Fear, Rejection & Failure

I haven't blogged in months. After I lost my neice, I kind of lost my "UMPH" to share, I've been internalizing for months and I think I am coming around to being  a little more open and vunerable again. Maybe...we'll see.

It's incredible what you discover when you start to be honest with yourself about what's holding you back. The next step in my "marketing" for my business is to start cold calling some potential clients and taking them out to lunch , introducing myself and my work and getting to know them and theirs. But I don't want to pick up the phone ....why? I ask myself ...because I'm scared. Of what? I ponder...being rejected. I sit back and let this register a bit with myself. I feel like I am back in middle school, or high school, when you become aware , well at least for me, that some people may not like you, or want to be your friend. It's amazing after all these years, everything I have done and the friends I have made and the people in my life I have that I know love me and like me , this is still something that manipulates and controls my actions and interactions with others.

I don't know if there is anything more powerful then the driving force of fear, specifically with rejection. I was listening to a talk last week and one of the lines the speaker said resonated with me "People who say they don't care about what others think about them are usually lying. Often they care so much that they instead build walls so high and so strong to protect themselves, and isolate themselves from others to prevent others from telling them what they think about them." Obviously this can speak to someone different ways. I don't think that one should dictate their lives based on whether or not someone likes them, or thinks poorly of highly of them. You can know the truth about what someone thinks about you, but not come into agreement with it but to hold onto and operate out of the truth of who you really are. But I think one of the main reasons why we don't want to know if someone likes us or not , and what they do like or what they don't like is because we don't personally have a strong grasps ourselves on who we really are.

As a child, I heard of the story of the little wooden people, the Wemmicks, from You are Special by Max Lucado, the story did not impress me much, until I got older, and realized the hoops I was jumping through to avoid dots and gain stars and how I cared about them. The bottom line is this, I think it's important to receive what people think of us, regardless of who they are in our lives, but to invest and build relationships with the ones who invest and agree with the truth of who we really are. I think it's a journey most of us are on, to one degree or another, Who Am I? I know I can SAY (or type) who I say I believe I am, but I know I don't really believe it, because the dots are way to important to me, cripplingly so.
The past few years I feel as though I've been fumblingly along on this journey, people coming in and out for work or for personal reasons, but they are never really meeting the real me. They only get to see the coping mechanisms and the reactions I have designed to protect the scared little girl. I feel as though , I am a bit unstable as a result. When your relationships and life choices are dictated by survival/ defense or by your feelings, rather then a core from which you operate, you never know what you are going to dish out at someone, and people never know what they are gonna get when they meet you. Which is exhausting when you are trying to work and wear multiple hats. The amount of energy I have to pour into being  a stable and reliable professional is immense. We all expect our personal lives to never interfere with our professional lives or our work -but when your inner person is full of torment and confusion it takes a lot to put on a facade of togetherness when interacting with clients or potential clients. As a result, I think, all my other roles suffer. Our adrenalin and will power are finite, if they are not nourished they cannot be sustained. So the longer our inner battles rage against us, the more we burn our resources to be whole and healthy.
It's scarey, so many things are scarey to me - to be perfectly honest. And to overcome those things is scarey , I know I am totally in denial about different things - I start to process stuff - and then my heart just stops mid thought and says "We can't go their - we can't handle it." It's all bubbling under the surface, I can feel the wheels spinning underwater , but I don't dare bring them up to see what's on them. Because of course next to the fear of rejection is failure. All these "What If's " ...what if , what if , what if... it's horrendous. I remember hearing this statement once "All the difficult things that have happened to me in life I never worried about -because I didn't see them coming." The what if's I constantly worry about never come into fruition! But I waste so much mental energy on them that drains me from productive or life giving thoughts it's pathetic.
 I suppose to end the cycle, I need more honesty with myself, haha, more fear. But it really seems like the only option. Where did the lies I believe about myself that people won't like me, or people won't accept me or people will reject me , come from , in the first place?  And what's the truth ? No, everyone will not like me, but why do I let that attach itself to my self worth and cripple me? Why isn't it ok if someone doesn't like me? That sounds logical and reasonable, to understand you can't make everyone happy, but why do we still try and do it. I clearly don't understand this in the depth I need to for it to be real in my life.
Well I clearly don't have any answers, only questions, but I do have hope to press on for more clarity.

