The frilly purple dresses hurt so much. I felt sick inside, but suppressed it and looked around Costco for something else to distract. I laid in bed earlier tonight,and tears streamed down my cheeks, and I can feel the aching pain all through my ribcage, intensifying with every breath. The only thing that comes to my mind is "why?" and "i miss you." I check to make sure Nehemiah is still breathing, I do that regularly now, and he sleeps in the bed with Ryan and I now every night since Sarah-Esther's Death.
i dont know what else to say, except for I'm sad, not all the time, but sometimes it really hurts.
My brothers face, so distorted from the pain, still haunts me. The whole scene of me walking into the room and seeing them sobbing on the couch in their pjs, telling me what happened, is burned into my heart and memory.
my brother named my little niece after me, i was so honored, i felt so special and so loved , i wanted to make her feel the same, but she was ripped out of my life before i had the chance, i thought her and i were going to be best friends, i thought we were going to have a special connection, me and her would hang out while the boys would play, i would be her "uncle Andrew" .
I avoid certain streets now when I'm driving now, I don't know why but I never go down west main anymore to get to my parents, always St.George st now. I still have a hard time praying, but God told me it was ok, after she died, I don't remember exactly when, could have been the day after, or a couple of days after, I tried to pray, to "turn to God" in all of this. I lied in bed and started to pray, and then stopped myself, I didn't want to pray, I wanted to hurt, I still working it out and I didn't want God to come sweeping in like a fairy God-Mother and make everything magical and ok, cause it wasn't. I lied there and I heard God say, "It's ok, I don't want to pray either, I'm heartbroken too..." So I just let myself mourn and cry before God, knowing he wasn't going to give me some bullshit bible verse and try and "fix me", He cried too.
I guess I have a hard time trusting God, cause I still am having a hard time praying, every night when I lie down with Nehemiah, I go to say his prayers, and I hesitate, scared God is going to force himself on me, but he doesn't. Sometimes, I am too scared to even try and pray, so I just start to sing a song, but I don't remember a lot of lyrics to songs anymore, so I end up making up my own, by the end I am confessing my deepest fears and my heart's groaning, I end weeping with my baby asleep in my arms and falling asleep next to him in peace finally being able to sing what I was so scared to say.
I bawled typing most of this entry, typed it with one hand, with the other hand over my mouth to muffle any sounds so I don't wake up my boys.
I guess we aren't invincible. I always thought I was, I guess I appreciate life a little more, so cliche I know, but feeling pain so deep , and seeing those you love the most so broken and devastated, shaking and sobbing, it was horrifying. Life is too short, and there is too much pain to not live a life of freedom.
I just want my husband to hold me, my spirit is at peace when I am with him, in his arms, Sarah's death brought us closer,brought our whole family closer, it's still not worth it though, I wish she was here, we would have gotten closer on our own anyways...just would have taken us longer to forgive and let go when there are no pressing matters urging us to do so.
I'll kiss my baby boy goodnight again as I crawl into bed next to him and wonder why God let my baby brother go through all that pain instead of me.
i dont know what else to say, except for I'm sad, not all the time, but sometimes it really hurts.
My brothers face, so distorted from the pain, still haunts me. The whole scene of me walking into the room and seeing them sobbing on the couch in their pjs, telling me what happened, is burned into my heart and memory.
my brother named my little niece after me, i was so honored, i felt so special and so loved , i wanted to make her feel the same, but she was ripped out of my life before i had the chance, i thought her and i were going to be best friends, i thought we were going to have a special connection, me and her would hang out while the boys would play, i would be her "uncle Andrew" .
I avoid certain streets now when I'm driving now, I don't know why but I never go down west main anymore to get to my parents, always St.George st now. I still have a hard time praying, but God told me it was ok, after she died, I don't remember exactly when, could have been the day after, or a couple of days after, I tried to pray, to "turn to God" in all of this. I lied in bed and started to pray, and then stopped myself, I didn't want to pray, I wanted to hurt, I still working it out and I didn't want God to come sweeping in like a fairy God-Mother and make everything magical and ok, cause it wasn't. I lied there and I heard God say, "It's ok, I don't want to pray either, I'm heartbroken too..." So I just let myself mourn and cry before God, knowing he wasn't going to give me some bullshit bible verse and try and "fix me", He cried too.
I guess I have a hard time trusting God, cause I still am having a hard time praying, every night when I lie down with Nehemiah, I go to say his prayers, and I hesitate, scared God is going to force himself on me, but he doesn't. Sometimes, I am too scared to even try and pray, so I just start to sing a song, but I don't remember a lot of lyrics to songs anymore, so I end up making up my own, by the end I am confessing my deepest fears and my heart's groaning, I end weeping with my baby asleep in my arms and falling asleep next to him in peace finally being able to sing what I was so scared to say.
