Some of you are probably going to laugh, and I’m sure I will laugh at them too later, but this is who I want to be, today. (I wasn't originally going to share it, but hey, what the heck)
My Dreams, December 1st 2011
To have a big, beautiful, fabulous foodie kitchen, filled with all kinds of delicious and beautiful foods and cool kitchen gadgets and lots of cooking space
To have a fully stocked liqueur cabinet
To have a fabulous wine collection and wine fridge/cellar
To have makeup business up and running smoothly and making lots of monies.
Be top makeup artist in Atlantic Canada
Be an award winning makeup artist
Start sewing clothes for my family
Start knitting again
Being financial responsible and secure and investing in my family’s future
To be able to bless others financial
For Ryan to be living his dreams
To get a bachelor’s degree
To buy a big house with lots of space for family and friends to visit
Get my wardrobe back up to standard
To be able to travel all over and see the world
To have happy, healthy children
Have a beautifully designed and decorated home
Be able to invest in Africa and work there on a regular basis
Get an agent in Montreal
Go to Paris
Get my body back + hotter
Keep my hands and feet manicured
Get closer to God and get to know him better
Be able to hear God and listen and communicate with him
Have lots of books
Cottage on PEI
Get organized and have a clean house
Be a fabulous cook
Be a blessing to my husband
Stop having McDonalds cravings
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
motherhood, manic and misery
My weekend was a little hectic, as it often is, I would really like to slow down a bit, but I don't know how. This weekend though was especially emotionally draining.I have had so many things on my mind and my heart, and I think that may be why I haven't been blogging lately, I don't know how to articulate it all so that it makes sense, or has a point and isn't just incoherent rambling. So I might bounce around a little bit in this entry, we'll see where it goes.
Ryan and I really got into it yesterday morning, there had been tension since Wednesday, and I had slept in the guest room for two nights, so by Saturday morning, all this stuff that had been building up for 3 days, I was ready to rip his head off (I think I have temper problems.) Let me just explain this fundamental thing you need to understand if you ever want a heterosexual relationship to work ..men and women are different. I really don't think a lot of people get it, but I think it damages the woman more. I hear so many people sharing or talking about relationship issues thinking their is something wrong with their partner, but in my head, I'm thinking this doesn't sound like a Dick and Jane difference , this sounds like a men and women difference.
Anyways... So Rye and I were really duking it out Saturday morning, it was painful and it was hard, and I think the hardest part about it was that I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to fix us. Essentially it boils down to this, I need Ryan to be more involved with helping me at home,however I have a couple of issues with that. Number one, I feel guilty about needing his help, I know he's gone working all day, at a job he hates none the less, and he's not sleeping well cause I'm not sleeping well, so he is always exhausted. So for me , as a wife, I WANT to take care of him, and have him come home to a beautiful, clean house, with supper on the table and ribbons in my hair and a bowtie on the baby, I want our home to be a sanctuary for him. A place where he can get away from the world, and just be in a safe loving place and get recharged and filled up. SO, when I need him to do stuff around the house, guilt and shame come in and I feel like a failure (for all those woman wondering, My husband has never confessed a desire for this, I just have this fantasy house-wife idea in my head that I feel like I'm suppose to fulfill...no idea where it came from) and I can't remember what other issues I have with that ...too sleepy to make sense anymore but essentially, I feel tracked in this very stressful cycle. Ryan's stressed about work comes home to a wife that's stressed out about the house being a mess, her hair not being brushed ( what am I talking about brushed...I mean not even washed) trying to get her makeup business up and going and trying to take care of the baby and have a little bit of a social life as I get terribly lonely with just me and the babe. So like most people when they feel guilty, they get defensive, and when we are defensive, we're on edge and that's where I've been for I don't know, the past two months at least, and it is EXHAUSTING. But the hard part about our fighting and disagreeing Saturday morning was trying to come up with a resolution. You're in pain, I am in pain, how are we gonna change this. What can we do to make this better. I feel like we are in cycle, he can't quit his job we need him to work for money, so it comes back to me, what can I do to relieve some stress in our lives...which opens up a whole new can of worms.
