Conversatiosn with Ryan # 7

I love my husband, and he tries really hard to me that he loves me. I am not easy to please and I need to remind myself of that. But this morning I woke up to a little note on my pillow and proceed to find them all through the house as I went along with my day. Here is a couple ..

This one however is my favorite...

"I appreciate all you do around the house" NEXT TO THE DIRTY DISHES HE LEFT FROM HIS BREAKFAST ...HAHAHHAHA...I could kill him sometimes ...he's lucky he left sweet little notes around the rest of the house too!

SUCCESS !!

I don't know how to fix the audio sync on this guys ...sorry :( I'll have to ask my dad this week !

My new nightlife

What I want right now for my life…

Some of you are probably going to laugh, and I’m sure I will laugh at them too later, but this is who I want to be, today. (I wasn't originally going to share it, but hey, what the heck)

My Dreams, December 1st 2011

 To have a big, beautiful, fabulous foodie kitchen, filled with all kinds of delicious and beautiful foods and cool kitchen gadgets and lots of cooking space
 To have a fully stocked liqueur cabinet
 To have a fabulous wine collection and wine fridge/cellar
 To have makeup business up and running smoothly and making lots of monies.
 Be top makeup artist in Atlantic Canada
 Be an award winning makeup artist
 Start sewing clothes for my family
 Start knitting again
 Being financial responsible and secure and investing in my family’s future
 To be able to bless others financial
 For Ryan to be living his dreams
 To get a bachelor’s degree
 To buy a big house with lots of space for family and friends to visit
 Get my wardrobe back up to standard
 To be able to travel all over and see the world
 To have happy, healthy children
 Have a beautifully designed and decorated home
 Be able to invest in Africa and work there on a regular basis
 Get an agent in Montreal
 Go to Paris
 Get my body back + hotter
 Keep my hands and feet manicured
 Get closer to God and get to know him better
 Be able to hear God and listen and communicate with him
 Have lots of books
 Cottage on PEI
 Get organized and have a clean house
 Be a fabulous cook
 Be a blessing to my husband
 Stop having McDonalds cravings

motherhood, manic and misery

My weekend was a little hectic, as it often is, I would really like to slow down a bit, but I don't know how. This weekend though was especially emotionally draining.I have had so many things on my mind and my heart, and I think that may be why I haven't been blogging lately, I don't know how to articulate it all so that it makes sense, or has a point and isn't just incoherent rambling. So I might bounce around a little bit in this entry, we'll see where it goes.

Ryan and I really got into it yesterday morning, there had been tension since Wednesday, and I had slept in the guest room for two nights, so by Saturday morning, all this stuff that had been building up for 3 days, I was ready to rip his head off (I think I have temper problems.) Let me just explain this fundamental thing you need to understand if you ever want a heterosexual relationship to work ..men and women are different. I really don't think a lot of people get it, but I think it damages the woman more. I hear so many people sharing or talking about relationship issues thinking their is something wrong with their partner, but in my head, I'm thinking this doesn't sound like a Dick and Jane difference , this sounds like a men and women difference.

Anyways... So Rye and I were really duking it out Saturday morning, it was painful and it was hard, and I think the hardest part about it was that I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to fix us. Essentially it boils down to this, I need Ryan to be more involved with helping me at home,however I have a couple of issues with that. Number one, I feel guilty about needing his help, I know he's gone working all day, at a job he hates none the less, and he's not sleeping well cause I'm not sleeping well, so he is always exhausted. So for me , as a wife, I WANT to take care of him, and have him come home to a beautiful, clean house, with supper on the table and ribbons in my hair and a bowtie on the baby, I want our home to be a sanctuary for him. A place where he can get away from the world, and just be in a safe loving place and get recharged and filled up. SO, when I need him to do stuff around the house, guilt and shame come in and I feel like a failure (for all those woman wondering, My husband has never confessed a desire for this, I just have this fantasy house-wife idea in my head that I feel like I'm suppose to fulfill...no idea where it came from) and I can't remember what other issues I have with that ...too sleepy to make sense anymore but essentially, I feel tracked in this very stressful cycle. Ryan's stressed about work comes home to a wife that's stressed out about the house being a mess, her hair not being brushed ( what am I talking about brushed...I mean not even washed) trying to get her makeup business up and going and trying to take care of the baby and have a little bit of a social life as I get terribly lonely with just me and the babe. So like most people when they feel guilty, they get defensive, and when we are defensive, we're on edge and that's where I've been for I don't know, the past two months at least, and it is EXHAUSTING. But the hard part about our fighting and disagreeing Saturday morning was trying to come up with a resolution. You're in pain, I am in pain, how are we gonna change this. What can we do to make this better. I feel like we are in cycle, he can't quit his job we need him to work for money, so it comes back to me, what can I do to relieve some stress in our lives...which opens up a whole new can of worms.

Ryan and I were talking tonight about makeup, and my business, there are so other makeup artist out there that I'm seeing all over facebook and I think their work is awful , well not awful but just not good , and it's not that I think I am the best, I know that there are many others out there that are much better then I am, and better then I possibly ever will be, and I'm ok with that, kind of, I'm working on accepting I can't compare myself to makeup artist who didn't just have a baby four months ago. but ANYWAYS, so I see this MUA, who happens to be someone I don't think is as talented as I am , and they are doing a lot of makeup and that is discouraging and a little disheartening. So Ryan and I are just talking back and forth about the industry and the contacts I know and what I should be doing now and working towards and how much money to invest in my business and when and blah, blah , blah, when it kind of dawns on me. Maybe I shouldn't be working right now like this. I've pretty much been booked every weekend for the past two months, and have had stuff going on during the week days a couple of times, and it's really taking a lot out of me. Plus there is a lot of stuff I do at home for my business people don't see, working on advertising, facebook page, I launched my new website for bridal makeup, www.monctonmakeup.com , I constantly need to be reading up on the latest products and new trends , I always have to be learning.My makeup kit takes up alot of maintence it's self, for every gig I do, I need to spend at least an hour afterwards cleaning and sanitizing everything. Plus I'm trying to network so that once my EI runs out I'll be able to stay at home with Nehemiah and not have to go back to work full time and just work part time with whatever gigs I can book. But it's alot of working, being your own product, your own brand, your own customer service, your own accountant, your own lawyer, your own graphic and web deisgner, your own marketing team, your own sales,your on industry research and testing plus I don't have somewhere where I can set up an office space in my apartment so I constantly feel disorganized.

