Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Can you communicate what you need?

So many things, where to begin. I guess first off I wanted to say a thank you to everyone who writes, emails, messages or calls me and tells me how much they enjoy my blog. I'm glad that what I am going though or whatever I share impacts people in a positive way. 

There is a couple of things pressing on my heart, one is communication, disagreements  and fights, and the other is giving up. So I guess we will see what topic takes over as we progress down my ramblings.

I suppose I will start with the communication one. I mean everyone says communication is important, but that's so vague and general, and it really doesn't give any illustration as to what communication looks like. I feel like today, in  Western society, people don't know how to adequately communicate.  We don't know how to really effectively say what we need and we can't handle other people telling us the truth or telling us what they need. It is a learned skill and I feel like perhaps, with the breakdown of family and marriages, healthy communication has and is breaking down too.

We teach our  children "normal", I know, it's huge, teaching a child what normal is! It's also one of the catalysts for conflicts in marriage and relationships, your parents taught you a normal, and your spouse's parents taught them a normal, then you get into a marriage and your doing "normal" life together, and you realize - wait a minute, our normals aren't the same. I know this was HUGE for Ryan and I, our families and the dynamics in them are almost polar opposites. Which means we both have different expectations of what a happy family is, how we do meals, how we spend our free time, how we spend our money, how we raise our children, holidays, everything. I think that in certain relationships, there may be couples who were both raised in similar family dynamics, but where would the fun be in that?

So the first hindrance in our communication is finding a common ground, and finding "our normal", as a family. This past weekend Ryan and I were fighting about money, we often do, and it's the same argument over and over again. How we handle the finances for my makeup business. So we were having a disagreement over how much I "take home" and how much I should reinvest back into my business, and our opinions were very different. Things were getting quite heated, and then I just realized, somebody isn't wrong here and somebody isn't right, what is really going on here is; different perspectives. We are experiencing my business, it's finances and our financial situation VERY differently. So until there is an understanding of what the reality and experience is of the other person, we will argue all day, every day, about the same  thing,every time - because we are not really communicating what we need, or what we need is not being heard. Does that makes sense? haha. My husband can give me lengthy, in depth explanations for why we need to do things his way, but unless I understand his experience of the situation and I feel he has understood my experience. I am never going to be completely satisfied doing things his way, cause my needs have not been met and all I see for him is an agenda, not a human.

And I think that as children, growing up in dysfunctional homes, not even necessarily where there has been divorce, but when parents had needs that weren't being met and couldn't communicate that healthily, we observe that, we internalize that, and when our needs aren't met as children, we communicate or don't communicate accordingly. As we progress in life, we  often use the experiences and encounters that we have to validate what we already believe, rather then the observe the objective reality. I love what I recently heard Kris Vallotton say: "We don't see the world the way it is, we see the world the way we are." Which brings about the need to have a common value or moral systems, a standard to which we can compare our "worldview" to, to see where we differ from reality.

If someone is "winning" in  the argument, you are both losing. We are human beings, not computers, you cannot just delete a feeling, or reboot a mistake, both individuals need to be validated in order for the confrontation to be successful and progressive. Not only do fights and mismanaged disagreements not help anything, they often create distance, coldness and confusion, which just encourages stipulations and "what ifs" and you end up getting worked up about something that is in your head, rather then working through the reality of the disagreement.

This isn't easy, when I share these principles my husband and I are walking out in our marriage, I don't mean to say we have it all together, every time we approach a disagreement we don't calmly sit down and try to identify "what do you need?" But that is what we are working towards. Every painful step. I know sometimes I just get so angry and frustrated, I feel overwhelmed, like I can't identify what I need,all I can see is what you are doing wrong and it's driving me crazy and I don't know how we are going to survive this. But somehow, by God's grace, we always do. But it's not easy, I told Ryan tonight, I miss when there was peace in our relationship, my brain is such mush, I can't remember a time of peace, but I know there was peace in our relationship at sometime and I can't wait until we get there again.