Can you communicate what you need?

So many things, where to begin. I guess first off I wanted to say a thank you to everyone who writes, emails, messages or calls me and tells me how much they enjoy my blog. I'm glad that what I am going though or whatever I share impacts people in a positive way. 

There is a couple of things pressing on my heart, one is communication, disagreements  and fights, and the other is giving up. So I guess we will see what topic takes over as we progress down my ramblings.

I suppose I will start with the communication one. I mean everyone says communication is important, but that's so vague and general, and it really doesn't give any illustration as to what communication looks like. I feel like today, in  Western society, people don't know how to adequately communicate.  We don't know how to really effectively say what we need and we can't handle other people telling us the truth or telling us what they need. It is a learned skill and I feel like perhaps, with the breakdown of family and marriages, healthy communication has and is breaking down too.

We teach our  children "normal", I know, it's huge, teaching a child what normal is! It's also one of the catalysts for conflicts in marriage and relationships, your parents taught you a normal, and your spouse's parents taught them a normal, then you get into a marriage and your doing "normal" life together, and you realize - wait a minute, our normals aren't the same. I know this was HUGE for Ryan and I, our families and the dynamics in them are almost polar opposites. Which means we both have different expectations of what a happy family is, how we do meals, how we spend our free time, how we spend our money, how we raise our children, holidays, everything. I think that in certain relationships, there may be couples who were both raised in similar family dynamics, but where would the fun be in that?

So the first hindrance in our communication is finding a common ground, and finding "our normal", as a family. This past weekend Ryan and I were fighting about money, we often do, and it's the same argument over and over again. How we handle the finances for my makeup business. So we were having a disagreement over how much I "take home" and how much I should reinvest back into my business, and our opinions were very different. Things were getting quite heated, and then I just realized, somebody isn't wrong here and somebody isn't right, what is really going on here is; different perspectives. We are experiencing my business, it's finances and our financial situation VERY differently. So until there is an understanding of what the reality and experience is of the other person, we will argue all day, every day, about the same  thing,every time - because we are not really communicating what we need, or what we need is not being heard. Does that makes sense? haha. My husband can give me lengthy, in depth explanations for why we need to do things his way, but unless I understand his experience of the situation and I feel he has understood my experience. I am never going to be completely satisfied doing things his way, cause my needs have not been met and all I see for him is an agenda, not a human.

And I think that as children, growing up in dysfunctional homes, not even necessarily where there has been divorce, but when parents had needs that weren't being met and couldn't communicate that healthily, we observe that, we internalize that, and when our needs aren't met as children, we communicate or don't communicate accordingly. As we progress in life, we  often use the experiences and encounters that we have to validate what we already believe, rather then the observe the objective reality. I love what I recently heard Kris Vallotton say: "We don't see the world the way it is, we see the world the way we are." Which brings about the need to have a common value or moral systems, a standard to which we can compare our "worldview" to, to see where we differ from reality.

If someone is "winning" in  the argument, you are both losing. We are human beings, not computers, you cannot just delete a feeling, or reboot a mistake, both individuals need to be validated in order for the confrontation to be successful and progressive. Not only do fights and mismanaged disagreements not help anything, they often create distance, coldness and confusion, which just encourages stipulations and "what ifs" and you end up getting worked up about something that is in your head, rather then working through the reality of the disagreement.

