loving you is more important to me then killing you

I don't really even know where to begin. A lot has happened since my last post, a lot of overwhelming stuff, that I didn't even know how to share if I wanted to. Everyday is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, I tend to write I guess in the downs, but lately I have been WAY to down to write anything. The past two days, however, I have been surprisingly happy, and that makes me more happy, but It's a fight to hold unto that happiness. I think I am at one of the hardest points in my life so far, really having a hard look at my life right now as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a sister/daughter and as a Makeup Artist.

I'm so far from perfect. Everyone knows that, I demonstrate it on a regular bases, but I am not really honest about it with myself, I think very few people are. For about two months now, my husband's and my relationship has been really strained...as a result , I've gotten mad a lot of people, it has to be somebody's fault we are so dysfunctional.  I  start down the blame game and try to blame  the in-law's,  I think to myself "look at this man she gave me, he can't do anything for himself cause she did everything for him, if it hadn't been for her constantly accommodating her boys, my marriage would be so much better...and ugh...he's just like his father and he had no idea how to connect heart-to-heart and now I am stuck without being able to connect to my husband cause he was never taught relationship skills on an intimate level..."  And then I catch myself ...going through a list of all the people that have shaped Ryan and I to become who we are today, but ya know what? The only people that can save my relationship with husband, is him and I.It would be soooo much easier to look for people to blame, but I think I need to have a little more courage and be a little more honest with myself, I am responsible for my actions, regardless of what people or life throw my way. That is empowering in a way, but scarey at the same time, but if I have a problem, I can take responsibility for it, and fix it. The only thing I can do about the problems I see in our marriage is change my contribution. I can't control Ryan, I can try, but it will backfire. I can nag at him all I want, but is that all I want? An accommodating husband? Is that what this great romance, passion and love has been reduced to? Mutual accommodation? I think a lot of marriages have been, it's sad, I see these couples regularly who are interacting, but not really interacting, so lonely, dreams crushed. Who falls in love or gets married with the hopes of finding someone that will accommodate them for the rest of their life?


It's a fight sometimes, not just to slip into the motions, just lie down and say, "You Win! I give up" . Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier, to just have a roommate rather then a husband, actually, I know it would be so much easier. Much easier to just live our separate lives, have our separate visions, our separate dreams, our separate schedule, just be friends, without having to sacrifice for the other person. Sacrifice...not a word you hear often now unless it's about getting ahead in your career, but what about getting a head in your relationships? The thing about sacrifice is ...it's so bloody expensive. So I am faced with the question, how much is it going to cost? How much does having a living, breathing, loving, healthy relationship with my husband going to cost me? And better yet, do I want to pay it? ...should have thought about that before I signed the life contract. I think I know the answer, I know that deep down inside of me, I am willing to take who I am and invest that daily into our relationship so that our dreams, visions and life do become one beautiful love-filled life. But it's to take the first step, to put the gun down and not say "You win! I give up!" but to put the gun down and say "loving you is more important to me then killing you" HAHA! It's funny, but so true... if anyone, anyone could say something nasty about you, from who would if hurt the most? The people that you love!! When you have constant martial spats, and are tearing each other down, you are literally killing each other.


A friend and I were sharing last night and she was talking about a conference where she was at and the speaker said "When I fight with my wife, and tear her down,disrespect her, I am actually fighting with myself at the deepest of levels, because we are one." That just spoke such truth to me, holding unto every grudge, constantly judging my husband and watching him for every screw up, I am making my own life a living hell. I married this man, and said I would devote my life to him, why then, when a huge part of my happiness and well-being is dependent on him, would I constantly be sabotaging it by being a psycho bitch to him? I need to forgive him for his mistakes and release him for my nagging death grip and focus on what I CAN control...myself.

Brainwashed on how to love.