Ryan and I were talking tonight about makeup, and my business, there are so other makeup artist out there that I'm seeing all over facebook and I think their work is awful , well not awful but just not good , and it's not that I think I am the best, I know that there are many others out there that are much better then I am, and better then I possibly ever will be, and I'm ok with that, kind of, I'm working on accepting I can't compare myself to makeup artist who didn't just have a baby four months ago. but ANYWAYS, so I see this MUA, who happens to be someone I don't think is as talented as I am , and they are doing a lot of makeup and that is discouraging and a little disheartening. So Ryan and I are just talking back and forth about the industry and the contacts I know and what I should be doing now and working towards and how much money to invest in my business and when and blah, blah , blah, when it kind of dawns on me. Maybe I shouldn't be working right now like this. I've pretty much been booked every weekend for the past two months, and have had stuff going on during the week days a couple of times, and it's really taking a lot out of me. Plus there is a lot of stuff I do at home for my business people don't see, working on advertising, facebook page, I launched my new website for bridal makeup, www.monctonmakeup.com , I constantly need to be reading up on the latest products and new trends , I always have to be learning.My makeup kit takes up alot of maintence it's self, for every gig I do, I need to spend at least an hour afterwards cleaning and sanitizing everything. Plus I'm trying to network so that once my EI runs out I'll be able to stay at home with Nehemiah and not have to go back to work full time and just work part time with whatever gigs I can book. But it's alot of working, being your own product, your own brand, your own customer service, your own accountant, your own lawyer, your own graphic and web deisgner, your own marketing team, your own sales,your on industry research and testing plus I don't have somewhere where I can set up an office space in my apartment so I constantly feel disorganized.
Anyways, hopefully after that rant you appreciate freelance makeup artists a little bit more! HAHA! I'm battling with, ok what do I do and what do I leave. What is the responsible amount of work for me to take on. Am I taking on too much? I started doing makeup again 3 weeks after Nehemiah was born. I asked my husband tonight if I should stop and he said , you were going crazy, you told me you don't want to be "just a mom". Great another thing to feel guilty about, cause it's true, I don't want to be just a mom, and I feel horrible about it. Mothers are amazing and it's not that I don't think that it isn't important, I think it's very important and that's why I feel bad about my desire to pursue other things. I'm so scared I'm just going to bulldozer over my kids so I can keep getting a head in work. I've caught myself getting frustrated with Ryan the past few weeks thinking in my head "UGH, YOUR SLOWING ME DOWN!!" I hate that my heart is all upside down and I am prioritzing work over my relationships and connection with my husband. When my friends facebook me or email me, average time it takes me to get back to them is 3 weeks to a month, if I ever do. and that's not right, but it's just my life right now is Baby, Work,Baby, House,Baby, Husband,Baby Work,Baby, Sleep, Eat or Shower ( only able to choose one daily) So no I'm not at peace with being a housewife and a mom, but I don't want to be a neglectful wife and a bad mom. And I am terrified that Nehemiah is going to feel unwanted or like a burden, because he's not , not at all he is SUCH a precious gift and has blessed me beyond measure in his short little life so far, and I know it's only going to get better, ( I can't wait for him to be able to talk!) It's me , it's me it's me, it's my issues, and I don't want to ever take those on. So it's a little tormenting, make sure the baby feels love and wanted and safe and happy and all those cozy things , and then work my ass off the rest of the time on my business , then OH NO , my house smells like something crawled under the table and died,and there is nothing in the fridge to eat and my husband is shriveling up into a little prune dying for affection.Ok start focusing on the Baby and the husband ..kkk everyone is happy, OH NO, 40 emails to reply to, resume to update, facebook page to update, makeup brushes to clean, phone calls to make , I feel like I am constantly running to try and catch up on something else. BUT as I've been typing this , in the back of my mind I've been simplifying my business plan, so that I only set aside one day a week to work on things, and then the rest of the week only spend 30-45 minutes daily on emails and facebook, advertising and website maintenance, until the baby is older.