This isn't easy, when I share these principles my husband and I are walking out in our marriage, I don't mean to say we have it all together, every time we approach a disagreement we don't calmly sit down and try to identify "what do you need?" But that is what we are working towards. Every painful step. I know sometimes I just get so angry and frustrated, I feel overwhelmed, like I can't identify what I need,all I can see is what you are doing wrong and it's driving me crazy and I don't know how we are going to survive this. But somehow, by God's grace, we always do. But it's not easy, I told Ryan tonight, I miss when there was peace in our relationship, my brain is such mush, I can't remember a time of peace, but I know there was peace in our relationship at sometime and I can't wait until we get there again.

I'm going to end this on another note, don't know if it's lighter or not, life is so short. I remember as a little girl, having a fear I was going to die young, like in my 20's, somehow, I don't have that fear anymore, but I do have this almost a haunting right now, that life is suppose to be love and laughter filled and that it's short, and I am getting way too sidetracked by unimportant, inconsequential things. There is so much poison in my heart, which I see playing out in my relationships, mostly my closest ones, and it's just not worth it, to hold unto the anger, bitterness, hurt, pain, unforgiveness, resentment, all that icky stuff, We really just need to take a deep breath in and then just let it out, and let all that Crap go with it, give it to God. Every day should be treated precious and rare, and you should feel alive and aware. I see so many "sleepy" people , going about in there miserable lives, so sad, so so sad. Tell the person you love, you love them, tell your heart, the person that hurt you, you forgive them, and walk into some precious freedom and experience life your short life without the chains.

Important Key to a Healthy Marriage

I see so many young couples getting married ...and maybe they did things right and thought through more then I did, but, I'm a little nervous for them. Ryan and I have an amazing support system with our family, and just the people in our lives speaking into our relationship and our marriage, and when I see young couples getting engaged and married, I can't help but wonder, do they have people in their life to help carry the weight of the commitment they want to make?

I married an incredible man, I really feel like Ryan, as a man of God, and character, is really in his own league. I've seen very few men, his age, with the sincerity and humility that he possess and it has saved our relationship so may times.I never say my husband is perfect, but that he's perfect for me, he is all around a great husband, father and person, someone I look up to and someone that inspires me daily. All that taken into account, we don't live without out moments of pain and conflict -that we both contribute to. More and more lately it seems stress, responsibilities, and growing up  are taking their toll. We fight more, we fight easier, we fight harder, we fight longer, and the fights are deeper. Lately it feels like we are constantly grinding each other, we aren't resting in one another, we are stretching one another. We are constantly revealing the ugly things that have been lying dormant inside our heart and spirits, just waiting for the right trigger to come alive again. Sometimes I get so desperate to come up for air or to run far, far away . That is where these beautiful people in our lives, my parents, grandparents and a few close spiritual mom's and dad's provide a little rest and perspective. I don't know how many times I've gone over to my parent's studio, on the verge of tears or exploding , or literally exploding into tears or tearfully exploding , I pour my heart out to them about the disappointments, the hurt and the frustrations in my marriage, and then they tenderly speak  life  and truth into my bruised heart. Sometimes it's my  perspective, sometimes it's my response that's the problem, or sometimes I lose sight of the goal.  Let's find the gold in Ryan, regardless of the dirt, and bring that to the surface and let's try and find the gold in me, instead of the dirt, so I can go back into the battlefield, ready to fight for my marriage and not against it. 

This stressed to me the importance of family, friends and the community. If you are off, your thinking or your perspective, you are going to be running into a lot of walls, especially in relationships. There needs to be people in your life who you can trust to tell you the truth without any agendas of their own personal gain. This is beyond a key for  a healthy marriage, this is a key to being a healthy person, a person that is always growing and maturing. I think though, you can probably put on a front in a society that you a functional without any close friends to speak truth to you; but a marriage, maybe on the outside your marriage will look great, but on the inside, you're not alone with your dysfunctional secrets, your spouse is going through the same pain, confusion  and loneliness you are.