Anyways, hopefully after that rant you appreciate freelance makeup artists a little bit more! HAHA! I'm battling with, ok what do I do and what do I leave. What is the responsible amount of work for me to take on. Am I taking on too much? I started doing makeup again 3 weeks after Nehemiah was born. I asked my husband tonight if I should stop and he said , you were going crazy, you told me you don't want to be "just a mom". Great another thing to feel guilty about, cause it's true, I don't want to be just a mom, and I feel horrible about it. Mothers are amazing and it's not that I don't think that it isn't important, I think it's very important and that's why I feel bad about my desire to pursue other things. I'm so scared I'm just going to bulldozer over my kids so I can keep getting a head in work. I've caught myself getting frustrated with Ryan the past few weeks thinking in my head "UGH, YOUR SLOWING ME DOWN!!" I hate that my heart is all upside down and I am prioritzing work over my relationships and connection with my husband. When my friends facebook me or email me, average time it takes me to get back to them is 3 weeks to a month, if I ever do. and that's not right, but it's just my life right now is Baby, Work,Baby, House,Baby, Husband,Baby Work,Baby, Sleep, Eat or Shower ( only able to choose one daily) So no I'm not at peace with being a housewife and a mom, but I don't want to be a neglectful wife and a bad mom. And I am terrified that Nehemiah is going to feel unwanted or like a burden, because he's not , not at all he is SUCH a precious gift and has blessed me beyond measure in his short little life so far, and I know it's only going to get better, ( I can't wait for him to be able to talk!) It's me , it's me it's me, it's my issues, and I don't want to ever take those on. So it's a little tormenting, make sure the baby feels love and wanted and safe and happy and all those cozy things , and then work my ass off the rest of the time on my business , then OH NO , my house smells like something crawled under the table and died,and there is nothing in the fridge to eat and my husband is shriveling up into a little prune dying for affection.Ok start focusing on the Baby and the husband ..kkk everyone is happy, OH NO, 40 emails to reply to, resume to update, facebook page to update, makeup brushes to clean, phone calls to make , I feel like I am constantly running to try and catch up on something else. BUT as I've been typing this , in the back of my mind I've been simplifying my business plan, so that I only set aside one day a week to work on things, and then the rest of the week only spend 30-45 minutes daily on emails and facebook, advertising and website maintenance, until the baby is older.

Well it's almost Three, I've trashed my dining room playing with makeup earlier , and there is a good chance my baby is going to be up in two hours. So I'm gonna head to bed. xo

dark places

Wow...I can't believe how long its been since I've written. There has been a lot going on. Expect lots of nonsense and grammatical errors in this post. I am too tired to edit it, but to worked up to sleep.

There has been some tragic, tragic deaths in my life the past few weeks. Both of them people I didn't know very well, but that were very close to loved ones. And it's been really, really painful. I really don't want to be all doom and gloom, but I'm depressed, and have been for weeks now, and maybe if I get it out, I'll feel better in the morning.

I choose to shelter myself, and attempt to preserve what innocence I have left and I try to be very careful about what movies and TV I watch, and the content of the books I read. And not that people don't hurt, and mourn when a loved one passes on, but I do believe as a society we have been desensitized to death in general. And it really bothers me. The glory in the fighting, and the pain and the death in action and thriller movies offends me. The glamorization of torture , cruelty and evil is hard for me to stomach. Watching this kind of stuff always bothered me,but now that people that where in my life are dead, its almost unbearable. It's the same thing with relationships, and affairs and divorces on tv and movies, they are so glamorized, and sexy and exciting, but then when you, yourself are living through it, and you can't change the channel...it's earth shattering.

So ... as cliche as it sounds...I've been questioning the meaning of life. I believe God loves us, that he always has and always will, I believe that the human race brought sin into our lives which damaged that relationship we could have had with God, but that Jesus came so that it would be restored, and we now have the open invitation to live with God, as friends... but if that was the whole purpose of life, to be in relationship with God, then why would he even both sending us to earth? Couldn't he just create us in heaven? Just skip this whole earth process, if all it was for was getting to know him and telling other people about him?...so im not at peace. And life is precious, so precious. there is a reason why we are all here, and therefore there is value in us all being here. But i dont know, we dont get it, I don't get it. All the wars, and the starvation and just unnecessary deaths, why? Why don't we value life anymore ? Why does the news not break our hearts? Why do we let our children watch people getting blown up or gunned down, or let them pretend to do it?

I also don't understand why we wait until the funeral to tell someone how awesome they are. When they're alive "oh well you know they have this problem..." or "oh well you know they have this issue.." but when they are dead...nobody has anything but good things to say about them. I wonder if we just CHOSE to live like that on a regular bases, CHOSE to focus on the best in people and to associate the best in someone with that person whenever we think of them.

The night Ryan and I found out that his uncle died suddenly of a heart attack there had been a lot of tension between us and we were fighting. His mother called me hysterical while Ryan was out saying how David had a heart attack driving home from work and died pulling into his driveway. What would I have done if Ryan pulled into my driveway and never got out of the car ... there are just so many things that aren't worth it, they just aren't. I feel like my life is a soap opera ... the things that have happened this year are insane... and I guess bottom line is, you just never know.

My heart is heavy , and I know I am mourning for more then the two lives that were lost ...however, I don't know what it is that I mourn for but I know it's ripping my spirit up.

I don't want this to be a downer, cause I know God is bigger and I trust him, I really do, for the first time in a long time I do. It's just heavy and painful ...and life goes on and there is no grid for it.

I'm going to try and go back to bed, hopefully my next post will be lighter.

Conversations with Ryan #6

Ryan stubs his toe and yelps in pain, "OUCH!" then he looks at me, pouts and says, "ouch that really hurt, we need to have sex."

Me "Well I haven't heard that one before" and then I laughed.

(Nice Try Babe.)

