Sunday, December 1, 2013

It's all pretty amazing ...

My husband is a great guy. You would be hard pressed to find anyone besides me to say anything negative about him. And that sentence alone gave me some perspective on how I see him and treat him. Especially the past few months as I've been processing a lot of what 7 to 5 years ago and how it has affected me since.

Ryan stepped into my life in a pretty active way, when I was just reeling. I'm not even sure if I understand why I was at the point that I was when we started to get serious. But in some ways, I don't know if it's my personality or me just being a woman, but I just fall in love hard, I hurt deeply and just feel things intensely - well I did. I remember sitting in my bed on the phone with my ex and him starting to tell me - all the times he cheated on me - like over a dozen. It was unbelievable. And I don't think at 18 I was ready to process how deceived I had been, everyone else knew and everyone else was telling me to get out for a really long time, but I was stubborn and independent and had invested so much of me growing up,and becoming a person and discovering who I was with this guy - but I just remember vividly- him telling me and it NOT hurting ...all I felt was like a cement truck just backed down my throat and my whole chest and ribcage just turned to stone - I felt it, I felt it get hard and not hurt. I guess I felt ME get hard and not hurt. I kind of stopped thinking as this messy break up drew out .

I had isolated myself in this relationship from my family, my church and my friends - I know they would have all been there for me had I opened up, but instead I made new friends as I slipped into a depression that I would battle for the next 6 years. I wouldn't really say I was suicidal or self destructive, but I did start smoking pot, cigarettes , drinking every weekend and sleeping with waaaaay too many guys. And even though for some people that sounds like a great time -and I was having fun - I was crossing my own boundaries. Big time. And I've been cleaning up the mess ever since.

The mess of me is what really made me think - that I am to the point that I can see the mess I was and how far I've come that really made me search for the catalyst. As I was driving home from a long day of shooting I was thinking about something my husband and I had been discussing a few weeks back. I was really angry at this guy for lying to me when we had been sleeping together. Out of all the guys I had hooked up with, this guy hurt me. He had a serious girlfriend the whole time we had been hooking up and I only found out at the end - I was furious -and I had no idea who she was to tell her.So that really pissed me off, the second thing was I had told him- "listen,I don't want a serious relationship - let's just be casual friends and sleep together - blah blah blah." And he lied to me about that too, I told him lets just be friends and he was like no I really like you and want this to be more. I asked my husband "why? why would he lie to me about that?!?! when the thing he really wanted was what I was telling him I also wanted?!?" My hubby was like well he was just telling you what he thought you would really want to hear," But I had had this conversation we a previous guy, and he was like, yup! that's perfect to me" I responded. My husband reply's: " Sarah-Jane he was devastated when you stopped hanging out with him - he lied to you too, he wanted more, he was just telling you what he thought you wanted to hear too." I'm a little simple- so I was dumbfounded. And pissed AT ALL MANKIND. lol. I was thinking to myself - unbelievable ALL MEN - they lie, ALL OF THEM!!

Then I remember my husband, who has the potential to make the biggest idiot out of out of them all, since I can say I trust him wholeheartedly. He came into my life, and hasn't left and has always refused to just tell me what I wanted to hear.

It's pretty incredible - to be back in a place, that I could be completely blindsided and devastated. I'm also scared to type that I trust my husband and that he doesn't lie to me, in case I was to be made to feel like a fool again. And that's the feeling - you feel like a fool, just so stupid and such an idiot. But that is what love does. You cannot be hurt when you harden yourself - but you cannot love either. So something has got to give.

Although it feels more days than not, that I am banging my head against a wall and I was so stupid and crazy to get married so young. I am SO glad I did. My husband has brought me to a place I could never have gotten to being single,specifically this fast, as he continues to counter constantly all the lies I believe about myself and men. Although this marriage can be painful, messy and overwhelming - I'm glad I am in the middle of it with him. Marriage is one of those things you pay for to get one thing, like happiness, and end up getting a whole lot more then you bargained for, like perseverance, gentleness, vulnerbility, and strength.