Being married reveals a lot to you about yourself, it you are willing to look. Ryan and I are trying to implement proper techniques for conflict resolution and the results are amazing. When we can actually communicate when we disagree or are hurt or angry; it builds our relationship  and intimacy, as opposed to arguments , which create walls and distance. It is also incredible revealing for pinpointing the motivators of our actions and our response, which is enabling for healing and supporting one another, which is making us stronger -slowly, and painfully. I know they say muscles get stronger or bigger by the muscles ripping and then healing , I feel kind of like that is what happens to newly married couples as they become more and more united. Your spirit, heart and soul is being ripped, but when you heal, you heal and  grow back together, you connection gets more stronger and more powerful. 

I think that as Ryan and I get stronger, we will be able more and more to carry the weight of our marriage, but in the meantime, thank you, specifically to my mom and dad , for "spotting" us while we build strength.

Gossip, Confrontaion and growth

I feel like everyday is stretching me in new ways. God is doing so many things in life and I feel like every area of my life and everything I value is being questioned and challenged, and it's exhausting.

People offend me, all the time. I don't think I can leave my house with out being offended by someone, and I don't consider myself to be a prude, those that know me know I'm not; however, I have a ridiculous high standard I expect from people, including myself, and I have such a hard time with people that like don't fix the problem.

One of my biggest offenses: I hear people with the same issues complaining and whining about them for years, YEARS. Listen, I don't want to hear about the same problem over and over again, let's dig into this problem you have, find out what the real problem is and fix it!

I may get some backlash from people thinking I'm self righteous and think I'm better then everyone else, but I don't think that , I know I have weaknesses and problems just like everyone else if not more. I know what I know , and I know I am not perfect, so I don't care if you think you know what I think.

Which brings me to people with problems with me, bring it on baby, humble me. I am so sick of people talking about what issues I have , or what issues they have with me, and not just coming to me with it. If you don't like the way I handled something , or something I said or did, come tell me, don't be a coward and just talk to everyone else about it, cause you aren't helping anyone, including yourself. You are actually damaging any relationship we could have had and distancing yourself from any reconciliation.  The more you talk negatively about other people, the more that becomes truth to you, regardless of what merit it actually has, you literally project your ideas of that person on them, and if you continue to fuel your ideology about someone instead of confronting them, you can impose your ideology so much onto someone the real person disappears to you.

And I have had people tell me the problems they have with me, sometimes so inappropriately and out of line, saying I'm a bitch, I'll never have any friends, or go anywhere in life or ever get work, but you know what? I have the choice in this interaction , you are telling me how you have experienced me, and some of it is totally your perception and is not reality at all of who I am, but some of what you are saying is true, and other people probably feel the same way. I have the opportunity to work through this feedback, regardless of whether or not it was delivered properly, and to choose not to get emotional about it, but to look at it rationally and look for the truth, so I can make myself better. I usually do this in private, after I've had my head chewed off. But some of these teachers, bosses and friends that have been really honest with me about the ugly side of me, I really owe a big thank you, cause you have exposed to me areas I need to work on to make myself better.

Which brings me to deception , I heard Kris Vallotton teaching on it, it was great. So many people, ESPECIALLY in the church, only receive a word when they agree with it. But if you are deceived , you don't know, that's why it's called DECEPTION. If you can't receive any negative feedback without getting defensive? It reveals to me two  things. One, You have a blind spot -You are living in deception if people can't speak into your life any correction or constructive feedback. Two, you don't trust the other person to be telling you the truth about you. So you have some serious relationship problems you need to work out too.  I really think people need to stop thinking they are God and infallible and start saying "It's ok if you don't agree with me, I don't have to be always right, this isn't a competition, this isn't about being right, I'm not God." Stop thinking you are so fragile -your body was created with an immune system; so was your spirit, stop thinking your God and you can do no wrong.

 But back to gossip, I just don't understand it, honestly, if you have a problem with someone, regardless of their "position", talking to other people about it, instead of fixing your end and confronting the person, it's dumb and weak. You are just making things worse and trapping yourself. The truth will set you free, so no matter where you believe the lie, whether it's about a person, or life, or you tell a lie, you are going to have bondage in that area of your life.