Conversations with Ryan #5

Ryan and I are lying in bed, he kisses me goodnight and I say, "Do you feel like we are married?"
Ryan laughs a little and says, "Oh yeah, we are WORKING through some STUFF..."
Then he quotes 1 Corinthians 7:28
"But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." (emphasis added)

Typical Thursday Morning Baggage Pt. 2 on Friday afternoon

People now often refer to me as either a) the shy girl or b) the snobby bitch depends on how well you know me! lol , and I was never that girl before. Well Snobby maybe, shy definitely not. Where did my voice go? Where did I go? I had someone ask me this past spring what I did for fun...they totally stumped me..."uhhh...fun?... hmmm...ummm" I was racking my brain. I couldn't think of anything that I did just for the fun of it. I remember after we broke up, about a year later, I was pulling away from God more and more, our break up was long and drawn out and painful, and I remember thinking "God, I just want to be happy, I just want to be happy...and I'm not happy, this whole christian thing isn't making me happy..." So I started exploring other options of happiness, drinking here and there, and then pretty much every weekend, smoking first casual, then all the time, sleeping around, dating LOTS of boys,shopping like a mad woman, dozens of shoes, purses, new outfits every weekend, hundreds of dollars on jewelry, there was about 4 months where I was totally off the grid. The more I pursued happiness, the less happy I got. I was pursuing a symptom not a cause. I thought my unhappiness was the issue, but my unhappiness was just a symptom of my brokenness. I was not whole anymore, I had no identity. How can you be happy if you don't know who you are? How can you love yourself if you don't know who you are? How can you love anyone else if you don't love yourself? How can you be vulnerable with someone and let someone be vulnerable with you if you don't even know what you think?How can you be intimate with someone if you are a stranger to yourself?

I gave so many pieces of me to this guy, I wasn't me anymore. Regardless of whether there was abuse or not, I had willing given some pieces of me to him, and replaced them with his. Regardless of the traumatic situations that have definitely imprinted on me, and made it hard to trust, one can't truly trust and one can't truly love if one is not whole. Why am I afraid of sex? Because I don't feel safe. Why don't I feel safe? Because I don't know the truth about who I am. You can lose the truth about who you are in many different ways, sometimes you don't give it away like I did, sometimes it's taken from you, sometimes it's slowly eroded away by painful life circumstances.Sometimes you've never known who you are. Nobody ever told you; you are valuable, you are lovable, I love you because I choose to;because I want to- not because of what you do or what you don't do, you are a powerful person, you are good, you are worth it. We need someone to tell us these things, in every situation we get ourselves in; tell us how awesome we are, when we feel the farthest thing from it. It's hard to find people that can speak life into us all the time, because a lot of people are also working through their brokenness. I think you really need to find your identity in someone bigger, because no one is ever going to always instinctively accept you for who you are. A lot of us have been told that such a person does not exist, that there is no one we can go to without being judged, that there is no one that will love us unconditional, that there isn't someone that will treat you the way you should be treated not how you deserve to be treated. But there is, and there is incredible freedom when you meet this person.

For girls, and even men, who find themselves in relationships similar to mine, or even when you have people in your life who don't aim to bring out the best in you. Don't let those people define who you are, shit can happen to you, and it can be painful and stuff can continue to happen but you can't let it become your identity or even part of it. When you accept lies about yourself as part of your identity, you warp your perspective of yourself, of life, of others, and of God. Then you start building more lies and acting out of those lies, instead of who you are. Sometimes your identity can get so distorted, like mine did, it's crippling.

Right now I'm working through slowly stripping away the lies and finding who I am. It's SO painful, but I think that's why God does it slowly. The closest thing I can describe to how I have been feeling is like I am being dethawed. It stings, but I know if it was to happen instantly, it would probably kill me. Working through this garbage from my previous relationship has been so painful. Removing the lies from my identity is like taking a knife out of a partially healed wound, (I'm not healed, I've just learned to live with the knife in my leg) it's messy, it hurts, and you don't know how you'll survive, but you do, and you heal up, and eventually you start to feel good again. I went through a period of numbness, for years, I think that is how I made all my stupid decisions, I couldn't feel them. Then EVERYTHING hurt, but now parts of me are healed and feel good, and I can recognize when I've got an open wound. A lot of repentance and a lot of forgiveness has been bringing me closer and closer to being alive again but I know I've got a long way to go, it's hard to let go of some of those character defects that have been comfort for us, but safety in freedom is always better then safety in bondage.

Typical Thursday Morning Baggage Pt. 1

So A good friend of mine had read my last blog post about oxytocin, and being the brilliant woman she is, went on and did some of her own research and found the original documents from the experiment done by the scientist, Rebekah Turner in 1999 http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1999-03223-001 . Where Mark is getting his information from is from a paper written in 2001 by Dr. Keroack, who misinterpreted Turner's findings. This article she sent me from 2006 explains what seems to have happened, http://legacy.signonsandiego.com/news/politics/20061204-9999-1m4letter.html . Apparently there is no proven connection between levels of oxytocin and how many partners you've had. I don't know if this is comforting or not! Haha! Ok so I don't have brain damage, I'm just heartless? Ok I feel better! lol , but in a sense, it does make me feel better because there is something I can do about that.I control my love, I control how I treat you. No matter what you do to me, I always have a choice on how I can respond. But I have so many defenses up, in so many areas of my life, from previously being hurt.

A lot of issues resulting from a relationship with an ex have been coming up the past two weeks. For those that have known me for quite some time, you probably know who I am talking about. It kind of came to a spearhead when I was thinking about sex the other night, ( as you can probably tell by my blog posts, I think about it a lot lol) My husband and I had just had an amazing time and I was reflecting. Even though things between me and him are getting better and better daily, I'm still scared to get close to him, I'm still scared to be intimate with him, I'm still scared to tell him what I want, I still get paralyzed with fear every time he gets "that look" in his eye and I know he wants some! I have a really hard time talking about my relationship with my ex, it makes me feel physically ill. A lot of our relationship I don't remember. A lot of it I haven't shared with anyone, no one have I shared it with completely. Ryan probably knows the most out of anyone, and when I shared with him what I was going through, the way he responded was one of the reasons I was originally interested in him. When I started opening up to him in math class about the abuse that was going on, he really seemed concerned and like he cared. He asked if I would come over to his house after school. I did, because any man giving me attention I'd fling myself at, but Ryan responded differently then every other guy ever had, and ever did afterwards, he didn't touch me, he sat at the other end of the room and listened, gave some good advice, and offered his support. Ryan and I went our separate ways after we graduated high school, until a little over a year later we reconnected and started dating, but I still, to this day, do not forget how he made me feel that afternoon, this non-christian, partying, drug addict treated me better then any of my christian guy friends ever had, he did not make a single advance. ( Talking about Ryan on the other hand makes me so happy!)

