Fighting for Family

How we have been doing family for the past 200 years does not work.

Men leaving the home to work and women being stuck in the home was never a good solution for raising the next generation to be able to function better than one generation currently does. Either, spiritually, physically, emotionally or financially, we see lack and we've been in reaction mode for generations.

The feminist movement should have been a partnership movement. Women and men both should be respected and honoured for their gifts, talents, abilities and skills. Instead we saw a whole generation of women having to act and work like men to have equal rights and become part of a system that was already failing instead of fixing it.

Our society has set us up to have to choose between presence in the home and presence in the workforce and not operating in both. Finally, in the past few years, I'm starting to see a bit of both; women and men able to work with the family and for their family and not in spite of them.

I feel as though the rise of technology has ushered us into a new renaissance era of being able to focus on creating art and not just work for the sense of work, but working to make this world a better place, a more beautiful place. I would say this is still the exception and not the norm.

What I still see is men receiving polarized labels, he can either be a) the rescuer or b) the oppressor, when what God designed them to be was c) our partners. 

We need to stop pitting the genders against each other and start appreciating the differences, and holding the weakness accountable. Men & women are not the same. I think that because the word "equality" gets thrown around so much, our brains deduce it down to "we are equal means we are the same" there is really only true equality when we place the same amount of value on the differences and not conformity. As much as the media seems to propagate we are the same, science & history tells us a different story - and it's a good thing that we are so different.

I want to be clear when I say family - I don't necessarily mean having babies together, although I think that children are still one of the most incredible things to happen to anyone, but when I say family I mean unity. 

I think women have so much to bring to the table, and they should and they should be unhindered, but not in a way that pushes men out. We need to take responsibility for our own actions, our own emotions, our own needs - have those met in God first, than we will be able to work along side imperfect men. 

We as women have an incredible opportunity as we make advances in the workplace and our world, but let's not make them at the cost of the most precious human experience - relationships. 

The men in my life are far from perfect, they have misunderstood me at times, belittled me at others, rolled their eyes or even just ignored my ever-wise intuition. But I will not let their character defects define my gifts, my femininity or my identity. They do not control myself worth or define my gifts or their value - God does. I will not engage in toxic or abusive relationships but I will have grace for immaturity & growth & I will take ownership for my shortcomings & misunderstandings of men. 

I will not be ashamed to be a woman, and I will not be ashamed to love my husband and the other men in my life.

I am the queen of my own life and I will not let terrible men who have done terrible things stop me from connecting to & honouring the good men in my life.

My Prayer (feel free to join in):
God I ask that you would put Godly, safe men in my life. God please help me not to define manhood by personality but by character. 
Soften my heart & help me to be a blessing to the men in my life. Teach me how to forgive the men in my life who have hurt me.
 I ask God that you would help me not to put men on pedestals that I would think that my husband (or any man) owes me something, or that he completes me.  
I ask God that you would give me eyes to see so that I would not be deceived by any men who do not want the best for me. I ask God that you would give me wisdom with setting boundaries with men. Teach me how to trust again and show me who is safe to trust. I know God that you designed women to partner and work along side men, so I ask that you would bless my relationships. 
In Jesus name, Amen!

Why I apologize to my kids

         

Sometimes ... I have mental breakdowns. And those friends and family that are closest to us know the hell our little family has been going through the past 6 months, things are just starting to look brighter, stabilize and hopeful - but sometimes , I still snap. My husband and I are utterly exhausted due to his new work schedule of night shifts and our youngest son having some serious sleep regression and separation anxiety - we started this new difficult season after coming out of a gruelling experience that was probably the most compounded stressful time period of our marriage ( if not my life.) 

As I started, sometimes I snap, and for a few reasons , this morning was one of them. My husband was grumpy, my toddler was being an A-hole (straight up)  and my 18 month year old was being so possessive and clingy . My husband made a dig at me ( in response I think to a dug at him - let's be real) it was probably like a level 3 offence and I had like a level 17 reaction. I screamed, I cried, I threw a damn carton of eggs ... Who in their right mind does that? And then stormed off to go cry some more - all in front of my two little boys and my husband who was holding on to his compsure by the skin of his teeth. 