If you continue to believe a lie about someone you are placing yourself in bondage to how you will interact and relate to that person. The only way you are going to know if you are coming into agreement with truth about someone and not a lie is by talking it out with them.

People need to start letting people reveal their broken spots. Walking around with our heads up our asses is doing nobody any favors. Relationships, marriages and families are deteriorating because of the lack of ability for people to communicate in healthy ways.

I'm just SO frustrated that people can't talk to the people they need to talk to and say what they really need to say.

If you are going to make anything in your life a priority or a goal -learn how to effectively communicate, it is a key to your well being and the well being of those around you.

Why You Are Here

So Rye and I were watching this teaching on Love and relationships (it's what we do, we are big into relationship stuff) and the speaker addressing the issue of marriage in our society today , and why should my generation even bother with getting married and how do you know when you are ready to get married (FYI: We learned we weren't ready to be married, actually we've been learning that along the way -ahhhhhh!) But essentially it boils down to this, you were created and are most alive when you are overflowing with life, -in essence, you were created to give and receive love. Ya know, I remember hearing as a little girl that God created us to worship him -so so SO not true, it's blasphemy really and quite frankly I think it makes God sad. God does not, nor ever did, nor ever will, need to be worshiped, if He is God in the one true, perfect whole God he is, he does not NEED anything from us, nor does he have a desire for insincere compliments and ass kissing- I mean who does? No we were created to receive love from first, our heavenly father, and then second from each other.

God 101: Some of you may know God, and I am referring to the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, and some of you may not, and that is tots ok. So first let me clarify what we AREN'T going to do, quote a bunch of scriptures and super-impose my belief systems on them, and try and shove them down everyone's throat. Nor are we going to debate theology, religion, nauseating stuff, etc. Essential I want to look at this Dynamic God-Person, and how who He is affects who we are. Some of you may know what the Trinity is, some may not, but the Trinity is God. God (Abba, Father) Jesus Christ (Son) and Holy Spirit. Ok so even if you don't believe, just run with me here. God , by His/Her very nature, is 3 persons in relationship, in one. I've heard the illustration comparing Her to an egg, the is the shell of an egg, the yolk of an egg, and the white of an egg. All separate parts, all functioning dependently and independently and all egg. So God is awesome and good, and He is always good and he loves this relationship he has within himself, because God IS love, God IS relationship, if relationship was a tangible thing, it would be God. SO She is awesome, and good and Loves being a relationship, it is so rewarding, so amazing, so wow. He thinks to himself, I love to create, I have created so many beautiful things, and I love them, love them all, but the trees, and the bugs, and the fish, aren't experiencing the life I am experiencing. I want to create something to experience this love and relationship. So he created Man and Woman in HIS IMAGE -IN THE IMAGE OF RELATIONSHIP AND LOVE. So that we could be walking trough life being nourished and loved and invested in and blessed and just thriving. God said I created you like me to be in relationship and to love, to create, to steward, with power and intelligence. Be fruitful and multiply , Flourish.

So here we are, perfect, blameless, in relationship and in love, but God is also freedom, because you can't have a real relationship without freedom, you can't be really intimate without freedom. When your freedom is taken away, in any form -it's abuse. God is not going to force anyone to love him or to be who he created them to be - to live at their FULLEST potential. He won't he will not violate or manipulate you to get what he wants or he thinks is right. That's why there were two trees in the garden, and that is why we always have a choice we can make daily. If I am not free to be me around you - it's not love, if I can't say no to you -there is no intimacy. It's rape. So even though you were created to be loved, to be blessed, to be nourished, you need to say yes first, cause he is not going to violate you.

