boys would play, i would be her "uncle Andrew" .

I avoid certain streets now when I'm driving now, I don't know why but I never go down west main anymore to get to my parents, always St.George st now. I still have a hard time praying, but God told me it was ok, after she died, I don't remember exactly when, could have been the day after, or a couple of days after, I tried to pray, to "turn to God" in all of this. I lied in bed and started to pray, and then stopped myself, I didn't want to pray, I wanted to hurt, I still working it out and I didn't want God to come sweeping in like a fairy God-Mother and make everything magical and ok, cause it wasn't. I lied there and I heard God say, "It's ok, I don't want to pray either, I'm heartbroken too..." So I just let myself mourn and cry before God, knowing he wasn't going to give me some bullshit bible verse and try and "fix me", He cried too.

I guess I have a hard time trusting God, cause I still am having a hard time praying, every night when I lie down with Nehemiah, I go to say his prayers, and I hesitate, scared God is going to force himself on me, but he doesn't. Sometimes, I am too scared to even try and pray, so I just start to sing a song, but I don't remember a lot of lyrics to songs anymore, so I end up making up my own, by the end I am confessing my deepest fears and my heart's groaning, I end weeping with my baby asleep in my arms and falling asleep next to him in peace finally being able to sing what I was so scared to say.

I bawled typing most of this entry, typed it with one hand, with the other hand over my mouth to muffle any sounds so I don't wake up my boys.

I guess we aren't invincible. I always thought I was, I guess I appreciate life a little more, so cliche I know, but feeling pain so deep , and seeing those you love the most so broken and devastated, shaking and sobbing, it was horrifying. Life is too short, and there is too much pain to not live a life of freedom.

I just want my husband to hold me, my spirit is at peace when I am with him, in his arms, Sarah's death brought us closer,brought our whole family closer, it's still not worth it though, I wish she was here, we would have gotten closer on our own anyways...just would have taken us longer to forgive and let go when there are no pressing matters urging us to do so.

I'll kiss my baby boy goodnight again as I crawl into bed next to him and wonder why God let my baby brother go through all that pain instead of me.

loving you is more important to me then killing you

I don't really even know where to begin. A lot has happened since my last post, a lot of overwhelming stuff, that I didn't even know how to share if I wanted to. Everyday is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, I tend to write I guess in the downs, but lately I have been WAY to down to write anything. The past two days, however, I have been surprisingly happy, and that makes me more happy, but It's a fight to hold unto that happiness. I think I am at one of the hardest points in my life so far, really having a hard look at my life right now as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a sister/daughter and as a Makeup Artist.

I'm so far from perfect. Everyone knows that, I demonstrate it on a regular bases, but I am not really honest about it with myself, I think very few people are. For about two months now, my husband's and my relationship has been really strained...as a result , I've gotten mad a lot of people, it has to be somebody's fault we are so dysfunctional.  I  start down the blame game and try to blame  the in-law's,  I think to myself "look at this man she gave me, he can't do anything for himself cause she did everything for him, if it hadn't been for her constantly accommodating her boys, my marriage would be so much better...and ugh...he's just like his father and he had no idea how to connect heart-to-heart and now I am stuck without being able to connect to my husband cause he was never taught relationship skills on an intimate level..."  And then I catch myself ...going through a list of all the people that have shaped Ryan and I to become who we are today, but ya know what? The only people that can save my relationship with husband, is him and I.It would be soooo much easier to look for people to blame, but I think I need to have a little more courage and be a little more honest with myself, I am responsible for my actions, regardless of what people or life throw my way. That is empowering in a way, but scarey at the same time, but if I have a problem, I can take responsibility for it, and fix it. The only thing I can do about the problems I see in our marriage is change my contribution. I can't control Ryan, I can try, but it will backfire. I can nag at him all I want, but is that all I want? An accommodating husband? Is that what this great romance, passion and love has been reduced to? Mutual accommodation? I think a lot of marriages have been, it's sad, I see these couples regularly who are interacting, but not really interacting, so lonely, dreams crushed. Who falls in love or gets married with the hopes of finding someone that will accommodate them for the rest of their life?


It's a fight sometimes, not just to slip into the motions, just lie down and say, "You Win! I give up" . Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier, to just have a roommate rather then a husband, actually, I know it would be so much easier. Much easier to just live our separate lives, have our separate visions, our separate dreams, our separate schedule, just be friends, without having to sacrifice for the other person. Sacrifice...not a word you hear often now unless it's about getting ahead in your career, but what about getting a head in your relationships? The thing about sacrifice is ...it's so bloody expensive. So I am faced with the question, how much is it going to cost? How much does having a living, breathing, loving, healthy relationship with my husband going to cost me? And better yet, do I want to pay it? ...should have thought about that before I signed the life contract. I think I know the answer, I know that deep down inside of me, I am willing to take who I am and invest that daily into our relationship so that our dreams, visions and life do become one beautiful love-filled life. But it's to take the first step, to put the gun down and not say "You win! I give up!" but to put the gun down and say "loving you is more important to me then killing you" HAHA! It's funny, but so true... if anyone, anyone could say something nasty about you, from who would if hurt the most? The people that you love!! When you have constant martial spats, and are tearing each other down, you are literally killing each other.