Well it's almost Three, I've trashed my dining room playing with makeup earlier , and there is a good chance my baby is going to be up in two hours. So I'm gonna head to bed. xo
Ryan and I really got into it yesterday morning, there had been tension since Wednesday, and I had slept in the guest room for two nights, so by Saturday morning, all this stuff that had been building up for 3 days, I was ready to rip his head off (I think I have temper problems.) Let me just explain this fundamental thing you need to understand if you ever want a heterosexual relationship to work ..men and women are different. I really don't think a lot of people get it, but I think it damages the woman more. I hear so many people sharing or talking about relationship issues thinking their is something wrong with their partner, but in my head, I'm thinking this doesn't sound like a Dick and Jane difference , this sounds like a men and women difference.
Anyways... So Rye and I were really duking it out Saturday morning, it was painful and it was hard, and I think the hardest part about it was that I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to fix us. Essentially it boils down to this, I need Ryan to be more involved with helping me at home,however I have a couple of issues with that. Number one, I feel guilty about needing his help, I know he's gone working all day, at a job he hates none the less, and he's not sleeping well cause I'm not sleeping well, so he is always exhausted. So for me , as a wife, I WANT to take care of him, and have him come home to a beautiful, clean house, with supper on the table and ribbons in my hair and a bowtie on the baby, I want our home to be a sanctuary for him. A place where he can get away from the world, and just be in a safe loving place and get recharged and filled up. SO, when I need him to do stuff around the house, guilt and shame come in and I feel like a failure (for all those woman wondering, My husband has never confessed a desire for this, I just have this fantasy house-wife idea in my head that I feel like I'm suppose to fulfill...no idea where it came from) and I can't remember what other issues I have with that ...too sleepy to make sense anymore but essentially, I feel tracked in this very stressful cycle. Ryan's stressed about work comes home to a wife that's stressed out about the house being a mess, her hair not being brushed ( what am I talking about brushed...I mean not even washed) trying to get her makeup business up and going and trying to take care of the baby and have a little bit of a social life as I get terribly lonely with just me and the babe. So like most people when they feel guilty, they get defensive, and when we are defensive, we're on edge and that's where I've been for I don't know, the past two months at least, and it is EXHAUSTING. But the hard part about our fighting and disagreeing Saturday morning was trying to come up with a resolution. You're in pain, I am in pain, how are we gonna change this. What can we do to make this better. I feel like we are in cycle, he can't quit his job we need him to work for money, so it comes back to me, what can I do to relieve some stress in our lives...which opens up a whole new can of worms.
Ryan and I were talking tonight about makeup, and my business, there are so other makeup artist out there that I'm seeing all over facebook and I think their work is awful , well not awful but just not good , and it's not that I think I am the best, I know that there are many others out there that are much better then I am, and better then I possibly ever will be, and I'm ok with that, kind of, I'm working on accepting I can't compare myself to makeup artist who didn't just have a baby four months ago. but ANYWAYS, so I see this MUA, who happens to be someone I don't think is as talented as I am , and they are doing a lot of makeup and that is discouraging and a little disheartening. So Ryan and I are just talking back and forth about the industry and the contacts I know and what I should be doing now and working towards and how much money to invest in my business and when and blah, blah , blah, when it kind of dawns on me. Maybe I shouldn't be working right now like this. I've pretty much been booked every weekend for the past two months, and have had stuff going on during the week days a couple of times, and it's really taking a lot out of me. Plus there is a lot of stuff I do at home for my business people don't see, working on advertising, facebook page, I launched my new website for bridal makeup, www.monctonmakeup.com , I constantly need to be reading up on the latest products and new trends , I always have to be learning.My makeup kit takes up alot of maintence it's self, for every gig I do, I need to spend at least an hour afterwards cleaning and sanitizing everything. Plus I'm trying to network so that once my EI runs out I'll be able to stay at home with Nehemiah and not have to go back to work full time and just work part time with whatever gigs I can book. But it's alot of working, being your own product, your own brand, your own customer service, your own accountant, your own lawyer, your own graphic and web deisgner, your own marketing team, your own sales,your on industry research and testing plus I don't have somewhere where I can set up an office space in my apartment so I constantly feel disorganized.