Ya know what, I just want to smash down some religious strongholds that are holding people back and keeping there spirits asleep or there souls numb to recognizing the true life and the real potential they have to be living. First off , You were not created as a sinner, you were created as a saint, God did not say, hey- im gonna throw down this broken person, hopefully somebody tells him there is help. No God created you, and those passions and gifts in you , to change the world. Did you know that you are created in the image of God, and only you can reveal a certain part of her to the world? God has given you unique gifts, talents, ambitions, and he loves that stuff about you, and loves you, thinks your totally awesome and doesn't want to change anything about the real you -not the fake/false you you've had to create to survive in this messed up place, but God does not want to crush you into a robot, he created you to explore you and be the best you , you can be, and not that you have to strive or push yourself to be perfect, but because there is only one you, and you do you best, and he wants you operating at your fullest potential. And that's where sin starts interrupting shit, sin is not something God holds over people in judgement, and it shouldn't be something we hold over each other, sin is simply this: if you do this, you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. THAT'S IT. God WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU, and when you do "Blank" it makes it hard for you or someone else to operate at there fullest potential. Enter Jesus , he sees all those blanks, he knows that you haven't gotten the right information, he knows you've been hurt, abused and violated, he knows that you are going to hurt yourself and other people, and he says ya know what - I don't want your mistakes to stop you, from the awesomeness I have for you. So let me help you with that. I know what that's like - I've been here, I came here for that reason, to understand why you react the way you do so I can relate to you and help you.


Ya know, we all have choices we make everyday, you may be thinking about all the awful stuff that has gone down in history and is even going on today and think , if God really was love he wouldn't let that stuff happen - but ya know what, that is all choices, choices made by other people , not by God, because he gave you a will, she wants you to make the choice to get to know her and stop hurting yourself and others. But it's a choice and he will not ever take choices away. So that puts the responsibility on your end, he is open to a relationship, what are you going to do? Will you start making choices that are going to stop hurting yourself and others? It's that simple. A lot of pain can be stopped if we start looking at life like that. And you know what, you've been abused, you've made some big mistakes and messed up bad, you're value system is all wrong you don't know when you are hurting yourself , or others? That's when we bring in the Bible and prayer and soaking and getting to know God, you don't have to be a genius, you don't have to have it all figured out, or be perfect, He knows, and he wants to help.

I was totally going to do a marriage rant ...but this is totally random...I'm guessing someone needs to read this Cause I totally did not have the intent on going all Jesus on yo' asses lol. Please don't hesitate to msg me if you have any questions!I'm not perfect, I've got a will, and I've used it make a lot of poor decisions, but I am turning that around! Peace on every heart and "wake up!" to every spirit that reads this!

how fashion saves my sanity

the baby is now asleep ...finally...and it's only 1030 in the morning. my mind is racing with all the things I SHOULD be doing with this precious hour, possibly only 30 minutes . Things I SHOULD do: finish laundry and put away, prep for supper tonight, get my work out in..it's been a week and I haven't had the time/energy to get one yet,shower (lol), get dressed...still in my PJs from the night before , not last night-the night before that-i know -ewwww! Vacuum -my floors are disgusting...blows my mind how messy a house can get in a week , reassemble Nehemiah's Exersaucer- tried to convert it to an activity table, but I don't think he's actually ready for that yet, so now it's just in pieces all over my living room floor, tidy up the nursery -which we actually have not really set up yet-something to do this weekend. All of these things and more, racing through my mind, all quite trivial really, but when you are emotionally wasted, exhausted, malnourished, and wearing the same clothes from over 36 hours ago ... your a little mentally unstable. What do I really want to do ? Take a candlelight bath with a glass of wine (I don't give a damn that it's 1030 am) and pretend to be a princess,and eat my delicious chocolates my hubby got me from Les Gourmands.