Anyways so I was lying in bed mulling over how terrified I get with sex and a couple of incidents from my previous serious relationship flashed in my mind. I had given this guy my virginity, it was nothing special, and I hadn't expected it to be, I was simply curious about what sex was, "what is everyone talking about?!" I remember thinking, "is that it?" lol ...as I am sure many girls have their first time. I don't remember if I was 15 or 16, most of it is all a blur, but I remember losing my virginity, and I remember one time we were having sex (I feel like I am going to vomit) and I was talking to him, not about cheeseburgers, but trying to engage him, I don't think I need to be more descriptive then that, and he got really angry at me, and started yelling at me and telling me to shut up, that I was getting him out of the zone, WHILE HE WAS STILL INSIDE OF ME. I don't remember how I felt at that moment, but I can't imagine it being very good. Thinking about this is very painful, sharing about it even more cause I need to process it all. He'd slap me or punch walls if we got into a disagreement. I remember him driving out into the middle of no where in a field and pinning me to the back window of the car screaming in my ear as loud as he could taunts and threats. I tried leaving him a couple of times, If I was ending it over the phone, he would show up at my house, or at my work and threaten me or my family. If I tried to leave him when I was with him, he'd get physical with me, either pushing me to the ground making sure I couldn't get up or locking me in a room. After we broke up, he told me if he could kill me, how he would do it. And continued to threaten me that he would hurt my family, particularly my dad. I really don't remember a lot of other things from our relationship, except for him lying to me all the time, and one weekend we went to Fundy and had a blast, that Canada day weekend is probably the only good memory I have with him, and I don't even remember what we did, I just remember being happy.

This mess, this guy was my life, I threw my everything into it. My parents did not approve of the relationship, so me being my independent self, demonstrating I can do what I want, and no one can make me do anything, pulled away from my family, my mom and dad, brothers and sister, and invested deeper into this relationship. I Think one of my biggest regrets, is missing out on those 4 years of my brother and sister really transitioning into adults, I just wasn't around at all. Once I was no longer a virgin, I knew I had screwed up bad and God was probably mad at me, so I pulled away from him, the church, and all my christian friends , and invested all that energy into the relationship. My ex was really jealous and controlling, so anyone else that tried to get close to me or be my friend, he shut down pretty quick, especially if they were guys. So he became my family, my friends, my church and my god, my life perspective, my everything, my identity and I was nothing. I had no needs, no wants, it was all about him. I think that might be one of the reasons why woman go back again and again to abusive relationships, they really feel like they are nothing without him. The physical abuse, yah that sucked, but I was a tough kid, I'd hit him back, but the emotional abuse and the mind games, absolutely destroyed me. He was malicious in crushing my spirit. And it worked, cause I let him, like I said earlier, I always have a choice in how I respond to how you treat me, and I accepted it from him.

Seeing now how he was my everything and I lived for him, and he used intimidation, manipulation and fear to control and belittle me I am starting to understand why I have a hard time making my needs and my wants expressed, in any area of my life. I am waiting for the backlash when I assert myself, and state that I am important too.

Conversations with Ryan #4

So this isn't really a conversation ...because only two sentences were exchanged.

I was lying in bed about the middle of the night ...asleep... My husband wakes up, climbs on top of me and LICKS MY FACE! WHO DOES THAT?! Then he continues to TRY and SEDUCE me! I groggily wipe my face and say "Ryan get off me!" he rolls off and starts to fall back asleep... but first he mumbles, "You make me feel really special..." I giggle and start to fall back asleep but say first "Because you are special.." and we go back to sleep.

THE NEXT MORNING ... Ryan has no recollection whatsoever.

the weight of bad decisions

My husband and I were watching "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" seminars by Mark Gungor, and the episode we were watching tonight was "The #1 Key to Incredible Sex." ..we didn't finish it, we usually only watch about half of the seminars at a time because we are so worn out by the time we get to them and go to bed 30 minutes into them. But what we had seen tonight was intense, for me. Ryan stopped the dvd about half way through and started to initiate discussion about what we had just watched. I was cold and distant not giving him much, which he noticed right away. He asked why I was mad at him, twice actually, both times I replied, I'm not mad at YOU.I was mad, but at myself, not him. He could recognize I was going into coping mode, putting up my walls, pushing him away and festering. He told me to come here so I went and lied on the couch in his arms and felt his heart beating away in his chest, I don't know if it's a women thing, or just a me thing, but I've always loved listening to Ryan's heartbeat. Tears welled up in my eyes and I told Ryan "I fucked up, really badly." Ryan asked if I could be more specific, "Are you talking about your past?" I nodded my head yes. "Oh baby he said we've all made bad decisions..." he replied. " I know, but I've made 10 or so REALLY bad decisions." Ryan laughed a little "I've made way more then 10 bad decisions ." "But do they haunt you every day?" I asked, "no...not everyday" he said quietly and kissed me on head.

My son, again was the first one that really brought this issue out in me. I feel like I am having a hard time bonding with him. My husband thinks I'm being silly, he says he can tell by the way I look at Nehemiah the love I have for him and feel for him. And I do love my son...I just feel like he's not mine. And maybe that's normal, but I'm uncomfortable with it. Mark Gungor was sharing in the seminar we were watching tonight about how women release the chemical oxytocin when they have sex, it is also released shortly after labor, and during breast feeding, it is commonly referred to as the love hormone, as it bonds the woman to whoever is causing the chemical imprint. However, the more sexual partners a woman has the less and less oxytocin she releases with each one. As he explained this I felt sick to my stomach, paralyzed with fear, and silently begged God for mercy.

I lied in Ryan's arms, confessing my new revelation of the weight of the decisions I had made. This struggle I feel attaching to my son and my husband...this may never go away. Tears streamed down my face as I apologized again to my husband for being so stupid, "What if I've ruined our lives, what if I never get better, what if I never attach to you or bond with any of our children the way I am suppose to? How is that going to affect them? What If I've done something I can't fix? What is the extent of the permanent damage I've done?" My husband calmly replies " My God is bigger." As my mind races with fear.

I'm lying in panic mode as I realize, no new age "positive thinking", no christian "inner healing" or "prayer ministry" can fix this ...I need a supernatural touch from Jesus. I need healing, physical healing in my body's chemical makeup,possibly not even healing, possibly brand new chemicals. But would Jesus do that? Will he rescue me from this or am I going to have to live out the consequences of my sin? Is this what I get, and it's too bad, he'll forgive me and forget it ever happened, but I'm gonna have to deal with this mess by myself? My husband is speaking quietly into my ear, soothing, loving words. Some I understand and get, others I don't, as I try to figure out what's going on inside of me. It's like this ball of my emotions, and my heart, and my pain, and my confusion, and my hope, and my soul, and my spirit all tangled inside of me like a ball of yarn, bouncing off my ribcage trying to get out. Then I hear Ryan say "You are my pure bride, and I will defend your honor until the day I die..." and he continues on but BAM it was like an arrow went right into my chest and went into that messy ball of me and said "there, there is your heart," and pinned it inside my chest for me. No more bouncing , just peace and a heart covered in mess. But I knew where my heart was. I felt all I had to offer my husband was shame and the broken pieces, I lied in his arm and thought, "OMG, I am SO broken ...I'm so scared...I don't know if this can be fixed" but even though all I had was shame, Ryan told my spirit, I am defending the best in you not the worst.