Anyways, hopefully after that rant you appreciate freelance makeup artists a little bit more! HAHA! I'm battling with, ok what do I do and what do I leave. What is the responsible amount of work for me to take on. Am I taking on too much? I started doing makeup again 3 weeks after Nehemiah was born. I asked my husband tonight if I should stop and he said , you were going crazy, you told me you don't want to be "just a mom". Great another thing to feel guilty about, cause it's true, I don't want to be just a mom, and I feel horrible about it. Mothers are amazing and it's not that I don't think that it isn't important, I think it's very important and that's why I feel bad about my desire to pursue other things. I'm so scared I'm just going to bulldozer over my kids so I can keep getting a head in work. I've caught myself getting frustrated with Ryan the past few weeks thinking in my head "UGH, YOUR SLOWING ME DOWN!!" I hate that my heart is all upside down and I am prioritzing work over my relationships and connection with my husband. When my friends facebook me or email me, average time it takes me to get back to them is 3 weeks to a month, if I ever do. and that's not right, but it's just my life right now is Baby, Work,Baby, House,Baby, Husband,Baby Work,Baby, Sleep, Eat or Shower ( only able to choose one daily) So no I'm not at peace with being a housewife and a mom, but I don't want to be a neglectful wife and a bad mom. And I am terrified that Nehemiah is going to feel unwanted or like a burden, because he's not , not at all he is SUCH a precious gift and has blessed me beyond measure in his short little life so far, and I know it's only going to get better, ( I can't wait for him to be able to talk!) It's me , it's me it's me, it's my issues, and I don't want to ever take those on. So it's a little tormenting, make sure the baby feels love and wanted and safe and happy and all those cozy things , and then work my ass off the rest of the time on my business , then OH NO , my house smells like something crawled under the table and died,and there is nothing in the fridge to eat and my husband is shriveling up into a little prune dying for affection.Ok start focusing on the Baby and the husband ..kkk everyone is happy, OH NO, 40 emails to reply to, resume to update, facebook page to update, makeup brushes to clean, phone calls to make , I feel like I am constantly running to try and catch up on something else. BUT as I've been typing this , in the back of my mind I've been simplifying my business plan, so that I only set aside one day a week to work on things, and then the rest of the week only spend 30-45 minutes daily on emails and facebook, advertising and website maintenance, until the baby is older.
Well it's almost Three, I've trashed my dining room playing with makeup earlier , and there is a good chance my baby is going to be up in two hours. So I'm gonna head to bed. xo
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
dark places
Wow...I can't believe how long its been since I've written. There has been a lot going on. Expect lots of nonsense and grammatical errors in this post. I am too tired to edit it, but to worked up to sleep.
There has been some tragic, tragic deaths in my life the past few weeks. Both of them people I didn't know very well, but that were very close to loved ones. And it's been really, really painful. I really don't want to be all doom and gloom, but I'm depressed, and have been for weeks now, and maybe if I get it out, I'll feel better in the morning.
I choose to shelter myself, and attempt to preserve what innocence I have left and I try to be very careful about what movies and TV I watch, and the content of the books I read. And not that people don't hurt, and mourn when a loved one passes on, but I do believe as a society we have been desensitized to death in general. And it really bothers me. The glory in the fighting, and the pain and the death in action and thriller movies offends me. The glamorization of torture , cruelty and evil is hard for me to stomach. Watching this kind of stuff always bothered me,but now that people that where in my life are dead, its almost unbearable. It's the same thing with relationships, and affairs and divorces on tv and movies, they are so glamorized, and sexy and exciting, but then when you, yourself are living through it, and you can't change the channel...it's earth shattering.
So ... as cliche as it sounds...I've been questioning the meaning of life. I believe God loves us, that he always has and always will, I believe that the human race brought sin into our lives which damaged that relationship we could have had with God, but that Jesus came so that it would be restored, and we now have the open invitation to live with God, as friends... but if that was the whole purpose of life, to be in relationship with God, then why would he even both sending us to earth? Couldn't he just create us in heaven? Just skip this whole earth process, if all it was for was getting to know him and telling other people about him?...so im not at peace. And life is precious, so precious. there is a reason why we are all here, and therefore there is value in us all being here. But i dont know, we dont get it, I don't get it. All the wars, and the starvation and just unnecessary deaths, why? Why don't we value life anymore ? Why does the news not break our hearts? Why do we let our children watch people getting blown up or gunned down, or let them pretend to do it?