I'm going to end this on another note, don't know if it's lighter or not, life is so short. I remember as a little girl, having a fear I was going to die young, like in my 20's, somehow, I don't have that fear anymore, but I do have this almost a haunting right now, that life is suppose to be love and laughter filled and that it's short, and I am getting way too sidetracked by unimportant, inconsequential things. There is so much poison in my heart, which I see playing out in my relationships, mostly my closest ones, and it's just not worth it, to hold unto the anger, bitterness, hurt, pain, unforgiveness, resentment, all that icky stuff, We really just need to take a deep breath in and then just let it out, and let all that Crap go with it, give it to God. Every day should be treated precious and rare, and you should feel alive and aware. I see so many "sleepy" people , going about in there miserable lives, so sad, so so sad. Tell the person you love, you love them, tell your heart, the person that hurt you, you forgive them, and walk into some precious freedom and experience life your short life without the chains.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Important Key to a Healthy Marriage

I see so many young couples getting married ...and maybe they did things right and thought through more then I did, but, I'm a little nervous for them. Ryan and I have an amazing support system with our family, and just the people in our lives speaking into our relationship and our marriage, and when I see young couples getting engaged and married, I can't help but wonder, do they have people in their life to help carry the weight of the commitment they want to make?

I married an incredible man, I really feel like Ryan, as a man of God, and character, is really in his own league. I've seen very few men, his age, with the sincerity and humility that he possess and it has saved our relationship so may times.I never say my husband is perfect, but that he's perfect for me, he is all around a great husband, father and person, someone I look up to and someone that inspires me daily. All that taken into account, we don't live without out moments of pain and conflict -that we both contribute to. More and more lately it seems stress, responsibilities, and growing up  are taking their toll. We fight more, we fight easier, we fight harder, we fight longer, and the fights are deeper. Lately it feels like we are constantly grinding each other, we aren't resting in one another, we are stretching one another. We are constantly revealing the ugly things that have been lying dormant inside our heart and spirits, just waiting for the right trigger to come alive again. Sometimes I get so desperate to come up for air or to run far, far away . That is where these beautiful people in our lives, my parents, grandparents and a few close spiritual mom's and dad's provide a little rest and perspective. I don't know how many times I've gone over to my parent's studio, on the verge of tears or exploding , or literally exploding into tears or tearfully exploding , I pour my heart out to them about the disappointments, the hurt and the frustrations in my marriage, and then they tenderly speak  life  and truth into my bruised heart. Sometimes it's my  perspective, sometimes it's my response that's the problem, or sometimes I lose sight of the goal.  Let's find the gold in Ryan, regardless of the dirt, and bring that to the surface and let's try and find the gold in me, instead of the dirt, so I can go back into the battlefield, ready to fight for my marriage and not against it. 

This stressed to me the importance of family, friends and the community. If you are off, your thinking or your perspective, you are going to be running into a lot of walls, especially in relationships. There needs to be people in your life who you can trust to tell you the truth without any agendas of their own personal gain. This is beyond a key for  a healthy marriage, this is a key to being a healthy person, a person that is always growing and maturing. I think though, you can probably put on a front in a society that you a functional without any close friends to speak truth to you; but a marriage, maybe on the outside your marriage will look great, but on the inside, you're not alone with your dysfunctional secrets, your spouse is going through the same pain, confusion  and loneliness you are.

Being married reveals a lot to you about yourself, it you are willing to look. Ryan and I are trying to implement proper techniques for conflict resolution and the results are amazing. When we can actually communicate when we disagree or are hurt or angry; it builds our relationship  and intimacy, as opposed to arguments , which create walls and distance. It is also incredible revealing for pinpointing the motivators of our actions and our response, which is enabling for healing and supporting one another, which is making us stronger -slowly, and painfully. I know they say muscles get stronger or bigger by the muscles ripping and then healing , I feel kind of like that is what happens to newly married couples as they become more and more united. Your spirit, heart and soul is being ripped, but when you heal, you heal and  grow back together, you connection gets more stronger and more powerful. 

I think that as Ryan and I get stronger, we will be able more and more to carry the weight of our marriage, but in the meantime, thank you, specifically to my mom and dad , for "spotting" us while we build strength.