It's all pretty amazing ...

My husband is a great guy. You would be hard pressed to find anyone besides me to say anything negative about him. And that sentence alone gave me some perspective on how I see him and treat him. Especially the past few months as I've been processing a lot of what 7 to 5 years ago and how it has affected me since.

Ryan stepped into my life in a pretty active way, when I was just reeling. I'm not even sure if I understand why I was at the point that I was when we started to get serious. But in some ways, I don't know if it's my personality or me just being a woman, but I just fall in love hard, I hurt deeply and just feel things intensely - well I did. I remember sitting in my bed on the phone with my ex and him starting to tell me - all the times he cheated on me - like over a dozen. It was unbelievable. And I don't think at 18 I was ready to process how deceived I had been, everyone else knew and everyone else was telling me to get out for a really long time, but I was stubborn and independent and had invested so much of me growing up,and becoming a person and discovering who I was with this guy - but I just remember vividly- him telling me and it NOT hurting ...all I felt was like a cement truck just backed down my throat and my whole chest and ribcage just turned to stone - I felt it, I felt it get hard and not hurt. I guess I felt ME get hard and not hurt. I kind of stopped thinking as this messy break up drew out .

I had isolated myself in this relationship from my family, my church and my friends - I know they would have all been there for me had I opened up, but instead I made new friends as I slipped into a depression that I would battle for the next 6 years. I wouldn't really say I was suicidal or self destructive, but I did start smoking pot, cigarettes , drinking every weekend and sleeping with waaaaay too many guys. And even though for some people that sounds like a great time -and I was having fun - I was crossing my own boundaries. Big time. And I've been cleaning up the mess ever since.

The mess of me is what really made me think - that I am to the point that I can see the mess I was and how far I've come that really made me search for the catalyst. As I was driving home from a long day of shooting I was thinking about something my husband and I had been discussing a few weeks back. I was really angry at this guy for lying to me when we had been sleeping together. Out of all the guys I had hooked up with, this guy hurt me. He had a serious girlfriend the whole time we had been hooking up and I only found out at the end - I was furious -and I had no idea who she was to tell her.So that really pissed me off, the second thing was I had told him- "listen,I don't want a serious relationship - let's just be casual friends and sleep together - blah blah blah." And he lied to me about that too, I told him lets just be friends and he was like no I really like you and want this to be more. I asked my husband "why? why would he lie to me about that?!?! when the thing he really wanted was what I was telling him I also wanted?!?" My hubby was like well he was just telling you what he thought you would really want to hear," But I had had this conversation we a previous guy, and he was like, yup! that's perfect to me" I responded. My husband reply's: " Sarah-Jane he was devastated when you stopped hanging out with him - he lied to you too, he wanted more, he was just telling you what he thought you wanted to hear too." I'm a little simple- so I was dumbfounded. And pissed AT ALL MANKIND. lol. I was thinking to myself - unbelievable ALL MEN - they lie, ALL OF THEM!!

Then I remember my husband, who has the potential to make the biggest idiot out of out of them all, since I can say I trust him wholeheartedly. He came into my life, and hasn't left and has always refused to just tell me what I wanted to hear.

It's pretty incredible - to be back in a place, that I could be completely blindsided and devastated. I'm also scared to type that I trust my husband and that he doesn't lie to me, in case I was to be made to feel like a fool again. And that's the feeling - you feel like a fool, just so stupid and such an idiot. But that is what love does. You cannot be hurt when you harden yourself - but you cannot love either. So something has got to give.

Although it feels more days than not, that I am banging my head against a wall and I was so stupid and crazy to get married so young. I am SO glad I did. My husband has brought me to a place I could never have gotten to being single,specifically this fast, as he continues to counter constantly all the lies I believe about myself and men. Although this marriage can be painful, messy and overwhelming - I'm glad I am in the middle of it with him. Marriage is one of those things you pay for to get one thing, like happiness, and end up getting a whole lot more then you bargained for, like perseverance, gentleness, vulnerbility, and strength.

Mentors for My Generation and Beyond

I am kind of a little weird sometimes. When I get some time to myself, sometimes all I want to do is listen to or watch teachings, usually from christian circles I follow, I'm just an information junkie, and  I love to just absorb wisdom and knowledge...not that anybody would be able to tell by the way I act...but I am sure it's all in their somewhere...repressed ...somewhere.