I'll tell you a secret,When I was younger and would sometimes get depressed or overwhelmed, I would sometimes pretend to be Victoria Beckham, I know totally random, so hear me out, lol I am not obsessed with her, or anything creepy, I wouldn't even put her in my top 5 fave celebrities, But I remembered David Beckham signed a $250 million dollar soccer deal in 07, so sometimes, I would just pretend that I was rich and fabulous, I had $250 million dollars in the bank! I would sit and do my makeup and hair to perfection, pick out my best outfit and shoes, and walk out the door full of confidence cause I owned the world. I kind of want to do that again .... I mean, Victoria has 4 kids and you always see her with them hanging off of her, so I could do the same thing with Nehemiah, only problem is I don't have nannies to watch and entertain baby while I take two hours getting ready to go out and do nothing.

I feel better now though,and I haven't even done anything , lol , my heart and mind have stopped racing and the knot in my stomach is gone. Sometimes I think you just need a little bit of distraction from your current reality to give you hope to get through it, which is the main reason why I love fashion, (and I do think Victoria is a fashion icon of this generation -she symbolizes overt glamor and she's a mom) in the misery and muck of the whole world going to hell in a hand basket, me and Jesus can sit and ohh and ahh over the Chanel, Valentino, and Tom Ford in Vogue. You find your own beauty out of the ugly, in whatever cheers you up.

i dont understand

The frilly purple dresses hurt so much. I felt sick inside, but suppressed it and looked around Costco for something else to distract. I laid in bed earlier tonight,and tears streamed down my cheeks, and I can feel the aching pain all through my ribcage, intensifying with every breath. The only thing that comes to my mind is "why?" and "i miss you." I check to make sure Nehemiah is still breathing, I do that regularly now, and he sleeps in the bed with Ryan and I now every night since Sarah-Esther's Death.

i dont know what else to say, except for I'm sad, not all the time, but sometimes it really hurts.

My brothers face, so distorted from the pain, still haunts me. The whole scene of me walking into the room and seeing them sobbing on the couch in their pjs, telling me what happened, is burned into my heart and memory.

my brother named my little niece after me, i was so honored, i felt so special and so loved , i wanted to make her feel the same, but she was ripped out of my life before i had the chance, i thought her and i were going to be best friends, i thought we were going to have a special connection, me and her would hang out while the boys would play, i would be her "uncle Andrew" .

I avoid certain streets now when I'm driving now, I don't know why but I never go down west main anymore to get to my parents, always St.George st now. I still have a hard time praying, but God told me it was ok, after she died, I don't remember exactly when, could have been the day after, or a couple of days after, I tried to pray, to "turn to God" in all of this. I lied in bed and started to pray, and then stopped myself, I didn't want to pray, I wanted to hurt, I still working it out and I didn't want God to come sweeping in like a fairy God-Mother and make everything magical and ok, cause it wasn't. I lied there and I heard God say, "It's ok, I don't want to pray either, I'm heartbroken too..." So I just let myself mourn and cry before God, knowing he wasn't going to give me some bullshit bible verse and try and "fix me", He cried too.

I guess I have a hard time trusting God, cause I still am having a hard time praying, every night when I lie down with Nehemiah, I go to say his prayers, and I hesitate, scared God is going to force himself on me, but he doesn't. Sometimes, I am too scared to even try and pray, so I just start to sing a song, but I don't remember a lot of lyrics to songs anymore, so I end up making up my own, by the end I am confessing my deepest fears and my heart's groaning, I end weeping with my baby asleep in my arms and falling asleep next to him in peace finally being able to sing what I was so scared to say.

I bawled typing most of this entry, typed it with one hand, with the other hand over my mouth to muffle any sounds so I don't wake up my boys.

I guess we aren't invincible. I always thought I was, I guess I appreciate life a little more, so cliche I know, but feeling pain so deep , and seeing those you love the most so broken and devastated, shaking and sobbing, it was horrifying. Life is too short, and there is too much pain to not live a life of freedom.

I just want my husband to hold me, my spirit is at peace when I am with him, in his arms, Sarah's death brought us closer,brought our whole family closer, it's still not worth it though, I wish she was here, we would have gotten closer on our own anyways...just would have taken us longer to forgive and let go when there are no pressing matters urging us to do so.

