Why I apologize to my kids

         

Sometimes ... I have mental breakdowns. And those friends and family that are closest to us know the hell our little family has been going through the past 6 months, things are just starting to look brighter, stabilize and hopeful - but sometimes , I still snap. My husband and I are utterly exhausted due to his new work schedule of night shifts and our youngest son having some serious sleep regression and separation anxiety - we started this new difficult season after coming out of a gruelling experience that was probably the most compounded stressful time period of our marriage ( if not my life.) 

As I started, sometimes I snap, and for a few reasons , this morning was one of them. My husband was grumpy, my toddler was being an A-hole (straight up)  and my 18 month year old was being so possessive and clingy . My husband made a dig at me ( in response I think to a dug at him - let's be real) it was probably like a level 3 offence and I had like a level 17 reaction. I screamed, I cried, I threw a damn carton of eggs ... Who in their right mind does that? And then stormed off to go cry some more - all in front of my two little boys and my husband who was holding on to his compsure by the skin of his teeth. 

After I calmed down, I was SO humiliated. So embarrassed. I didn't even want to see my husband let alone acknowledge my toddler-level tantrum. Of course, once Ryan had calmed down, he came and found me and talked me off the ledge (he's giving me extra grace due to extra hormones!)I of course knew I had to, and did, apologize to him for my outburst and then went and sat down with the kids to restore our standard of relationship.

I know my boys are young, and may not understand everything I say to them - but I'll tell you one thing, I'm often shocked at what they do understand, so I always try to cover my bases. Something with Nehemiah (3 1/2 years) we've really been working on is yelling when he's angry (where oh where could he have gotten that from?) I try really, really hard not to yell at my kids. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room when Nehemiah is just pushing the boundries as far as he can get away with. But something I've been trying in my life, to teach him, is not to yell or respond emotionally. When Nehemiah yells at me, although it easily gets my blood pressure pumping, I try as calmly as possible to say: " Nehemiah, mommy doesn't yell at you, please don't yell at mommy." But the thing is - then you need not to actually yell. It's. Hard, but it is working. 

So this morning I apologized to my boys for 

1. Yelling 

2. Not having self control over my anger 

3. Talking rudely to their father 

4. Throwing things ( I cringe even writing it #facepalm) 

Of course Nehemiah was like, ."..okkkk... I forgive you ... Can I watch my show again ?" But I really feel it is a small way I can show respect for them and hopefully earn their trust that when mommy screws up, she will own it and fix it. Resulting in teaching them to do the same; practice self control by trying not to yell, be mean or get physical when we are angry , when we do mess up - own it and apologize to those we hurt, know that we are loved and will be forgiven and given another chance to grow. The only way I can expect my children to grow in that maturity, is to model it first myself - even when I fail.