I'm still scared, fear feels like my constant companionship. It's one of the only emotions I can really pin point that I am feeling.

But "Love casts out all fear..."

So God..please love me.

Unlovable ...

So I was lying in bed a few nights ago with insomnia, which has been haunting me for the past few weeks, and I started thinking about marriage and family. My husband slept soundly next to me as I processed what our relationship had turned into. I lied there and tried to wrap my mind around the fact that this 23 year old man wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then I thought about it again...this man WANTS to spend the rest of his life with me. I didn't force him, I didn't manipulate him, nobody else told him to do it, he did it cause well... he liked me. "Hmm...wow I thought...he must really like me a lot, maybe he even loves me?!" This is probably the first time I acknowledged to myself that he might love me. It dawned on me, I never really believed deep down inside that he loved me, and I never realized I didn't. "Could he possibly love ME? What is there to love that much? Why? What is his motivation? What does he really want?" Doubt of his true love for me flooded my mind.

My son Nehemiah really was the one that brought this to the surface first. People see him smiling at me, and he'll cry if someone else holds him, but he'll stop when I do. Because of this many people have said to me "Awww he loves his mommy so much!" I would smile politely and not usually say anything. But one night I was brushing my teeth and trying to justify why Nehemiah would behave the way he does with me besides that he loves me. I was looking for other reasons why he would cuddle into my chest and calm down when he would be screaming with everyone else. I just couldn't accept that he loved me and WANTED to be with me."Hmmm...this could be a little bit of an issue," I thought to myself.

Last night Ryan and I got into a huge fight. Ryan has been through a lot of pain because of me working through my issues from the first day of our relationship, and last night was another painful night for him,as I blamed him not only for the ways he's wronged me but for the ways others have wronged me as well. We sat there on the bed, me trying to pack my bags, Ryan exasperated, practically screaming he loved me more than anything in the world. He kept repeating; "I love you, I'll do anything for you, I'll change, I'll grow , we'll change, we'll grow." I finally flat out told him, " I don't believe you." Heartbroken he asked me why, "I don't know, but it's not your fault" I said.We sat for a few moments in silence, realizing we discovered the real problem but not knowing how to fix it. My hubby did what he thought was best, and pinned me down with kisses and started listing off the different things he loved about me. I started to relax in his arms and he told me a story.:

A man had been given an incredible gift; however, after he received the gift, he started avoiding the giver, it got so bad that he went into the bathroom at their church, saw the giver there and turned around and left. He realized this was unhealthy so he asked God what was going on. God told him, you don't love yourself. This man gave you a great gift, but you are scared if he gets to know you, he's going to see the real you and regret that he gave it.Regardless of whether or not I could accept my husbands love he continued to give it to me.

So right now I'm scared. Since I was at least 16-17 I've had a hard time loving people, and until recently it's only gotten harder not easier. I hated being around people with issues, church was unbearable, when I saw people all I could see was their problems. I kept my mouth shut and didn't trash talk anyone, but I also kept my heart shut. No way was I letting people like THAT into my life. I had to protect myself from their weakness. I only realized until today, I don't want to see people's issues, because I don't want them to see mine. I don't want to forgive people, because that means they'll have to forgive me. I don't want to love people and you be open with me because you'll love me back and I'll be open with you, and you'll see the real me, and you won't like it. It's hard, it's painful this revelation of my loneliness and isolation. I don't believe I'm wanted, so I don't try and make small talk or friends, I don't want the confirmation of my crippling belief. If I portray to you I don't want you and I don't need you, then you can't tell me I'm not wanted. That's my own secret. No one but me knows me, no one but me knows I'm not wanted. Tears stream down my face as I type this. My heart is heavy. ...my mind goes to my husband again ...why did he marry me? lol ... I'm more screwed up then I thought.

But for the first time in a long time, I have hope. And I am fighting to keep it. I want to be whole. I don't want to be afraid of rejection and I don't want to hate myself. I want to know love, and to love. My prayer is that God will show me he wants me, a small piece of me hopes he will, an even smaller piece, scared to admit it's even there, knows he will. But all my broken pieces pray that this revelation will become truth to me and consume every piece of me that believes I'm unlovable.

Conversations with Ryan #3

Ryan and I are driving home and he is eating an ice cream cone. He gets down to the crunchy cone and I sigh very annoyed and angrily.
"What?!?" He says innocently.
"You're chewing like a cow!!" I bark back.
Ryan closes his mouth and starts chewing quietly. A few seconds later let's out a little "Mooooo!" and then continues chewing with his mouth closed.
...He makes it so hard for me to stay mad at him.

Conversations with Ryan #2

So I'm sitting in bed last night reading The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman (I'll share on it later) I'm focusing really intently on the first love language "Words of Affirmation" trying to figure out if it's Ryan's love language. Ryan comes in, starts rearranging the bed, bumping my pillow, making noise trying to get his laptop set up and then turns on a DVD and starts asking me questions while it's playing ...
I instantly get enraged (I'm still working on the temper thing) and snap at him "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO LOVE YOU!?!?"
Ryan, "ok...so you want to keep reading?"

Brainwashed on how to love.

Since I have gotten married I have chosen to really immerse myself in Christian literature and teachings on relationships, marriage, men and sex. I've chosen to focus on continually filling my mind with positive material on marriage and all the dynamics involved. Why? Because we are constantly and continually bombarded by negative information on marriage by the media, by society, by friends and family who have broken families or dysfunctional relationships. I mean the bar and the standard for relationships or marriage is set SO low in North America. We are brainwashed into thinking that when you get married it is to the person you fall madly in love with and will make you happy for the rest of your life. And if they stop making you happy or you stop feeling like you are madly in love with them, you walk away and try someone else. Both of these ideas are destroying lives all over and it is heartbreaking.

