Thursday, February 16, 2012

how fashion saves my sanity

the baby is now asleep ...finally...and it's only 1030 in the morning. my mind is racing with all the things I SHOULD be doing with this precious hour, possibly only 30 minutes . Things I SHOULD do: finish laundry and put away, prep for supper tonight, get my work out in..it's been a week and I haven't had the time/energy to get one yet,shower (lol), get dressed...still in my PJs from the night before , not last night-the night before that-i know -ewwww! Vacuum -my floors are disgusting...blows my mind how messy a house can get in a week , reassemble Nehemiah's Exersaucer- tried to convert it to an activity table, but I don't think he's actually ready for that yet, so now it's just in pieces all over my living room floor, tidy up the nursery -which we actually have not really set up yet-something to do this weekend. All of these things and more, racing through my mind, all quite trivial really, but when you are emotionally wasted, exhausted, malnourished, and wearing the same clothes from over 36 hours ago ... your a little mentally unstable. What do I really want to do ? Take a candlelight bath with a glass of wine (I don't give a damn that it's 1030 am) and pretend to be a princess,and eat my delicious chocolates my hubby got me from Les Gourmands.

I'll tell you a secret,When I was younger and would sometimes get depressed or overwhelmed, I would sometimes pretend to be Victoria Beckham, I know totally random, so hear me out, lol I am not obsessed with her, or anything creepy, I wouldn't even put her in my top 5 fave celebrities, But I remembered David Beckham signed a $250 million dollar soccer deal in 07, so sometimes, I would just pretend that I was rich and fabulous, I had $250 million dollars in the bank! I would sit and do my makeup and hair to perfection, pick out my best outfit and shoes, and walk out the door full of confidence cause I owned the world. I kind of want to do that again .... I mean, Victoria has 4 kids and you always see her with them hanging off of her, so I could do the same thing with Nehemiah, only problem is I don't have nannies to watch and entertain baby while I take two hours getting ready to go out and do nothing.

I feel better now though,and I haven't even done anything , lol , my heart and mind have stopped racing and the knot in my stomach is gone. Sometimes I think you just need a little bit of distraction from your current reality to give you hope to get through it, which is the main reason why I love fashion, (and I do think Victoria is a fashion icon of this generation -she symbolizes overt glamor and she's a mom) in the misery and muck of the whole world going to hell in a hand basket, me and Jesus can sit and ohh and ahh over the Chanel, Valentino, and Tom Ford in Vogue. You find your own beauty out of the ugly, in whatever cheers you up.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

i dont understand

The frilly purple dresses hurt so much. I felt sick inside, but suppressed it and looked around Costco for something else to distract. I laid in bed earlier tonight,and tears streamed down my cheeks, and I can feel the aching pain all through my ribcage, intensifying with every breath. The only thing that comes to my mind is "why?" and "i miss you." I check to make sure Nehemiah is still breathing, I do that regularly now, and he sleeps in the bed with Ryan and I now every night since Sarah-Esther's Death.

i dont know what else to say, except for I'm sad, not all the time, but sometimes it really hurts.

My brothers face, so distorted from the pain, still haunts me. The whole scene of me walking into the room and seeing them sobbing on the couch in their pjs, telling me what happened, is burned into my heart and memory.

my brother named my little niece after me, i was so honored, i felt so special and so loved , i wanted to make her feel the same, but she was ripped out of my life before i had the chance, i thought her and i were going to be best friends, i thought we were going to have a special connection, me and her would hang out while the boys would play, i would be her "uncle Andrew" .

I avoid certain streets now when I'm driving now, I don't know why but I never go down west main anymore to get to my parents, always St.George st now. I still have a hard time praying, but God told me it was ok, after she died, I don't remember exactly when, could have been the day after, or a couple of days after, I tried to pray, to "turn to God" in all of this. I lied in bed and started to pray, and then stopped myself, I didn't want to pray, I wanted to hurt, I still working it out and I didn't want God to come sweeping in like a fairy God-Mother and make everything magical and ok, cause it wasn't. I lied there and I heard God say, "It's ok, I don't want to pray either, I'm heartbroken too..." So I just let myself mourn and cry before God, knowing he wasn't going to give me some bullshit bible verse and try and "fix me", He cried too.

I guess I have a hard time trusting God, cause I still am having a hard time praying, every night when I lie down with Nehemiah, I go to say his prayers, and I hesitate, scared God is going to force himself on me, but he doesn't. Sometimes, I am too scared to even try and pray, so I just start to sing a song, but I don't remember a lot of lyrics to songs anymore, so I end up making up my own, by the end I am confessing my deepest fears and my heart's groaning, I end weeping with my baby asleep in my arms and falling asleep next to him in peace finally being able to sing what I was so scared to say.