A friend and I were sharing last night and she was talking about a conference where she was at and the speaker said "When I fight with my wife, and tear her down,disrespect her, I am actually fighting with myself at the deepest of levels, because we are one." That just spoke such truth to me, holding unto every grudge, constantly judging my husband and watching him for every screw up, I am making my own life a living hell. I married this man, and said I would devote my life to him, why then, when a huge part of my happiness and well-being is dependent on him, would I constantly be sabotaging it by being a psycho bitch to him? I need to forgive him for his mistakes and release him for my nagging death grip and focus on what I CAN control...myself.

Brainwashed on how to love.

Since I have gotten married I have chosen to really immerse myself in Christian literature and teachings on relationships, marriage, men and sex. I've chosen to focus on continually filling my mind with positive material on marriage and all the dynamics involved. Why? Because we are constantly and continually bombarded by negative information on marriage by the media, by society, by friends and family who have broken families or dysfunctional relationships. I mean the bar and the standard for relationships or marriage is set SO low in North America. We are brainwashed into thinking that when you get married it is to the person you fall madly in love with and will make you happy for the rest of your life. And if they stop making you happy or you stop feeling like you are madly in love with them, you walk away and try someone else. Both of these ideas are destroying lives all over and it is heartbreaking.

Chic flicks, comedies and TV dramas are setting couples up to have negative expectations from their mates. Hollywood often presents husbands as lazy, careless, heartless sex maniacs, that are constantly lusting over anything that has two legs and an ass,that they never listen or pay attention, sports, friends and beer trump family and wife, and they could be just as well off without their wives. In their roles as fathers, they are losers, distant from their children, control freaks, out of touch with what is going on, they don't show affection or love and they don't have respect or admiration from their children.
Woman as wives are nagging, not interested in sex, controlling, needy, desperate, they always seem to be shopping, second fiddle to what the husband is doing, resentful, bitter... I mean the list goes on, name a character flaw or a relationship issue and I'm sure you've seen glamorized on the sliver screen by a good looking couple with lot's of money. AND the affairs, and the cheating and the unfaithfulness, I mean, I don't know the last movie I saw that wasn't PG that someone wasn't sneaking around with someone else. I know that some of these issues are real, and they are damaging real couples but why do we meditate on it? Why do we pollute our brains with dysfunctional peoples relationships.
What does watching men cheat on their wives and watching woman try and mother their husbands do to your perspective of marriage,or your perspective of men and women?

The family unit today is so broken. A lot of us don't know how to love. A lot of us don't know how to be in a relationship. A lot of us don't know how to make a marriage work. A lot of us don't know how to raise a child in the way he should go. A lot of us have never seen it demonstrated properly, I would venture as far to say none of us has seen any of these things done right. Nobody we know is perfect, so how can they demonstrate to us what the perfect marriage is, or the best way to parent. So why do we look to broken, hurt imperfect people to dictate how to love. You may think to yourself, I don't do that, I just enjoy reading the tabloids or watching tv for fun. I want you to get a piece of paper and a pen, be really honest with yourself, and write at the top 'Men are..." or "women are..." Or "Marriage is...". Fill in the blanks, let it come for your heart, and you may recognize some ideas that aren't yours. You may also see some ideas that are very much yours, they are your hurts and are painful realities of your marriage and your life. However, they doesn't have to be.

I choose to reeducate myself on the ways of love and setting a higher standard. That I don't get married because I have fallen madly in love and have found someone that will always make me happy, no, I get married because I choose to love and I have found someone I always want to make happy. I want the people in my life that I love to know, I would take a bullet for you, and I know you would take a bullet for me. I will die to protect this relationship, I will die to my pride when I am wrong, I will die to my fear when you've wronged me. I will choose to continue to love you, regardless of who screws up. I will choose to forgive and not punish. I will choose to request and not demand. I choose freedom not control. I choose to confront and not resent. I choose to live my life to be a blessing to you. When you succeed, I succeed. I choose trust and not suspicion. I choose to encourage and not nag. I choose to love and not to hide.

Can you imagine the world if we chose to love our spouse this way and our children. What type of people would we become? I challenge you to review what is influencing your love. I am a strong believer in controlling your medias and also that people are a product of their environment, but not at the mercy of it. What is the atmosphere you are creating in your home. What lenses are you viewing your spouse through? What areas in your life do you need to forgive and ask God for forgiveness?

Baby steps are ok. I feel like I take one step forward, two steps back. Some ideas are rooted deep, and they are painful, but look for truth to give you perspective not to other people who have the same hurts. I ask God for grace for you and for me, as we learn how to love on a higher standard. The way He loves us.