Why I apologize to my kids

         

Sometimes ... I have mental breakdowns. And those friends and family that are closest to us know the hell our little family has been going through the past 6 months, things are just starting to look brighter, stabilize and hopeful - but sometimes , I still snap. My husband and I are utterly exhausted due to his new work schedule of night shifts and our youngest son having some serious sleep regression and separation anxiety - we started this new difficult season after coming out of a gruelling experience that was probably the most compounded stressful time period of our marriage ( if not my life.) 

As I started, sometimes I snap, and for a few reasons , this morning was one of them. My husband was grumpy, my toddler was being an A-hole (straight up)  and my 18 month year old was being so possessive and clingy . My husband made a dig at me ( in response I think to a dug at him - let's be real) it was probably like a level 3 offence and I had like a level 17 reaction. I screamed, I cried, I threw a damn carton of eggs ... Who in their right mind does that? And then stormed off to go cry some more - all in front of my two little boys and my husband who was holding on to his compsure by the skin of his teeth. 

After I calmed down, I was SO humiliated. So embarrassed. I didn't even want to see my husband let alone acknowledge my toddler-level tantrum. Of course, once Ryan had calmed down, he came and found me and talked me off the ledge (he's giving me extra grace due to extra hormones!)I of course knew I had to, and did, apologize to him for my outburst and then went and sat down with the kids to restore our standard of relationship.

I know my boys are young, and may not understand everything I say to them - but I'll tell you one thing, I'm often shocked at what they do understand, so I always try to cover my bases. Something with Nehemiah (3 1/2 years) we've really been working on is yelling when he's angry (where oh where could he have gotten that from?) I try really, really hard not to yell at my kids. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room when Nehemiah is just pushing the boundries as far as he can get away with. But something I've been trying in my life, to teach him, is not to yell or respond emotionally. When Nehemiah yells at me, although it easily gets my blood pressure pumping, I try as calmly as possible to say: " Nehemiah, mommy doesn't yell at you, please don't yell at mommy." But the thing is - then you need not to actually yell. It's. Hard, but it is working. 

So this morning I apologized to my boys for 

1. Yelling 

2. Not having self control over my anger 

3. Talking rudely to their father 

4. Throwing things ( I cringe even writing it #facepalm) 

Of course Nehemiah was like, ."..okkkk... I forgive you ... Can I watch my show again ?" But I really feel it is a small way I can show respect for them and hopefully earn their trust that when mommy screws up, she will own it and fix it. Resulting in teaching them to do the same; practice self control by trying not to yell, be mean or get physical when we are angry , when we do mess up - own it and apologize to those we hurt, know that we are loved and will be forgiven and given another chance to grow. The only way I can expect my children to grow in that maturity, is to model it first myself - even when I fail. 

Where's my Knight in Shining Armour?

Lately,  I feel, God has really been challenging me on where/how I get my needs met. After sharing with a friend a few weeks ago, I don't think I'm alone.

You see, I've had this expectation of my husband and have been bitterly disappointed when he has not met it. I have really been trying to identify what it is I'm looking for out of my husband and I think I've got it narrowed down to a pretty good list:

• Has grace and understanding when I screw up
• Is always taking my feelings into account with every action he takes
• Can listen to my attacking, nagging and anger with love and not be defensive
• Never gets angry or is harsh with me 
• Is essentially my emotional punching bag, taking any and all of my immaturity with stride
• unconditional love and responses when I'm hurting and therefore hurting others (mostly like him)

Writing them down  makes it even more real, in two ways.
The first; acknowledging how absolutely selfish and ridiculous these expectations are for me to have of a man.
The second; how real and how desperately I really need unconditional love, acceptance and a safe place to screw up.

The more I thought about my dream husband, the more I realized I was longing for pretty much the exact description of the Christ figure. A man who  literally set aside everything and everyone that was important to him to show his love, to the point of his own death. Many people debate about the sin/ Saviour dynamic, but the bottom line is the scripture that everyone knows: John 3:16 "For God so LOVED the world, that he sent his only son.." His motivation was love, his agenda was love and a reconnection to his people.

Over the years I've really battled with my relationship with God and faith. Flip flopping back and forth between the things I've seen, experienced, and know that support God's existence or contradict it. As I've pressed into my marriage more and more, looking to have the healthiest , whole marriage one can have, God's plans for marriage, sex, family and relationships have always been the most sustaining and life giving. So it's really sent me soul searching again .

Now , as I feel this massive "knight in shining Armour" hole inside of me, that I know , is not my husbands responsibility to fill , although it is what he's suppose to pursue (we both are - unconditional love for each other) I know that I can't wait for my husband to figure it out , and it's not fair to him for me too. He's on his own journey and he is responsible for his heart, thoughts and actions. But I am also in charge of my own, so when I am looking to my husband to respond to me in the way only a perfect being can,  I'm setting us both up to fail .

 We are trying to teach Nehemiah now that it is HIS job to control HIS actions & attitudes, not mommy and daddy. And that his brother and other kids jobs are to have their own self control. I don't know if it's working! lol But, in trying to spell this principal out in three year old terms, it's really convicted me and reminded me again, that I am responsible for my own emotional well-being and thoughts and that my husband (to put it objectively) is just a resource to help with me managing myself , not a crutch, not the source of my happiness or peace, but someone to reference from time to time when I need help when I'm working on me.