The frilly purple dresses hurt so much. I felt sick inside, but suppressed it and looked around Costco for something else to distract. I laid in bed earlier tonight,and tears streamed down my cheeks, and I can feel the aching pain all through my ribcage, intensifying with every breath. The only thing that comes to my mind is "why?" and "i miss you." I check to make sure Nehemiah is still breathing, I do that regularly now, and he sleeps in the bed with Ryan and I now every night since Sarah-Esther's Death.
i dont know what else to say, except for I'm sad, not all the time, but sometimes it really hurts.
My brothers face, so distorted from the pain, still haunts me. The whole scene of me walking into the room and seeing them sobbing on the couch in their pjs, telling me what happened, is burned into my heart and memory.
my brother named my little niece after me, i was so honored, i felt so special and so loved , i wanted to make her feel the same, but she was ripped out of my life before i had the chance, i thought her and i were going to be best friends, i thought we were going to have a special connection, me and her would hang out while the boys would play, i would be her "uncle Andrew" .
I avoid certain streets now when I'm driving now, I don't know why but I never go down west main anymore to get to my parents, always St.George st now. I still have a hard time praying, but God told me it was ok, after she died, I don't remember exactly when, could have been the day after, or a couple of days after, I tried to pray, to "turn to God" in all of this. I lied in bed and started to pray, and then stopped myself, I didn't want to pray, I wanted to hurt, I still working it out and I didn't want God to come sweeping in like a fairy God-Mother and make everything magical and ok, cause it wasn't. I lied there and I heard God say, "It's ok, I don't want to pray either, I'm heartbroken too..." So I just let myself mourn and cry before God, knowing he wasn't going to give me some bullshit bible verse and try and "fix me", He cried too.
I guess I have a hard time trusting God, cause I still am having a hard time praying, every night when I lie down with Nehemiah, I go to say his prayers, and I hesitate, scared God is going to force himself on me, but he doesn't. Sometimes, I am too scared to even try and pray, so I just start to sing a song, but I don't remember a lot of lyrics to songs anymore, so I end up making up my own, by the end I am confessing my deepest fears and my heart's groaning, I end weeping with my baby asleep in my arms and falling asleep next to him in peace finally being able to sing what I was so scared to say.
I bawled typing most of this entry, typed it with one hand, with the other hand over my mouth to muffle any sounds so I don't wake up my boys.
I guess we aren't invincible. I always thought I was, I guess I appreciate life a little more, so cliche I know, but feeling pain so deep , and seeing those you love the most so broken and devastated, shaking and sobbing, it was horrifying. Life is too short, and there is too much pain to not live a life of freedom.
I just want my husband to hold me, my spirit is at peace when I am with him, in his arms, Sarah's death brought us closer,brought our whole family closer, it's still not worth it though, I wish she was here, we would have gotten closer on our own anyways...just would have taken us longer to forgive and let go when there are no pressing matters urging us to do so.
I'll kiss my baby boy goodnight again as I crawl into bed next to him and wonder why God let my baby brother go through all that pain instead of me.
i dont know what else to say, except for I'm sad, not all the time, but sometimes it really hurts.
My brothers face, so distorted from the pain, still haunts me. The whole scene of me walking into the room and seeing them sobbing on the couch in their pjs, telling me what happened, is burned into my heart and memory.
my brother named my little niece after me, i was so honored, i felt so special and so loved , i wanted to make her feel the same, but she was ripped out of my life before i had the chance, i thought her and i were going to be best friends, i thought we were going to have a special connection, me and her would hang out while the boys would play, i would be her "uncle Andrew" .
I avoid certain streets now when I'm driving now, I don't know why but I never go down west main anymore to get to my parents, always St.George st now. I still have a hard time praying, but God told me it was ok, after she died, I don't remember exactly when, could have been the day after, or a couple of days after, I tried to pray, to "turn to God" in all of this. I lied in bed and started to pray, and then stopped myself, I didn't want to pray, I wanted to hurt, I still working it out and I didn't want God to come sweeping in like a fairy God-Mother and make everything magical and ok, cause it wasn't. I lied there and I heard God say, "It's ok, I don't want to pray either, I'm heartbroken too..." So I just let myself mourn and cry before God, knowing he wasn't going to give me some bullshit bible verse and try and "fix me", He cried too.
I guess I have a hard time trusting God, cause I still am having a hard time praying, every night when I lie down with Nehemiah, I go to say his prayers, and I hesitate, scared God is going to force himself on me, but he doesn't. Sometimes, I am too scared to even try and pray, so I just start to sing a song, but I don't remember a lot of lyrics to songs anymore, so I end up making up my own, by the end I am confessing my deepest fears and my heart's groaning, I end weeping with my baby asleep in my arms and falling asleep next to him in peace finally being able to sing what I was so scared to say.
I bawled typing most of this entry, typed it with one hand, with the other hand over my mouth to muffle any sounds so I don't wake up my boys.
I guess we aren't invincible. I always thought I was, I guess I appreciate life a little more, so cliche I know, but feeling pain so deep , and seeing those you love the most so broken and devastated, shaking and sobbing, it was horrifying. Life is too short, and there is too much pain to not live a life of freedom.
I just want my husband to hold me, my spirit is at peace when I am with him, in his arms, Sarah's death brought us closer,brought our whole family closer, it's still not worth it though, I wish she was here, we would have gotten closer on our own anyways...just would have taken us longer to forgive and let go when there are no pressing matters urging us to do so.
I'll kiss my baby boy goodnight again as I crawl into bed next to him and wonder why God let my baby brother go through all that pain instead of me.