I bawled typing most of this entry, typed it with one hand, with the other hand over my mouth to muffle any sounds so I don't wake up my boys.
I guess we aren't invincible. I always thought I was, I guess I appreciate life a little more, so cliche I know, but feeling pain so deep , and seeing those you love the most so broken and devastated, shaking and sobbing, it was horrifying. Life is too short, and there is too much pain to not live a life of freedom.
I just want my husband to hold me, my spirit is at peace when I am with him, in his arms, Sarah's death brought us closer,brought our whole family closer, it's still not worth it though, I wish she was here, we would have gotten closer on our own anyways...just would have taken us longer to forgive and let go when there are no pressing matters urging us to do so.
I'll kiss my baby boy goodnight again as I crawl into bed next to him and wonder why God let my baby brother go through all that pain instead of me.
6 comments:
love ya sweetie.....
Sarah so sorry for the hurt you feel. Its not easy, I offen think of little sarahs mom, she had 2 babies now only one in her arms. I hope God is giving her more strength then she ever thought she could have. Hold on tight He does love you and your prayers will come back.
God Bless you !!!!
It is all so hard to understand.. that same day, the same store I too had an emotional time regarding Ssrah-Esther's death. saw a little girl in a stroller, about 9 mo'sold... sleeping peacefully. i was fine at first, then the tears started. I more or less held them back, got the pizza sample and joined Dan another row over, tears came again... wiped them away, took a deep breath and headed down another row to grab the Miniwheats! one of my favorites & Josh's... and then I burst right there. It is not fair, it is not right, it is hard to handle at times. Why is a good question. People say not to question God, But I think His shoulders are strong enough to handle it! I believe you are right about Him crying with us... read to Caleb today about His thoughts towards us being as numerous as the grains of sand... He prepared me a bit for this sad happening in our life. 2 times I had a sense that Sarah-Esther's life with us was going to be short... i shrugged it off at the time as being satan trying to put fear and negativity in my heart. I remembered it a day or so after Sarah's death. Gave me comfort and reassurance for William's life to be safe. Andrew shared how he was up thru the night, that same night Sarah-Esther died... praying, interceding. perhaps Andrew it was your prayers God heard that God knew He would stir you to pray that kept your name sake alive, but for whatever reason it was not to be for Sarah-Esther. I don't know... we may not know until the day we join her in heaven - what God was thinking, seeing, how He was planning to turn it for good. I use to not believe in God's goodness... not that I thought He was mean... but just didn't recognize Him as being good... a couple of years ago that changed... I chose to believe God is good, He has good intentions for me - His plan is to prosper me, not to harm, to give me hope and a future. it is hard to reconcile it in light of these events, but I KNOW He is good, and so I choose to trust.
god asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham obeyed, he was spared the loss... we too have been asked to make a sacrifice... it is bitter-sweet, we have William, but have lost Sarah-Esther. Josh and Ashley were so brave - and chose to trust their God - the one who gives and takes away. Blessed be His name. We as a family gained ground that day! We did not back down from the fight the devil put before us - we stood firm. We trusted in our God. Yes we were hurt, yes we cry, but we will not turn our back on our God! after all - no cliche here... but god did sacrifice His only son for me... He knows our pain... and as was said... He has cried with us thru this. We prayed for resurrection of Sarah-Esther - we did not see it - but we stepped out in faith for it! we will see it in our day and in our time and in this city! we will see resurrection. another aching heart, momma bear, grandma bear! I won't back down!
I find it so hard to feel motivated about things in life now.. homework, showering, going out in public, hanging out with people. The feeling of being robbed and lost is constantly trying to overtake and push out all feelings of hope in the future and joy in the moment. I find that if I don't pour my emotions out and soak to quiet worship music, it all builds up in me and overflows into everything I try to get myself to do in my day. Sometimes I'm desperate to quit life for a week and just go somewhere and deal with this all, without people constantly asking me why I went home for so long and 'how I'm feeling now', and without the business of school, homework, and people being constantly around me. Sarah Jane, I am also struggling with talking to God about it, and not letting him take the pain and sadness away, because I feel like it lets me remember that it happened, remember how beautiful, loved, and special she was to us, and so I can go through this process of my questions and hurt. But as I am realizing God's heart, I am now trying to allow my heart partner with his so that he can help me get through this at a pace good for me, and not just take it. He can let it still hurt, but also start to slowly helping us work though it.
I am so proud of Ashley and Josh with all of this, and God definitely has great plans for them coming up. I am very interested and hopeful to see how God continues to work this out for good in the lives of Josh, Ashley, and William, but also the lives of the entire family.
Seeing other baby girls hurts our hearts badly, as it reminds us of our sweet baby girl, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I'll see her again in Heaven, and though that seems like forever, it's nothing compared to eternity!
Love you and Mourn with you.
Your baby sister,
Rebekah
Wow, Yeah. Thanks for being real as difficult as it is
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