However, a trend I've just started to notice in some of my favorite Christian speakers is they all talk about when they first became Christians how they sought out "spiritual parents" or people that had lot's of experience in the Christian lifestyle; obviously this doesn't seem abnormal, but it just got my mind thinking, I started thinking about all these great artists, designers, dancers, business me, all the greats I've researched, all worked underneath someone and assisted, all had mentors to speak into them, their craft and their life.

Although in this season of my life I do not have anyone I would consider an active mentor, I have had them in the past, both spiritual mentors to inspire me, speak into my life, challenge me and coach me, as well as professional mentors, seasoned makeup artists or accomplished individuals in the local fashion industry. Myself being a young woman, they have always been women themselves, and all have had an irreversible impact on my life. From hard truths for character growths to cheer leading in tear filled nights not to give up;
these women have shaped my life and who I am.

I am blessed as well to have my own biological parents active in my life as people I can bounce things off of and turn to, but I think it's important to have someone outside of your family too. I once heard somebody say that in your life you should always have three types of relationships; Fathers/Mothers - People you turn to, who invest and give to you, but you give little back, somebody to talk to when you have questions who always has answers or can help you find answers ,Brothers/Sisters:  Relationships where there is a give and take, equal playing field for experience and wisdom and then finally; Sons/Daughters: Somebody who you give to and expect nothing in return, that you are the father/mother figure in the relationship.

I feel like our society stresses the brother/sister relationship, but not the father/mother or the son/daughter. I don't know if there are concrete goals and priorities outside of the educational institute to invest in the next generations as a work force, as parents, as the next leaders and as humans. I feel, and maybe it's just being in Moncton and this isn't a western epidemic, that it is difficult for me to find somebody to learn from, somebody to take the time to invest in me. Now obviously being an apprentice/disciple or under someone,  you admire and respect the person being the mentor, so you don't want it to be just anyone, but somebody you see has strengths in your areas of weakness. Anyways, I hope it's partly a mindset and not me just being too big of a pain in the ass to invest in.HAHA! However, there was a prophet (for my secular friends a prophet is someone is spiritual sensitive and hears from God, in the secular world they spiritual sensitive people are often called pyschics or mediums who hear and interact with spirits in general. Although their gifting is the same, a  true christian prophet will only listen to what God says and never other spirits) from England, sharing at my church a few years back and he was sharing how God's heart is broken for the fathers and mothers, both literally and figuratively, to turn back to stewarding the next generation.

Like I said, I am an information junkie, and consistently the things I read about the greats right now, is somebody let them work underneath them as the honed their craft and they now encourage people wanting to break into their line of work, to find the same. So, originally, I wrote this as a challenge to the older generation, however, I feel now it is applicable to my generation and the former.


To My Generation:

#1. Don't be Arrogant - we don't know everything, nobody does, but surprisingly , there are people out there who do know more then us about somethings. Perhaps, it is not technology or the latest whatever, but when it comes to relationships, character, life, marriage, children, religion, spirituality, maybe they don't have all the answers, but what they do have is experience, we aren't the first ones going through what we are going through, and we don't need to do so alone.

#2. Invest in the Next Generation - Regardless of what we received, we can't let the cycle continue, we can't let the generational gap continue to grow. If you don't have wisdom to share, you have had your first job interview, you have had your own humiliations and successes, you have fallen in love and you have had your heart broken. You've had to persevere through something, and you've had to weigh countless times your morals making difficult decisions. I know at times when I've felt like my back was against the wall, or I was overwhelmed,  just hearing that someone else had been there too- gave me hope. We can slow down, pause our own agendas of becoming legends or empires and just give some of ourselves to someone who needs it, and may never be able to return the favor.


To The Mother/Father Generation:

#1. I hope you don't see this as a judgement, as I recognize you're working with what you have been given, but for the continued progression of humanity, we need your experience and insight. Our society continues to become more and more narcissistic and more and more obsessed with self preservation. If our generations continues to navel gaze the break down of relationships, marriages, families, and societies is inevitable. It is not always necessary for us to make our own mistakes if we can learn from yours, and we are able to grow in our weaknesses as we lean on your strength.