I also don't understand why we wait until the funeral to tell someone how awesome they are. When they're alive "oh well you know they have this problem..." or "oh well you know they have this issue.." but when they are dead...nobody has anything but good things to say about them. I wonder if we just CHOSE to live like that on a regular bases, CHOSE to focus on the best in people and to associate the best in someone with that person whenever we think of them.
The night Ryan and I found out that his uncle died suddenly of a heart attack there had been a lot of tension between us and we were fighting. His mother called me hysterical while Ryan was out saying how David had a heart attack driving home from work and died pulling into his driveway. What would I have done if Ryan pulled into my driveway and never got out of the car ... there are just so many things that aren't worth it, they just aren't. I feel like my life is a soap opera ... the things that have happened this year are insane... and I guess bottom line is, you just never know.
My heart is heavy , and I know I am mourning for more then the two lives that were lost ...however, I don't know what it is that I mourn for but I know it's ripping my spirit up.
I don't want this to be a downer, cause I know God is bigger and I trust him, I really do, for the first time in a long time I do. It's just heavy and painful ...and life goes on and there is no grid for it.
I'm going to try and go back to bed, hopefully my next post will be lighter.
There has been some tragic, tragic deaths in my life the past few weeks. Both of them people I didn't know very well, but that were very close to loved ones. And it's been really, really painful. I really don't want to be all doom and gloom, but I'm depressed, and have been for weeks now, and maybe if I get it out, I'll feel better in the morning.
I choose to shelter myself, and attempt to preserve what innocence I have left and I try to be very careful about what movies and TV I watch, and the content of the books I read. And not that people don't hurt, and mourn when a loved one passes on, but I do believe as a society we have been desensitized to death in general. And it really bothers me. The glory in the fighting, and the pain and the death in action and thriller movies offends me. The glamorization of torture , cruelty and evil is hard for me to stomach. Watching this kind of stuff always bothered me,but now that people that where in my life are dead, its almost unbearable. It's the same thing with relationships, and affairs and divorces on tv and movies, they are so glamorized, and sexy and exciting, but then when you, yourself are living through it, and you can't change the channel...it's earth shattering.
So ... as cliche as it sounds...I've been questioning the meaning of life. I believe God loves us, that he always has and always will, I believe that the human race brought sin into our lives which damaged that relationship we could have had with God, but that Jesus came so that it would be restored, and we now have the open invitation to live with God, as friends... but if that was the whole purpose of life, to be in relationship with God, then why would he even both sending us to earth? Couldn't he just create us in heaven? Just skip this whole earth process, if all it was for was getting to know him and telling other people about him?...so im not at peace. And life is precious, so precious. there is a reason why we are all here, and therefore there is value in us all being here. But i dont know, we dont get it, I don't get it. All the wars, and the starvation and just unnecessary deaths, why? Why don't we value life anymore ? Why does the news not break our hearts? Why do we let our children watch people getting blown up or gunned down, or let them pretend to do it?
I also don't understand why we wait until the funeral to tell someone how awesome they are. When they're alive "oh well you know they have this problem..." or "oh well you know they have this issue.." but when they are dead...nobody has anything but good things to say about them. I wonder if we just CHOSE to live like that on a regular bases, CHOSE to focus on the best in people and to associate the best in someone with that person whenever we think of them.
The night Ryan and I found out that his uncle died suddenly of a heart attack there had been a lot of tension between us and we were fighting. His mother called me hysterical while Ryan was out saying how David had a heart attack driving home from work and died pulling into his driveway. What would I have done if Ryan pulled into my driveway and never got out of the car ... there are just so many things that aren't worth it, they just aren't. I feel like my life is a soap opera ... the things that have happened this year are insane... and I guess bottom line is, you just never know.
My heart is heavy , and I know I am mourning for more then the two lives that were lost ...however, I don't know what it is that I mourn for but I know it's ripping my spirit up.
I don't want this to be a downer, cause I know God is bigger and I trust him, I really do, for the first time in a long time I do. It's just heavy and painful ...and life goes on and there is no grid for it.
I'm going to try and go back to bed, hopefully my next post will be lighter.
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