After I calmed down, I was SO humiliated. So embarrassed. I didn't even want to see my husband let alone acknowledge my toddler-level tantrum. Of course, once Ryan had calmed down, he came and found me and talked me off the ledge (he's giving me extra grace due to extra hormones!)I of course knew I had to, and did, apologize to him for my outburst and then went and sat down with the kids to restore our standard of relationship.

I know my boys are young, and may not understand everything I say to them - but I'll tell you one thing, I'm often shocked at what they do understand, so I always try to cover my bases. Something with Nehemiah (3 1/2 years) we've really been working on is yelling when he's angry (where oh where could he have gotten that from?) I try really, really hard not to yell at my kids. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room when Nehemiah is just pushing the boundries as far as he can get away with. But something I've been trying in my life, to teach him, is not to yell or respond emotionally. When Nehemiah yells at me, although it easily gets my blood pressure pumping, I try as calmly as possible to say: " Nehemiah, mommy doesn't yell at you, please don't yell at mommy." But the thing is - then you need not to actually yell. It's. Hard, but it is working. 

So this morning I apologized to my boys for 

1. Yelling 

2. Not having self control over my anger 

3. Talking rudely to their father 

4. Throwing things ( I cringe even writing it #facepalm) 

Of course Nehemiah was like, ."..okkkk... I forgive you ... Can I watch my show again ?" But I really feel it is a small way I can show respect for them and hopefully earn their trust that when mommy screws up, she will own it and fix it. Resulting in teaching them to do the same; practice self control by trying not to yell, be mean or get physical when we are angry , when we do mess up - own it and apologize to those we hurt, know that we are loved and will be forgiven and given another chance to grow. The only way I can expect my children to grow in that maturity, is to model it first myself - even when I fail. 

Where's my Knight in Shining Armour?

Lately,  I feel, God has really been challenging me on where/how I get my needs met. After sharing with a friend a few weeks ago, I don't think I'm alone.

You see, I've had this expectation of my husband and have been bitterly disappointed when he has not met it. I have really been trying to identify what it is I'm looking for out of my husband and I think I've got it narrowed down to a pretty good list:

• Has grace and understanding when I screw up
• Is always taking my feelings into account with every action he takes
• Can listen to my attacking, nagging and anger with love and not be defensive
• Never gets angry or is harsh with me 
• Is essentially my emotional punching bag, taking any and all of my immaturity with stride
• unconditional love and responses when I'm hurting and therefore hurting others (mostly like him)

Writing them down  makes it even more real, in two ways.
The first; acknowledging how absolutely selfish and ridiculous these expectations are for me to have of a man.
The second; how real and how desperately I really need unconditional love, acceptance and a safe place to screw up.

The more I thought about my dream husband, the more I realized I was longing for pretty much the exact description of the Christ figure. A man who  literally set aside everything and everyone that was important to him to show his love, to the point of his own death. Many people debate about the sin/ Saviour dynamic, but the bottom line is the scripture that everyone knows: John 3:16 "For God so LOVED the world, that he sent his only son.." His motivation was love, his agenda was love and a reconnection to his people.

Over the years I've really battled with my relationship with God and faith. Flip flopping back and forth between the things I've seen, experienced, and know that support God's existence or contradict it. As I've pressed into my marriage more and more, looking to have the healthiest , whole marriage one can have, God's plans for marriage, sex, family and relationships have always been the most sustaining and life giving. So it's really sent me soul searching again .

Now , as I feel this massive "knight in shining Armour" hole inside of me, that I know , is not my husbands responsibility to fill , although it is what he's suppose to pursue (we both are - unconditional love for each other) I know that I can't wait for my husband to figure it out , and it's not fair to him for me too. He's on his own journey and he is responsible for his heart, thoughts and actions. But I am also in charge of my own, so when I am looking to my husband to respond to me in the way only a perfect being can,  I'm setting us both up to fail .

 We are trying to teach Nehemiah now that it is HIS job to control HIS actions & attitudes, not mommy and daddy. And that his brother and other kids jobs are to have their own self control. I don't know if it's working! lol But, in trying to spell this principal out in three year old terms, it's really convicted me and reminded me again, that I am responsible for my own emotional well-being and thoughts and that my husband (to put it objectively) is just a resource to help with me managing myself , not a crutch, not the source of my happiness or peace, but someone to reference from time to time when I need help when I'm working on me.