My heart for my son and his generation is that my ceiling will be his floor and part of my personal growth is to become a person who can actively make that happen.

Clarity

I find there are few things in life that will give you as much clarity, inspiration & peace as your children.

With my pregnancy for my son Nehemiah, amidst all the morning sickness, aches in the body, bi-polar mood swings, and sleepless nights, there was a slow understanding of myself  and a contentment with life that began to unfold. And the layers are still unfolding...

Many of my friends and family know, the difficulty I had adjusting to my pregnancy and being a new mom. It has certainly been anything but an easy 29 months,  but it's funny, I hear people say they wouldn't change anything about their life, that they have no regrets, I've never agreed with that statement it seems ridiculous to me, but when it comes to my son, there is absolutely not a single thing I would change, because he has forced the plot in my life to move forward, and demanded my character development to keep up. I remember holding him, the first few days of his life and thinking to myself, "anything could happen right now, and nothing would ever take away this joy, and nothing could ever touch my love for you." For the first time, my heart felt invincible, it could not be broken or bittered, but could only love. Looking back now, I know that moment broke something for me, and launched me into a new evolutionary stage of becoming the woman I am suppose to be.

I am so painfully aware that someday my son will be capable of breaking my heart, and that he may do it. Just as I know I have broken my mom and dad's at times. Your children teach you so many lessons, by just being there with you, one of the small things my son has inadvertently taught me is the difference between an apology and true repentance. With the depth of the love for my son running so deep into my core, only surpassed by the depth of love i have for my husband, I remember the fights with my parents growing up, especially in my teenager years, particularly, one night, I don't remember what we were fighting about, but I remember screaming at my dad "I fucking hate you!!".. and I remember his eyes. I have already apologized for saying those hurtful words, I knew it was wrong, and I knew it hurt him. But now, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, like my spirit has been ripped open, my heart pummeled and my breath taken. Understanding now, the pain my father may have felt, and not just wanting to apologize to admit I was wrong and make amends, but to heal the pain I have caused and making him feel even more loved then ever before. How would I feel if the light of my life, my beautiful boy,  said those things to me? When you are a parent, you don't have the choice to protect yourself and build walls, you are raw and vulnerable. When you understand the pain that you've caused somebody else, you can start to clean up the mess and repair the relationship.

My goal, my mission, and my priority with my kids is to have an unbreakable connection with them. That they know, they always have access to my heart, and hopefully I will be able to gain their trust, and in return, they give me access to theirs. My goal is for my kids to trust me and love me because they know I love them. Which brings me to an even deeper level of clarity for my life, and how it will be set up. Knowing that my goal in life, next to my marriage is to have a strong, healthy relationship with my kids. Building good relationships requires me to be whole, and for me to have the ingredients to build, humility, honesty, love, generosity, trust, and time. The more I zero in on showing the ones I love that I love them, the more the landscape of my life and future change, and the more I am at peace with who I am.

I just really have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this week, and I realized. I don't want to be what the modern woman looks like. I don't want to have it all. I don't furthermore because I can't.We cannot have it all without sacrificing something, or worse but most common someone. I feel like it's almost frowned upon now, to stay at home with your kids for 20 years, I almost feel afraid or ashamed to say my priority in life is to bless my husband and children, not to have it all. I don't feel oppressed investing in those I love and I don't feel ripped off for their love and success being my return.My husband and I are equal, but different, we bring different resources to the table, and we need to be true to ourselves for even have those resources cultivated to give. But getting to this point of understanding...was a journey,because I certainly didn't feel like this the first year of my son's life, even though there was many magical moments. Moreover, I recognize, that I certainly have not arrived, nor have I even defined the type of woman I am becoming, I am still on that journey.

But I encourage the young women in my generation to listen to your heart and do what you want to do with your life, not because you feel like it is what you are suppose to do, or what others are telling you women today should be doing, but because you want to. If you don't want to be a mom, now or even ever, that's your choice, so make it for you don't let anyone else make it. I 100% believe the world will be more balanced with women working alongside of men and vice versa. Just do it for the right reasons, like I said above, women have unique resources that only they can bring to the tables of their homes or the tables of their boardrooms.