I was thinking about how often I had felt dirty growing up for the way men had looked at me, talked to me or just the way they treated me. By the time I entered my early twenties , I wondered if there was a sign on my head that said " I like it when creeps hit on me." It just seemed to be the attention I often garnered and I thought it was my fault - "something must be wrong with ME. Or everything could be wrong with me ... maybe I'm fatally flawed", I'd contemplate. It was my only logical deduction for why I would be sexual objectified by boys and men for as long as I can remember ... there must be something they see in me, or on me, that I don't see that would make them think it's alright to oogle me at 10, or whistle when I'm 12 or tell me they fantasize sleeping with me when I was a teen.
But as I drove home today, older, slightly more mature - but more importantly - much more loving and kinder to myself than I was as a child, teen and early 20 something - I realized , what I think, what they were seeing. They were seeing the innocence and vulnerability of the girl still inside of me but they also saw the woman in the girl. The girl the could manipulate, or bulldoze over , the woman they wanted to use. Being an "old soul" so to speak - I feel that confusing maturation process starting young and often got muddled. There was a pull in both directions.
Over the past few years, into womanhood, I've realized - pieces & fragments, of the girl in me are still in there - moments in time when life and experiences surpassed my maturity level to handle them, and the emotions of embarrassment,guilt, confusion and shame, frozen with me, in me, that scared little girl - is still stuck in that moment. And no, they aren't all because of men, I was unapologetically independent growing up, at times getting ahead of myself, in over my head, or just really not thinking things through all the way. Yes. A lot of embarrassing moments all of my own doing.
But I've slowly been going back and visiting these moments of negative emotions, when prompted by the Holy Spirit, the little and the big moments where I feel part of my personality and person hood - got stuck in that little girl and I've been going back with kindness, seeing myself with kindness, and releasing those emotions and letting them go - no longer carrying them - and letting those parts of me grow, and mature , and to who I was always suppose to be, the whole of me living my life, not fragments,not stunted, not with a limp, and not numb. Alive and at peace, peace in my own skin.
It's become my gospel, when ugliness comes out of my heart, my mouth or in my actions, asking Holy Spirit "Where are the roots of this (shame, anger, fear, bitterness, hatred... etc.)?" "Where in my life did I first feel this way?" "How did I respond to those feelings/ situation?" " How did those that I cared about respond?" ... It can be painful, but it doesn't have to be. Once I've identified the root - usually the first impression I get, I pray, very simply "Jesus, I give you this shame from that moment when I felt like an idiot when I was 10... I don't want to carry it anymore, and you already said you would." It's become my gospel, Jesus, not just "saving" me once, but showing up in every moment in my life saving me over and over again from every poison that's tried to leak in. His kindness, is the only way I can be kind to myself. I wish I could say I read it in a self-help book - I wish there was a human answer for erasing all those dirty markings we get in life - but everything I've tried to use for numbing or scrubbing clean - has fallen short. He has become my only answer to peace and maturation.
That's not to say there hasn't been any human intervention- I have found that usually the things that have hurt me, have been what's required to heal me. Good, safe, honorable men - although it took me a while to trust them - have brought a tremendous amount of healing. My husband is certainly not perfect, but he's loyal, and he has always loved and honored my body and my being. Even when I didn't expect it of him or require it - he has his own standards, he has his own character.He is his own man, and the decisions I made would have very little influence on "the code" he chooses to live by.
I just had to learn two things. One, to let him in; two, to not put him on a pedestal.
When you are uncomfortable with yourself, you are desperate to "feel" ok , to "feel" normal, to feel loved. And if we are uncomfortable with ourselves, or uncomfortable in our own skin, our love tank is empty - you can't give or receive love well if you don't love yourself - so cliche - but in my experience it's been truth. I've realized the hard way, my love tank is insatiable when it comes to people, or things - it feels like I'm trying to build a roaring fire, but just throwing in twigs - they are just consumed and I need to be fed more - I need something deep and unconditional - something I can't demand of any human regardless of the deeply rooted, legitimate need I have. I need that place to be filled by the one who made it , who made it so I would always be connected to Him. When God, as father, is in that place, the foundation and filling of my "love tank". I run best when I'm running full of love - and maybe my tank is designed to run 80% off of God's love and 20% off of my other relationships - if I tried, and expected my husband in all my imperfections - to love me to fill that tank - even to just 90% instead of 10% ... I'd kill us both - he'd never give enough - because he, nor anyone, would ever have the capacity to fill that space in my soul - and I'd always be in lack - feeling fatally flawed, knowing something is missing and stumbling when anyone does or says anything that affirms that feeling.
It's only because of Christ's deep love for me, and his kindness that has held my hand as I've removed heart splinters so that I can have a heart made whole.
I hope that if you don't know His love, kindness and grace, you'll choose to accept it tonight, as the free gift that it is. There is nothing you can do, and there is nothing that can be done to you, that He cannot bear and cannot heal.
Life is too short to live with pieces of your heart fragmented or broken, I hope you join me on this humble journey in life to heal your heart whole through the heart maker.