One of the greatest lies of our generation

I have been socializing more lately in the past year then I am accustomed to. I know ... I sound like a freak ... Perhaps I am , but " friends" were never really a priority for me ... For as long as I can remember, I've been more or less content to live in my own little world. This of course results in a 

Little bit of a culture shock when I emerge from my little bubble.

It has however, been very helpful to my personal growth, and I would attribute most of these new social skills to my husband and children. 

Reading the media and being out in the world has confronted me with a view point I've been mulling over for quite some time now, and I believe it is one of the most crippling lies my generation is believing. Since all I have to go by is my own humble experience , I don't know where this "thought" emerged from, but I see the damage manifesting in almost every aspect of our lives . 

The lie is this: your life is about you .

It is heartbreaking really, as I think about my own isolation or loneliness in my own "self pursuits". The pitch that you should be " living your dream life" , "pursuing your happiness" , " if it makes you happy it's ok" and " if it (or a person) is not making you happy then stop" all sounds so empowering , but it is such a superficial power it is almost an illusion. 

I agree with the "push" (for a lack of a better word) for our independence (especially with women) and freedom and our ability to do whatever we want in this shrinking world, however, there is very little core created or refined when we are constantly navel gazing. There is no way to correct a character flaw, when you don't have anyone to call you out on it -let alone someone to help you outgrow it. My husband has probable been the biggest eye opener for this for me, not even him personally necessarily, but just being with someone who is committed to you , and my children have raised the red flag for me on how detrimental it really all is. 

Being a business woman , I am constantly being bombarded by "follow your passions" , " make the sacrifices for both you and your family" , " this is your life -make the most of it" " because you're worth it" , " because you deserve this ..." I could go on and on on all the " you " and " your" emphasizes. But to really make my life about what I want, takes about 100% of my effort, leaving no room for conformation, accountability, or correction, if my focus is always on securing my happiness and living my dream ... What do I do when I get into a relationship with someone who has been drinking the same kool-aide !? How can we both possibly live our dream lives and stay in love? The bottom line is you can't , and society, I feel, has made that ok - to forgo the latter to focus on the former "happiness." 

But it's so broken. If you really want to get the best out of life ? Fall in love ... Not just with a possible life partner, but with your friends and family. Our pursuit of happiness hinges on us avoiding things that make us unhappy , when the reality is ... You may really need to deal with those vulnerabilities, insecurities , anger and hurt to be truly happy - the catch, you can't do it alone. The beauty of a committed relationship, whether it being with a spouse or a good friend, is that they should be able to speak life and correction into your life, without the threat of you walking away. Some of you may disagree and feel that you can grow as a person on your own, and I do believe you can ... But it will be a much , much slower process , and I feel will result in regrets of not being able to get over yourself to live the life you wanted. 

I'm a bit all over the place tonight ... As I have a million thoughts running through my mind -I'm so opinionated! HAHA! But the bottom line is hold on to those people in your life, be freaking committed. I don't care anymore if I'm old fashioned, I've seen so many friends and people I know - I work with women for a living - let me tell you girls , this no commitment thing, ain't working for any of us. 

There is no reason for progression if there is an easy out. Do not pursue happiness for the sake of happiness - pursue wholeness and happiness, contentment and actual joy will be by products.(I know my friends are like Sarah-Jane joy-filled, I would like to see it , but it true I have felt joy - deep on my gut and it softens you a little each time) and furthermore it is sustainable and can grow. 

I sincerely want to thank those friends who have reached out to me and brought me into their life- you've impacted me in ways you'll never know, and of course my husband . I'm sure in every committed relationship, there is always one person who is more likely to make a run for it, I am so privileged to be with a man who never gives up on us or me. You are my greatest inspiration in life and continually teach me that "we" always trumps "me". 

P.s. There are things I have not touched on or even started to unfold , so imagine this is a part one of at least a two post process 

Thanks for reading , I hope I'm not alone in this journey. 

Xx

Sj 

It's all pretty amazing ...