I'll kiss my baby boy goodnight again as I crawl into bed next to him and wonder why God let my baby brother go through all that pain instead of me.

loving you is more important to me then killing you

I don't really even know where to begin. A lot has happened since my last post, a lot of overwhelming stuff, that I didn't even know how to share if I wanted to. Everyday is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, I tend to write I guess in the downs, but lately I have been WAY to down to write anything. The past two days, however, I have been surprisingly happy, and that makes me more happy, but It's a fight to hold unto that happiness. I think I am at one of the hardest points in my life so far, really having a hard look at my life right now as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a sister/daughter and as a Makeup Artist.

I'm so far from perfect. Everyone knows that, I demonstrate it on a regular bases, but I am not really honest about it with myself, I think very few people are. For about two months now, my husband's and my relationship has been really strained...as a result , I've gotten mad a lot of people, it has to be somebody's fault we are so dysfunctional.  I  start down the blame game and try to blame  the in-law's,  I think to myself "look at this man she gave me, he can't do anything for himself cause she did everything for him, if it hadn't been for her constantly accommodating her boys, my marriage would be so much better...and ugh...he's just like his father and he had no idea how to connect heart-to-heart and now I am stuck without being able to connect to my husband cause he was never taught relationship skills on an intimate level..."  And then I catch myself ...going through a list of all the people that have shaped Ryan and I to become who we are today, but ya know what? The only people that can save my relationship with husband, is him and I.It would be soooo much easier to look for people to blame, but I think I need to have a little more courage and be a little more honest with myself, I am responsible for my actions, regardless of what people or life throw my way. That is empowering in a way, but scarey at the same time, but if I have a problem, I can take responsibility for it, and fix it. The only thing I can do about the problems I see in our marriage is change my contribution. I can't control Ryan, I can try, but it will backfire. I can nag at him all I want, but is that all I want? An accommodating husband? Is that what this great romance, passion and love has been reduced to? Mutual accommodation? I think a lot of marriages have been, it's sad, I see these couples regularly who are interacting, but not really interacting, so lonely, dreams crushed. Who falls in love or gets married with the hopes of finding someone that will accommodate them for the rest of their life?


It's a fight sometimes, not just to slip into the motions, just lie down and say, "You Win! I give up" . Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier, to just have a roommate rather then a husband, actually, I know it would be so much easier. Much easier to just live our separate lives, have our separate visions, our separate dreams, our separate schedule, just be friends, without having to sacrifice for the other person. Sacrifice...not a word you hear often now unless it's about getting ahead in your career, but what about getting a head in your relationships? The thing about sacrifice is ...it's so bloody expensive. So I am faced with the question, how much is it going to cost? How much does having a living, breathing, loving, healthy relationship with my husband going to cost me? And better yet, do I want to pay it? ...should have thought about that before I signed the life contract. I think I know the answer, I know that deep down inside of me, I am willing to take who I am and invest that daily into our relationship so that our dreams, visions and life do become one beautiful love-filled life. But it's to take the first step, to put the gun down and not say "You win! I give up!" but to put the gun down and say "loving you is more important to me then killing you" HAHA! It's funny, but so true... if anyone, anyone could say something nasty about you, from who would if hurt the most? The people that you love!! When you have constant martial spats, and are tearing each other down, you are literally killing each other.


A friend and I were sharing last night and she was talking about a conference where she was at and the speaker said "When I fight with my wife, and tear her down,disrespect her, I am actually fighting with myself at the deepest of levels, because we are one." That just spoke such truth to me, holding unto every grudge, constantly judging my husband and watching him for every screw up, I am making my own life a living hell. I married this man, and said I would devote my life to him, why then, when a huge part of my happiness and well-being is dependent on him, would I constantly be sabotaging it by being a psycho bitch to him? I need to forgive him for his mistakes and release him for my nagging death grip and focus on what I CAN control...myself.