Since I have gotten married I have chosen to really immerse myself in Christian literature and teachings on relationships, marriage, men and sex. I've chosen to focus on continually filling my mind with positive material on marriage and all the dynamics involved. Why? Because we are constantly and continually bombarded by negative information on marriage by the media, by society, by friends and family who have broken families or dysfunctional relationships. I mean the bar and the standard for relationships or marriage is set SO low in North America. We are brainwashed into thinking that when you get married it is to the person you fall madly in love with and will make you happy for the rest of your life. And if they stop making you happy or you stop feeling like you are madly in love with them, you walk away and try someone else. Both of these ideas are destroying lives all over and it is heartbreaking.

Chic flicks, comedies and TV dramas are setting couples up to have negative expectations from their mates. Hollywood often presents husbands as lazy, careless, heartless sex maniacs, that are constantly lusting over anything that has two legs and an ass,that they never listen or pay attention, sports, friends and beer trump family and wife, and they could be just as well off without their wives. In their roles as fathers, they are losers, distant from their children, control freaks, out of touch with what is going on, they don't show affection or love and they don't have respect or admiration from their children.
Woman as wives are nagging, not interested in sex, controlling, needy, desperate, they always seem to be shopping, second fiddle to what the husband is doing, resentful, bitter... I mean the list goes on, name a character flaw or a relationship issue and I'm sure you've seen glamorized on the sliver screen by a good looking couple with lot's of money. AND the affairs, and the cheating and the unfaithfulness, I mean, I don't know the last movie I saw that wasn't PG that someone wasn't sneaking around with someone else. I know that some of these issues are real, and they are damaging real couples but why do we meditate on it? Why do we pollute our brains with dysfunctional peoples relationships.
What does watching men cheat on their wives and watching woman try and mother their husbands do to your perspective of marriage,or your perspective of men and women?

The family unit today is so broken. A lot of us don't know how to love. A lot of us don't know how to be in a relationship. A lot of us don't know how to make a marriage work. A lot of us don't know how to raise a child in the way he should go. A lot of us have never seen it demonstrated properly, I would venture as far to say none of us has seen any of these things done right. Nobody we know is perfect, so how can they demonstrate to us what the perfect marriage is, or the best way to parent. So why do we look to broken, hurt imperfect people to dictate how to love. You may think to yourself, I don't do that, I just enjoy reading the tabloids or watching tv for fun. I want you to get a piece of paper and a pen, be really honest with yourself, and write at the top 'Men are..." or "women are..." Or "Marriage is...". Fill in the blanks, let it come for your heart, and you may recognize some ideas that aren't yours. You may also see some ideas that are very much yours, they are your hurts and are painful realities of your marriage and your life. However, they doesn't have to be.

I choose to reeducate myself on the ways of love and setting a higher standard. That I don't get married because I have fallen madly in love and have found someone that will always make me happy, no, I get married because I choose to love and I have found someone I always want to make happy. I want the people in my life that I love to know, I would take a bullet for you, and I know you would take a bullet for me. I will die to protect this relationship, I will die to my pride when I am wrong, I will die to my fear when you've wronged me. I will choose to continue to love you, regardless of who screws up. I will choose to forgive and not punish. I will choose to request and not demand. I choose freedom not control. I choose to confront and not resent. I choose to live my life to be a blessing to you. When you succeed, I succeed. I choose trust and not suspicion. I choose to encourage and not nag. I choose to love and not to hide.

Can you imagine the world if we chose to love our spouse this way and our children. What type of people would we become? I challenge you to review what is influencing your love. I am a strong believer in controlling your medias and also that people are a product of their environment, but not at the mercy of it. What is the atmosphere you are creating in your home. What lenses are you viewing your spouse through? What areas in your life do you need to forgive and ask God for forgiveness?

Baby steps are ok. I feel like I take one step forward, two steps back. Some ideas are rooted deep, and they are painful, but look for truth to give you perspective not to other people who have the same hurts. I ask God for grace for you and for me, as we learn how to love on a higher standard. The way He loves us.