My husband is a great guy. You would be hard pressed to find anyone besides me to say anything negative about him. And that sentence alone gave me some perspective on how I see him and treat him. Especially the past few months as I've been processing a lot of what 7 to 5 years ago and how it has affected me since.

Ryan stepped into my life in a pretty active way, when I was just reeling. I'm not even sure if I understand why I was at the point that I was when we started to get serious. But in some ways, I don't know if it's my personality or me just being a woman, but I just fall in love hard, I hurt deeply and just feel things intensely - well I did. I remember sitting in my bed on the phone with my ex and him starting to tell me - all the times he cheated on me - like over a dozen. It was unbelievable. And I don't think at 18 I was ready to process how deceived I had been, everyone else knew and everyone else was telling me to get out for a really long time, but I was stubborn and independent and had invested so much of me growing up,and becoming a person and discovering who I was with this guy - but I just remember vividly- him telling me and it NOT hurting ...all I felt was like a cement truck just backed down my throat and my whole chest and ribcage just turned to stone - I felt it, I felt it get hard and not hurt. I guess I felt ME get hard and not hurt. I kind of stopped thinking as this messy break up drew out .

I had isolated myself in this relationship from my family, my church and my friends - I know they would have all been there for me had I opened up, but instead I made new friends as I slipped into a depression that I would battle for the next 6 years. I wouldn't really say I was suicidal or self destructive, but I did start smoking pot, cigarettes , drinking every weekend and sleeping with waaaaay too many guys. And even though for some people that sounds like a great time -and I was having fun - I was crossing my own boundaries. Big time. And I've been cleaning up the mess ever since.

The mess of me is what really made me think - that I am to the point that I can see the mess I was and how far I've come that really made me search for the catalyst. As I was driving home from a long day of shooting I was thinking about something my husband and I had been discussing a few weeks back. I was really angry at this guy for lying to me when we had been sleeping together. Out of all the guys I had hooked up with, this guy hurt me. He had a serious girlfriend the whole time we had been hooking up and I only found out at the end - I was furious -and I had no idea who she was to tell her.So that really pissed me off, the second thing was I had told him- "listen,I don't want a serious relationship - let's just be casual friends and sleep together - blah blah blah." And he lied to me about that too, I told him lets just be friends and he was like no I really like you and want this to be more. I asked my husband "why? why would he lie to me about that?!?! when the thing he really wanted was what I was telling him I also wanted?!?" My hubby was like well he was just telling you what he thought you would really want to hear," But I had had this conversation we a previous guy, and he was like, yup! that's perfect to me" I responded. My husband reply's: " Sarah-Jane he was devastated when you stopped hanging out with him - he lied to you too, he wanted more, he was just telling you what he thought you wanted to hear too." I'm a little simple- so I was dumbfounded. And pissed AT ALL MANKIND. lol. I was thinking to myself - unbelievable ALL MEN - they lie, ALL OF THEM!!

Then I remember my husband, who has the potential to make the biggest idiot out of out of them all, since I can say I trust him wholeheartedly. He came into my life, and hasn't left and has always refused to just tell me what I wanted to hear.

It's pretty incredible - to be back in a place, that I could be completely blindsided and devastated. I'm also scared to type that I trust my husband and that he doesn't lie to me, in case I was to be made to feel like a fool again. And that's the feeling - you feel like a fool, just so stupid and such an idiot. But that is what love does. You cannot be hurt when you harden yourself - but you cannot love either. So something has got to give.

Although it feels more days than not, that I am banging my head against a wall and I was so stupid and crazy to get married so young. I am SO glad I did. My husband has brought me to a place I could never have gotten to being single,specifically this fast, as he continues to counter constantly all the lies I believe about myself and men. Although this marriage can be painful, messy and overwhelming - I'm glad I am in the middle of it with him. Marriage is one of those things you pay for to get one thing, like happiness, and end up getting a whole lot more then you bargained for, like perseverance, gentleness, vulnerbility, and strength.

Mentors for My Generation and Beyond

I am kind of a little weird sometimes. When I get some time to myself, sometimes all I want to do is listen to or watch teachings, usually from christian circles I follow, I'm just an information junkie, and  I love to just absorb wisdom and knowledge...not that anybody would be able to tell by the way I act...but I am sure it's all in their somewhere...repressed ...somewhere.