Chic flicks, comedies and TV dramas are setting couples up to have negative expectations from their mates. Hollywood often presents husbands as lazy, careless, heartless sex maniacs, that are constantly lusting over anything that has two legs and an ass,that they never listen or pay attention, sports, friends and beer trump family and wife, and they could be just as well off without their wives. In their roles as fathers, they are losers, distant from their children, control freaks, out of touch with what is going on, they don't show affection or love and they don't have respect or admiration from their children.
Woman as wives are nagging, not interested in sex, controlling, needy, desperate, they always seem to be shopping, second fiddle to what the husband is doing, resentful, bitter... I mean the list goes on, name a character flaw or a relationship issue and I'm sure you've seen glamorized on the sliver screen by a good looking couple with lot's of money. AND the affairs, and the cheating and the unfaithfulness, I mean, I don't know the last movie I saw that wasn't PG that someone wasn't sneaking around with someone else. I know that some of these issues are real, and they are damaging real couples but why do we meditate on it? Why do we pollute our brains with dysfunctional peoples relationships.
What does watching men cheat on their wives and watching woman try and mother their husbands do to your perspective of marriage,or your perspective of men and women?

The family unit today is so broken. A lot of us don't know how to love. A lot of us don't know how to be in a relationship. A lot of us don't know how to make a marriage work. A lot of us don't know how to raise a child in the way he should go. A lot of us have never seen it demonstrated properly, I would venture as far to say none of us has seen any of these things done right. Nobody we know is perfect, so how can they demonstrate to us what the perfect marriage is, or the best way to parent. So why do we look to broken, hurt imperfect people to dictate how to love. You may think to yourself, I don't do that, I just enjoy reading the tabloids or watching tv for fun. I want you to get a piece of paper and a pen, be really honest with yourself, and write at the top 'Men are..." or "women are..." Or "Marriage is...". Fill in the blanks, let it come for your heart, and you may recognize some ideas that aren't yours. You may also see some ideas that are very much yours, they are your hurts and are painful realities of your marriage and your life. However, they doesn't have to be.

I choose to reeducate myself on the ways of love and setting a higher standard. That I don't get married because I have fallen madly in love and have found someone that will always make me happy, no, I get married because I choose to love and I have found someone I always want to make happy. I want the people in my life that I love to know, I would take a bullet for you, and I know you would take a bullet for me. I will die to protect this relationship, I will die to my pride when I am wrong, I will die to my fear when you've wronged me. I will choose to continue to love you, regardless of who screws up. I will choose to forgive and not punish. I will choose to request and not demand. I choose freedom not control. I choose to confront and not resent. I choose to live my life to be a blessing to you. When you succeed, I succeed. I choose trust and not suspicion. I choose to encourage and not nag. I choose to love and not to hide.

Can you imagine the world if we chose to love our spouse this way and our children. What type of people would we become? I challenge you to review what is influencing your love. I am a strong believer in controlling your medias and also that people are a product of their environment, but not at the mercy of it. What is the atmosphere you are creating in your home. What lenses are you viewing your spouse through? What areas in your life do you need to forgive and ask God for forgiveness?

Baby steps are ok. I feel like I take one step forward, two steps back. Some ideas are rooted deep, and they are painful, but look for truth to give you perspective not to other people who have the same hurts. I ask God for grace for you and for me, as we learn how to love on a higher standard. The way He loves us.

Conversations with Ryan #1

I think my husband is adorable and says the funniest things. I really enjoy him and I always want to share what he does that makes me laugh. So I am going to start a mini series through out my blog, when my hubby and I have a convo that strikes me as funny, I'll do an insert and title it conversations with Ryan. This will be my first one! Hope you enjoy him as much as I do :)

Last week I was quite sick with a viruses in my sinuses, which was quite painful in the face with all the congestion. So I was lying on the couch in Ryan's arms wheezing and whimpering in pain.

Ryan looks down at me lovingly, "Oh baby, I hate seeing you like this, I wish I could take away all your pain..."

Me,"Awwww!! That's one of the sweetest things you've ever said to me!!"

Then he looks at Nehemiah in my arms and then quickly clarifies,"Except childbirth...I'll ummm...I'll leave that to you!"

I'm glad we fought last night...

The role the subconscious plays in our relationships and how we relate to people is incredible. This has been a really tense week for Ryan and I. We are both being pushed to our limits with the challenges of a new family; not sleeping enough, not enough down time, not enough time-period, not being able to stay on top of keeping the house clean, both of us working Ryan working full time and me part time,things now tighter financial that I am not working full time anymore and we have doubled in expenses since this time last year, ,and all the other commitments and life things that come up ( I still haven't gotten the nursery set up!!)So we are being stretched..as new families usually are, but this week I've been extra aggravated. And sometimes a fight is what brings to light what is really going on.

A couple that is close to Ryan and I are going through a divorce, and it seems new information keeps coming to light every week that is making things nastier and nastier. It's scarey being a newly married couple and as your marriage and life together is starting, you are witnessing first hand someone else's marriage and life together end. You can't help but question why? Why did it get this bad? Where did it go wrong? What were the small issues that were never talked about that got enormous and then unbearable?Then the magnifying glasses moves to your marriage, whether you realize it or not your start examining your relationship or your spouse for issues.
And of course you will find them, and then like a private eye you look for those issues rearing their ugly heads in every interaction you have and you WILL find them there, whether they really are there or not.

Last night Ryan and I got to a breaking point. One of those breaking points were you have violent urges to knock in your spouse's teeth. I finally came clean on what had really been bothering me all week, I FELT like my husband was selfish, that he was more concerned about meeting his needs first and that I was not a priority to him.My husband, of course took huge offense to this, and took it as a personal attack. He asked for examples of how he put himself first. I gave him three examples from yesterday.
#1) He woke me up at 6:30 in the morning to shave his neck for him. My husband did not understand how this was a selfish act. I sweetly explained to him that I am exhausted, I am usually woken up a couple of times with the baby in the night, therefor not getting good sleep. I can't nap when the baby naps, I've never been a napper, and when I've been with the baby since 4:30 in the morning and I just get back to sleep, and you wake me up to shave your neck,it makes me feel like you think your personal grooming is more important then my mental and physical health.
#2) We were driving out to Sackville to go visit with my brother and sister-in-law I take my seat belt off and lean around to the back seat to put the soother back in the baby's mouth, Ryan gets mad and tells me to sit down and put my belt back on before we get a ticket. My husband didn't understand this one either. I explained to him my issues with this behavior. I understand that I should wear my seat belt because it is the law put in place to protect me, what hurts is that he sees me doing something dangerous and he thinks about what it is going to cost him (the ticket) instead of what it could cost me( my life). With him citing the ticket as the reason for me to buckle up instead of my safety, I feel like he is more concerned with his pocketbook then my life.
#3) We are picking up supper at McDonald's Drive thru (I love their southwest salads) and I ask him to ask for a glass of water for me ( I am against bottled water when safe tap water is available) He refuses because he is too embarrassed to ask for something for free. I explain that this upsets me and I feel like it is an act of selfishness. I am sick and breastfeeding and am dehydrated and have a painful dry throat. However, he puts his pride over my comfort and health.
Now you are probably thinking, wow, she is a totally lunatic getting so mad over all those little things OR, wow, her husband is a total jerk. But wait...neither is true...phew!