I bawled typing most of this entry, typed it with one hand, with the other hand over my mouth to muffle any sounds so I don't wake up my boys.

I guess we aren't invincible. I always thought I was, I guess I appreciate life a little more, so cliche I know, but feeling pain so deep , and seeing those you love the most so broken and devastated, shaking and sobbing, it was horrifying. Life is too short, and there is too much pain to not live a life of freedom.

I just want my husband to hold me, my spirit is at peace when I am with him, in his arms, Sarah's death brought us closer,brought our whole family closer, it's still not worth it though, I wish she was here, we would have gotten closer on our own anyways...just would have taken us longer to forgive and let go when there are no pressing matters urging us to do so.

I'll kiss my baby boy goodnight again as I crawl into bed next to him and wonder why God let my baby brother go through all that pain instead of me.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

loving you is more important to me then killing you

I don't really even know where to begin. A lot has happened since my last post, a lot of overwhelming stuff, that I didn't even know how to share if I wanted to. Everyday is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, I tend to write I guess in the downs, but lately I have been WAY to down to write anything. The past two days, however, I have been surprisingly happy, and that makes me more happy, but It's a fight to hold unto that happiness. I think I am at one of the hardest points in my life so far, really having a hard look at my life right now as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a sister/daughter and as a Makeup Artist.

I'm so far from perfect. Everyone knows that, I demonstrate it on a regular bases, but I am not really honest about it with myself, I think very few people are. For about two months now, my husband's and my relationship has been really strained...as a result , I've gotten mad a lot of people, it has to be somebody's fault we are so dysfunctional.  I  start down the blame game and try to blame  the in-law's,  I think to myself "look at this man she gave me, he can't do anything for himself cause she did everything for him, if it hadn't been for her constantly accommodating her boys, my marriage would be so much better...and ugh...he's just like his father and he had no idea how to connect heart-to-heart and now I am stuck without being able to connect to my husband cause he was never taught relationship skills on an intimate level..."  And then I catch myself ...going through a list of all the people that have shaped Ryan and I to become who we are today, but ya know what? The only people that can save my relationship with husband, is him and I.It would be soooo much easier to look for people to blame, but I think I need to have a little more courage and be a little more honest with myself, I am responsible for my actions, regardless of what people or life throw my way. That is empowering in a way, but scarey at the same time, but if I have a problem, I can take responsibility for it, and fix it. The only thing I can do about the problems I see in our marriage is change my contribution. I can't control Ryan, I can try, but it will backfire. I can nag at him all I want, but is that all I want? An accommodating husband? Is that what this great romance, passion and love has been reduced to? Mutual accommodation? I think a lot of marriages have been, it's sad, I see these couples regularly who are interacting, but not really interacting, so lonely, dreams crushed. Who falls in love or gets married with the hopes of finding someone that will accommodate them for the rest of their life?


It's a fight sometimes, not just to slip into the motions, just lie down and say, "You Win! I give up" . Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier, to just have a roommate rather then a husband, actually, I know it would be so much easier. Much easier to just live our separate lives, have our separate visions, our separate dreams, our separate schedule, just be friends, without having to sacrifice for the other person. Sacrifice...not a word you hear often now unless it's about getting ahead in your career, but what about getting a head in your relationships? The thing about sacrifice is ...it's so bloody expensive. So I am faced with the question, how much is it going to cost? How much does having a living, breathing, loving, healthy relationship with my husband going to cost me? And better yet, do I want to pay it? ...should have thought about that before I signed the life contract. I think I know the answer, I know that deep down inside of me, I am willing to take who I am and invest that daily into our relationship so that our dreams, visions and life do become one beautiful love-filled life. But it's to take the first step, to put the gun down and not say "You win! I give up!" but to put the gun down and say "loving you is more important to me then killing you" HAHA! It's funny, but so true... if anyone, anyone could say something nasty about you, from who would if hurt the most? The people that you love!! When you have constant martial spats, and are tearing each other down, you are literally killing each other.


A friend and I were sharing last night and she was talking about a conference where she was at and the speaker said "When I fight with my wife, and tear her down,disrespect her, I am actually fighting with myself at the deepest of levels, because we are one." That just spoke such truth to me, holding unto every grudge, constantly judging my husband and watching him for every screw up, I am making my own life a living hell. I married this man, and said I would devote my life to him, why then, when a huge part of my happiness and well-being is dependent on him, would I constantly be sabotaging it by being a psycho bitch to him? I need to forgive him for his mistakes and release him for my nagging death grip and focus on what I CAN control...myself.