However, a trend I've just started to notice in some of my favorite Christian speakers is they all talk about when they first became Christians how they sought out "spiritual parents" or people that had lot's of experience in the Christian lifestyle; obviously this doesn't seem abnormal, but it just got my mind thinking, I started thinking about all these great artists, designers, dancers, business me, all the greats I've researched, all worked underneath someone and assisted, all had mentors to speak into them, their craft and their life.

Although in this season of my life I do not have anyone I would consider an active mentor, I have had them in the past, both spiritual mentors to inspire me, speak into my life, challenge me and coach me, as well as professional mentors, seasoned makeup artists or accomplished individuals in the local fashion industry. Myself being a young woman, they have always been women themselves, and all have had an irreversible impact on my life. From hard truths for character growths to cheer leading in tear filled nights not to give up;
these women have shaped my life and who I am.

I am blessed as well to have my own biological parents active in my life as people I can bounce things off of and turn to, but I think it's important to have someone outside of your family too. I once heard somebody say that in your life you should always have three types of relationships; Fathers/Mothers - People you turn to, who invest and give to you, but you give little back, somebody to talk to when you have questions who always has answers or can help you find answers ,Brothers/Sisters:  Relationships where there is a give and take, equal playing field for experience and wisdom and then finally; Sons/Daughters: Somebody who you give to and expect nothing in return, that you are the father/mother figure in the relationship.

I feel like our society stresses the brother/sister relationship, but not the father/mother or the son/daughter. I don't know if there are concrete goals and priorities outside of the educational institute to invest in the next generations as a work force, as parents, as the next leaders and as humans. I feel, and maybe it's just being in Moncton and this isn't a western epidemic, that it is difficult for me to find somebody to learn from, somebody to take the time to invest in me. Now obviously being an apprentice/disciple or under someone,  you admire and respect the person being the mentor, so you don't want it to be just anyone, but somebody you see has strengths in your areas of weakness. Anyways, I hope it's partly a mindset and not me just being too big of a pain in the ass to invest in.HAHA! However, there was a prophet (for my secular friends a prophet is someone is spiritual sensitive and hears from God, in the secular world they spiritual sensitive people are often called pyschics or mediums who hear and interact with spirits in general. Although their gifting is the same, a  true christian prophet will only listen to what God says and never other spirits) from England, sharing at my church a few years back and he was sharing how God's heart is broken for the fathers and mothers, both literally and figuratively, to turn back to stewarding the next generation.

Like I said, I am an information junkie, and consistently the things I read about the greats right now, is somebody let them work underneath them as the honed their craft and they now encourage people wanting to break into their line of work, to find the same. So, originally, I wrote this as a challenge to the older generation, however, I feel now it is applicable to my generation and the former.


To My Generation:

#1. Don't be Arrogant - we don't know everything, nobody does, but surprisingly , there are people out there who do know more then us about somethings. Perhaps, it is not technology or the latest whatever, but when it comes to relationships, character, life, marriage, children, religion, spirituality, maybe they don't have all the answers, but what they do have is experience, we aren't the first ones going through what we are going through, and we don't need to do so alone.

#2. Invest in the Next Generation - Regardless of what we received, we can't let the cycle continue, we can't let the generational gap continue to grow. If you don't have wisdom to share, you have had your first job interview, you have had your own humiliations and successes, you have fallen in love and you have had your heart broken. You've had to persevere through something, and you've had to weigh countless times your morals making difficult decisions. I know at times when I've felt like my back was against the wall, or I was overwhelmed,  just hearing that someone else had been there too- gave me hope. We can slow down, pause our own agendas of becoming legends or empires and just give some of ourselves to someone who needs it, and may never be able to return the favor.


To The Mother/Father Generation:

#1. I hope you don't see this as a judgement, as I recognize you're working with what you have been given, but for the continued progression of humanity, we need your experience and insight. Our society continues to become more and more narcissistic and more and more obsessed with self preservation. If our generations continues to navel gaze the break down of relationships, marriages, families, and societies is inevitable. It is not always necessary for us to make our own mistakes if we can learn from yours, and we are able to grow in our weaknesses as we lean on your strength.