As I was pouring my heart out to my husband about how these small trivial mistakes were angering me to the point I didn't want to be around him, I actually accidental end my rant with a confession. I am scared.I was shocked, but it was the truth, I was scared to lose my husband in 30 years. These small incidents where it FELT like my husband didn't put me first,represented, to me, the ability to put himself first in 30 years and walk away when he wanted to. I was terrified, and it had totally been consuming me all week without me evening realizing it. Every time my husband did something that didn't scream " I LOVE MY WIFE" I planted a seed of fear and of doubt in him. Telling myself," he's not gonna protect you, he's not going to be there for you, you're going to end up alone; exhausted, used and helpless." Which, for the record, does not have an ounce of truth in it. My husband our entire relationship has grown leaps and bounds, and continues daily become a more selfless person.

Once we realized what we were really fighting about, the fight was over. I realized that I was taking small imperfections, that need to be worked on, and making them, huge life altering problems.

You can't always control what comes up in your life, and you can't control your subconscious. But you can control your media (exposing yourself to dysfunctional relationships on tv and in movies can have the same affect on your subconscious) and you can control your actions, your emotions and your thoughts. So if things are getting a little tense at home, ask yourself, what are the real issues here? Am I upset because my husband woke me up when I was exhausted? Yes, but Why am I fuming about it?

Ryan and I were able to acknowledge some messy issues and the tension between us has lifted. We are both gonna work on the little things to make sure things don't get out of hand and make sure to have EXTRA grace with each other. But again it comes down to communication, but in order for communication to really work, you first need to know what you really want to communicate.

The thing about motherhood...

I love my little dumpling with all my heart, he's amazing...but I must say the hours for this whole mother job thing, is for the birds. This is not a 40 hour a week job. No sir. No lunch breaks, no 15's, no weekends off, no paid over time...no pay at all actually, no pd days, no vacation days, no sick days (I've been sick the past three days, I don't even think he noticed.) I think if I could have a weekend off, I'd come back feeling much more myself. But I can't exactly leave him home alone with the leftovers from last nights supper...yet.

I don't really think you can completely understand exactly what your parents have done for you until you are a parent yourself.Two weeks ago, my mother was taking my sister to California and was gone for the week, my little sister never came back, my husband was working over time and our friend Christine moved out and on to Tennessee, it was the first time I felt truly alone with the baby... and it was scarey. There were a lot of tears and messes, and sometimes Nehemiah would even cry a little too. I sat rocking him in the rocking chair, tears streaming down my face as I tried to pray him to sleep. All I could think of was God Bless my mother, what an incredible woman. Being a mother is THE MOST SACRIFICIAL thing you can be. You lose your time, you lose your life, you lose your body (you eventually can get back in shape but I know I'm stuck with some of these stretch marks), you lay everything down to keep this little being alive and happy, nothing touches all aspects of your life like a child does.

I was getting my hair done with my mother on Saturday, and the stylist commented on how she was back to work after taking quite some time off. I asked her if she missed her kids now that she wasn't a stay at home mom anymore. She responded it was good being back to work. It feels good to know there's more to her then being a mom.A wave a relief washed over me, I've been battling this for the past few weeks. Trying to find the right balance, what I am happy with doing, and what I should be doing regardless of whether I am happy or not. Can I truly find all the fulfillment I need from just being a wife and a mother? Am I even suppose to? Ryan and I have wanted to home school our kids while they are elementary school age.I feel like there is more to invest in them as parents at that age and we should not leave it to the world to do it for us. But here's the rub, I want to go back to university and Ryan wants to go to college, and I would like to use the profession I am planning on studying to make the world a better place. But can I study for the next 7-8 years AND invest in my kids the way I want to? Do I completely put my life on hold for the next 18 years or until the kids are old enough to take care of themselves? Can we even afford for me to do that? Do I want to be going to school at 40, is there even a point then? You can tell I'm trying to work out the "bad mommy" issue. I keep hearing the little voice, "what a bad mommy you are,wanting to abandon your kids and pursue your own dreams." But that's not the truth, and I know that.I think I know what I really want. I want to bring my kids on the adventure of me pursuing my dreams, not leave them at home to raise themselves. I also want to teach them to pursue their own. I think that is one of the biggest things for me as a parent to try and convey to my children, DREAM BIG AND GO DO IT. Imagining Nehemiah doing what he loves and loving his life seems like the mark of a successful parent to me.I think leading by example is a very powerful teaching tool.

This is all a new crazy juggling act but, would I give him up to get my old life back? No, never. It's a breathtaking thing to feel love from your own child. It stops you in your tracks when he smiles at you. I remember the first time he was crying while someone was holding him and they handed him to me and he calmed right down. My husband commented later how he loves his mommy. I'll never forget that rush of excitement when it dawned on me, "Really?! Do you think he actually knows who I am?! And actually LOVES me?!" It's the coolest thing ever, even with the crap shifts.

Sex...to wait or not to wait? That is the question.

I love sex. Pretty much always have,I love the electric charge through your whole body when your going in for the kill, and all the fun through to the end. Therefor, logically, you would think that sex would be easier once you get married not harder...and maybe for some people it is, but that has not been my experience so far.

I've made a number of bad decisions in my past, a lot regarding relationships and men and that has brought a lot of baggage into my life. Which, besides a bitter heart and a black soul, I was functioning fine with; however, once I got married these issues got huge, magnified times a hundred, especially in the bedroom. I asked my husband as we were lying in bed after a blissful morning (he's got the day off work and the baby has been sleeping all morning...what else are we gonna do?) Why was it easier to having meaningless sex with men that meant nothing to me, then have meaningful sex with a man who means everything to me? "I don't know" my husband responds sleepily . And neither do I, but I have a couple of ideas why it might be a little harder for me to relax now.

