Sex...to wait or not to wait? That is the question.

I love sex. Pretty much always have,I love the electric charge through your whole body when your going in for the kill, and all the fun through to the end. Therefor, logically, you would think that sex would be easier once you get married not harder...and maybe for some people it is, but that has not been my experience so far.

I've made a number of bad decisions in my past, a lot regarding relationships and men and that has brought a lot of baggage into my life. Which, besides a bitter heart and a black soul, I was functioning fine with; however, once I got married these issues got huge, magnified times a hundred, especially in the bedroom. I asked my husband as we were lying in bed after a blissful morning (he's got the day off work and the baby has been sleeping all morning...what else are we gonna do?) Why was it easier to having meaningless sex with men that meant nothing to me, then have meaningful sex with a man who means everything to me? "I don't know" my husband responds sleepily . And neither do I, but I have a couple of ideas why it might be a little harder for me to relax now.

I think one of the worst feelings in the world, is lying in your loving husband's arms after great sex (as he starts to dose off,) and feeling like a whore, because you are remembering the other guys you've experienced this with. It TOTALLY ruins the moment. Guilt and shame and disgust rush in overwhelmingly instead of love, peace and just pure bliss. Now I'm lying there, trying to come to terms with how deeply I am in love with this man and want to give him everything, but I've already given so much away.I start to get angry at myself tears coming down my face,Ryan continues to snores away. I poke him to wake him up, and I tell him I am sorry for my past decisions, I can't even be specific it's too painful. But he knows, He kisses me sleepily on the head and tells me he loves me, he's forgiven me a long time ago and he's chosen to forget about it all, and so has God. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation, it comes up quite often. Usually when I feel close to him or really loved,the guilt comes in.

I heard growing up, in books, sermons, videos, pastors, whatever, all say to wait till you get married to have sex. And they would go on to explain why it's so important, you don't want to give little pieces of your heart away and only have a broken dirty used heart to give to your spouse. But why did I never listen?! That has been so major on my heart since Ryan and I have had to fight through this battle for me. How do you communicate to unmarried people and couples something they can't comprehend. Like I said, up until I was married, although I had had a few broken hearts and bumps and bruises, I thought that I was fine.My one night stands or friendly hook ups weren't that bad at all. I wasn't a broken woman, I wasn't just throwing myself at men. I had everything under control. But it's one game to sleep with someone that you don't see all the time or you'll only see for so long, it's another thing to sleep with someone you see all the time, and you are going to continue sleeping with and seeing for the rest of your life. Brings some weight into it. And maybe that's one of the reasons why we young people don't listen.

We see in TV,movies, advertising, music and sometimes friends sex being so casual and not a big deal. However, good sex is a HUGE deal in a healthy marriage, but most of us never get that part. It's almost like all along you've been wearing these beautiful earrings. You love them and you wear them all the time. Then one day, upon closer inspection, someone informs you, those are real diamonds and they are worth a fortune, you should really be careful. Your dumbfounded, you had no idea you've been carrying millions of dollars around with you everywhere. You still love the earrings, but you also want to protect them now that you know how valuable they are. But it's too late you realize while you've been partying and carrying on...some of the gems have fallen out and you are in no financial position to purchase new diamonds to restore them to their former glory.

How can you know how good something tastes, if you've never eaten it before? How do you go on someones word that "That pie is the best most delicious pie in the world, all pies pale in comparison!" Without having a bite? I hope I figure out how to answer this in time for when my kids are curios. I mean it's more like telling your kids that this is the best pie in the world it tastes so good you can hardly stand it, when they don't even know what pie is. I pray that by sharing my experiences other girls won't make the same mistakes I have. A lot of people say "I've made lot's of mistakes in my past, but I wouldn't change a thing." I would, I would change a lot of nights. I feel like it's not enough to simply say, trust me, you'll appreciate it later, there are too many pressures, too many temptations, too many lonely people to justify decisions making on something so untangible and unexplainable.I pray God gives me the wisdom and the relationship with my kids to be able to communicate properly the weight behind the seemingly small decisions they can make at such a young inexperienced age.

I guess I'll end this post in honoring my husband. Although he was not a virgin when we got married, he only slept with one other girl, and not because that was his only opportunity, but because he wanted to wait until he was married.I know men aren't as emotional about sex as woman are, so they don't always get scarred the way woman do. But I appreciate his constant grace and patience and love with me, as I have to heal my wounds before I can love him fully like I am suppose to. I appreciate the restoration he continues to bring into my life and how damn good he is in bed. ;)