My heart for my son and his generation is that my ceiling will be his floor and part of my personal growth is to become a person who can actively make that happen.

Clarity

I find there are few things in life that will give you as much clarity, inspiration & peace as your children.

With my pregnancy for my son Nehemiah, amidst all the morning sickness, aches in the body, bi-polar mood swings, and sleepless nights, there was a slow understanding of myself  and a contentment with life that began to unfold. And the layers are still unfolding...

Many of my friends and family know, the difficulty I had adjusting to my pregnancy and being a new mom. It has certainly been anything but an easy 29 months,  but it's funny, I hear people say they wouldn't change anything about their life, that they have no regrets, I've never agreed with that statement it seems ridiculous to me, but when it comes to my son, there is absolutely not a single thing I would change, because he has forced the plot in my life to move forward, and demanded my character development to keep up. I remember holding him, the first few days of his life and thinking to myself, "anything could happen right now, and nothing would ever take away this joy, and nothing could ever touch my love for you." For the first time, my heart felt invincible, it could not be broken or bittered, but could only love. Looking back now, I know that moment broke something for me, and launched me into a new evolutionary stage of becoming the woman I am suppose to be.

I am so painfully aware that someday my son will be capable of breaking my heart, and that he may do it. Just as I know I have broken my mom and dad's at times. Your children teach you so many lessons, by just being there with you, one of the small things my son has inadvertently taught me is the difference between an apology and true repentance. With the depth of the love for my son running so deep into my core, only surpassed by the depth of love i have for my husband, I remember the fights with my parents growing up, especially in my teenager years, particularly, one night, I don't remember what we were fighting about, but I remember screaming at my dad "I fucking hate you!!".. and I remember his eyes. I have already apologized for saying those hurtful words, I knew it was wrong, and I knew it hurt him. But now, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, like my spirit has been ripped open, my heart pummeled and my breath taken. Understanding now, the pain my father may have felt, and not just wanting to apologize to admit I was wrong and make amends, but to heal the pain I have caused and making him feel even more loved then ever before. How would I feel if the light of my life, my beautiful boy,  said those things to me? When you are a parent, you don't have the choice to protect yourself and build walls, you are raw and vulnerable. When you understand the pain that you've caused somebody else, you can start to clean up the mess and repair the relationship.

My goal, my mission, and my priority with my kids is to have an unbreakable connection with them. That they know, they always have access to my heart, and hopefully I will be able to gain their trust, and in return, they give me access to theirs. My goal is for my kids to trust me and love me because they know I love them. Which brings me to an even deeper level of clarity for my life, and how it will be set up. Knowing that my goal in life, next to my marriage is to have a strong, healthy relationship with my kids. Building good relationships requires me to be whole, and for me to have the ingredients to build, humility, honesty, love, generosity, trust, and time. The more I zero in on showing the ones I love that I love them, the more the landscape of my life and future change, and the more I am at peace with who I am.

I just really have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this week, and I realized. I don't want to be what the modern woman looks like. I don't want to have it all. I don't furthermore because I can't.We cannot have it all without sacrificing something, or worse but most common someone. I feel like it's almost frowned upon now, to stay at home with your kids for 20 years, I almost feel afraid or ashamed to say my priority in life is to bless my husband and children, not to have it all. I don't feel oppressed investing in those I love and I don't feel ripped off for their love and success being my return.My husband and I are equal, but different, we bring different resources to the table, and we need to be true to ourselves for even have those resources cultivated to give. But getting to this point of understanding...was a journey,because I certainly didn't feel like this the first year of my son's life, even though there was many magical moments. Moreover, I recognize, that I certainly have not arrived, nor have I even defined the type of woman I am becoming, I am still on that journey.

But I encourage the young women in my generation to listen to your heart and do what you want to do with your life, not because you feel like it is what you are suppose to do, or what others are telling you women today should be doing, but because you want to. If you don't want to be a mom, now or even ever, that's your choice, so make it for you don't let anyone else make it. I 100% believe the world will be more balanced with women working alongside of men and vice versa. Just do it for the right reasons, like I said above, women have unique resources that only they can bring to the tables of their homes or the tables of their boardrooms.