I think one of the worst feelings in the world, is lying in your loving husband's arms after great sex (as he starts to dose off,) and feeling like a whore, because you are remembering the other guys you've experienced this with. It TOTALLY ruins the moment. Guilt and shame and disgust rush in overwhelmingly instead of love, peace and just pure bliss. Now I'm lying there, trying to come to terms with how deeply I am in love with this man and want to give him everything, but I've already given so much away.I start to get angry at myself tears coming down my face,Ryan continues to snores away. I poke him to wake him up, and I tell him I am sorry for my past decisions, I can't even be specific it's too painful. But he knows, He kisses me sleepily on the head and tells me he loves me, he's forgiven me a long time ago and he's chosen to forget about it all, and so has God. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation, it comes up quite often. Usually when I feel close to him or really loved,the guilt comes in.

I heard growing up, in books, sermons, videos, pastors, whatever, all say to wait till you get married to have sex. And they would go on to explain why it's so important, you don't want to give little pieces of your heart away and only have a broken dirty used heart to give to your spouse. But why did I never listen?! That has been so major on my heart since Ryan and I have had to fight through this battle for me. How do you communicate to unmarried people and couples something they can't comprehend. Like I said, up until I was married, although I had had a few broken hearts and bumps and bruises, I thought that I was fine.My one night stands or friendly hook ups weren't that bad at all. I wasn't a broken woman, I wasn't just throwing myself at men. I had everything under control. But it's one game to sleep with someone that you don't see all the time or you'll only see for so long, it's another thing to sleep with someone you see all the time, and you are going to continue sleeping with and seeing for the rest of your life. Brings some weight into it. And maybe that's one of the reasons why we young people don't listen.

We see in TV,movies, advertising, music and sometimes friends sex being so casual and not a big deal. However, good sex is a HUGE deal in a healthy marriage, but most of us never get that part. It's almost like all along you've been wearing these beautiful earrings. You love them and you wear them all the time. Then one day, upon closer inspection, someone informs you, those are real diamonds and they are worth a fortune, you should really be careful. Your dumbfounded, you had no idea you've been carrying millions of dollars around with you everywhere. You still love the earrings, but you also want to protect them now that you know how valuable they are. But it's too late you realize while you've been partying and carrying on...some of the gems have fallen out and you are in no financial position to purchase new diamonds to restore them to their former glory.

How can you know how good something tastes, if you've never eaten it before? How do you go on someones word that "That pie is the best most delicious pie in the world, all pies pale in comparison!" Without having a bite? I hope I figure out how to answer this in time for when my kids are curios. I mean it's more like telling your kids that this is the best pie in the world it tastes so good you can hardly stand it, when they don't even know what pie is. I pray that by sharing my experiences other girls won't make the same mistakes I have. A lot of people say "I've made lot's of mistakes in my past, but I wouldn't change a thing." I would, I would change a lot of nights. I feel like it's not enough to simply say, trust me, you'll appreciate it later, there are too many pressures, too many temptations, too many lonely people to justify decisions making on something so untangible and unexplainable.I pray God gives me the wisdom and the relationship with my kids to be able to communicate properly the weight behind the seemingly small decisions they can make at such a young inexperienced age.

I guess I'll end this post in honoring my husband. Although he was not a virgin when we got married, he only slept with one other girl, and not because that was his only opportunity, but because he wanted to wait until he was married.I know men aren't as emotional about sex as woman are, so they don't always get scarred the way woman do. But I appreciate his constant grace and patience and love with me, as I have to heal my wounds before I can love him fully like I am suppose to. I appreciate the restoration he continues to bring into my life and how damn good he is in bed. ;)

The Logic

So I have decided to create a new blog. Not that my other one was very successful, I would only update it every 3-4 months, but I had to force myself often to come up with content to write about, it didn't flow naturally. However, I am in a new season in my life (new wife and mother), and I need to vent, and write things out to sort them.

Being a wife is amazing, but it isn't easy-especially being married young. My husband and I have known each other for years and have always been good friends and I love him very much, I love having him in my life and I love his company...but what I don't always love is living with him. Sometimes, I would love to be married, but be neighbors-that have lot's of dinner parties and sleepovers. I find this man's socks EVERYWHERE!!! It is actually mind-blowing. Every morning he says to me "Sweetheart do you know where my socks are?" And I reply in my sleep "Check the clean laundry basket..." because I do not have it in me at 5am to say "Check the dresser, or check the floor, check under the bed, check the hamper, check the closet, check the living room, check under the couch, check in the couch, check in the dining room, check ON the dining room table, check in the hallway, check in the entry room, check in the kitchen, check in the baby's room, check in the laundry room,check the car...HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU NOT FIND SOCKS WHEN IT'S ALL I SEEM TO FIND EVERYWHERE?!!?!?"...this is one of our marital problems...Ryan just doesn't know it yet. Which leads to the bigger issue really...communication...

Better communication always seems to be the answer to relationship problems, but still most couples, including myself, aren't making it a priority to communicate how they really feel. Whether it is negative or positive, and in today's society where marriage is constantly being attacked by the media I think the Positive communication is desperately needed! But woman, especially, tend to hold back the negative, FOR WHATEVER REASON, I don't know if we don't want to portray the "mother figure" or be the nagging wife, but a lot of woman let men do things that bug them all the time and not say a thing...right away. Then it flips, all the pent up frustration and resentment explodes, all hell breaks loose, and all you can say is negative things and nit pick your husband apart. I was in the shower the other day upset with Ryan over something, I don't even remember what it was, and as I was standing there fuming over it and not talking to him about it, I started this chain of negative thoughts toward him, the thing I was frustrated about at the moment, reminded me of something else he had done that bugged me, which reminded me of something else, and so on and so on, I was getting SO worked up, then I caught myself..."I'm planning my husbands murder and he doesn't even know why he's been sentenced to death!" ..not healthy relationship habits.

So my focus for the next 40 days is to daily communicate how I am feeling(won't he enjoy this lol... He'll probably stop me before the end of the first week and say "Ya know what, just keep it pent up inside, and let all hell break loose once in a while, I think that's easier") both the frustrations, and the things he does that I appreciate...because he is getting much better and does a wonderful job with laundry, taking out the trash, and changing dirty diapers-none of which are glamorous jobs. He is not perfect and neither am I but I love my husband even with his memory lapsing schizophrenia relationship with his socks.