Self Care In The Struggle

It’s been a challenging year in many regards, seasons when I just had to take it day by day, but one of the main takeaways from all of this was learning how to strengthen, nourish and pick my own self back up again.  I would say the theme of this year for me was self-care. And I don’t mean bubble baths and spa days - although that would be amazing and I’m sure revitalizing, no self-care for me this year was about having compassion for myself, investing in myself, listening to myself, validating myself & finding ways to re-fuel & fuel up myself -stopping to expect myself to perform well on empty. Here’s a list of the things I did, bought and changed to provide care for myself - you will notice, most of these things cost money. If you are looking for free ways to love yourself, I’m sure you can find them, but I had to stop the narrative of me not thinking it was worth it to spend money on just my happiness, satisfaction, health or development.  It’s always been easy for me to justify practical investments or even splurges on my husband or kids, but for just me… I could and would often convince myself I could do without, I could be resourceful and find a cheaper alternative but honestly … it was a lot of just plain old not valuing myself. I couldn’t attach barely any dollar amount to myself because I couldn’t see my worth. So that will lead into the first “item”

1. Spending Money On MySELF :  I chose, and continue to choose letting go of guilt or shame for spending money on me. I’ve pushed back on my husband on things I wanted (which he never had an issue with - he just was not use to me vocalizing my needs and wants as I really hadn’t in the past) I started incorporating a budget for me. “$10 a month for this, $50 a month for this… $100.00 a month for this.” I am the matriarch of my home and family - I have A LOT of responsibilities - even in easy “care-free” times, I’m still the Queen. What would happen if I dropped dead? Literally? Or I am dying mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Any organization is always capped by it’s leader. What I found out when I hit empty and still had to be a Queen? It’s expensive. Knowing yourself and proactively caring for you may seem expensive - but I promise you - reactive spending and allowing for “leaks” in your physical, mental and spiritual health is 10 times for expensive. So if this is new for you - expect to spend more money now, digging yourself out of a pit , then you will need to spend long-term to keep yourself going on dry land. Sure there are seasons or times where you don’t have extra money to start spending on you, but for me, even us having a strict budget to keep a family of 6 running - I saw money being wasted, I was even wasting money. Making sacrifices, even with what I spent on my kids , and re-allocating resources for me - so I could be the best version of myself which will benefit all who live in my land.
2. Boundaries: In all my relationships, from my parents, to my husband to my children to my friends. I started having a voice, not one that bulldozes people or has a take it or leave it attitude, but not one that is apologetic either. The 2 challenges in communication with my relationships for me is 1. Softening my delivery - getting your needs met in relationships when your attitude has always been “I’m good.” can feel like your gasping for oxygen, breathing for the first time. This can trigger a lot of negative  emotions, and vulnerability which for me can easily trigger my fight or flight response 2. Staying firm even though I’m being gentle. I’ve had to walk away from relationships that would not let me change the narrative around me, I had to have hard conversations with other people to change that narrative. Still I had other people I had to stop chasing and with my kids. I had to start telling them, “I’m in the bathroom… I’m not going to talk to you right now. You can wait.” 
3. Validating my joys and strengths:This was probably one of the hardest things for me to spend money on - things that brought me joy or were beneficial to just me. But the funny thing is with those bad money cycles with unmet needs, in the past I would often find myself overspending in other areas or reactive spending , going out for one thing and blowing the budget instead, I would liken it to being starved and than show up at a banquet and overeating and gorge yourself because 1) you hadn’t fed yourself in so long you lost touch with when enough is enough and 2) You don’t know when you are going to “eat” again - so you fill yourself past capacity.  I start spending money on makeup again, getting my hair done, clothes, I started buying some of my favourite foods in the groceries again, instead of buying goldfish and veggie straws, I bought just one and bought myself a $5.00 slice of Brie. I began to search for and honor the things that brought me joy. One of the definitions in the bible for joy is “an inner delight” I started carving out time, resources and space - in whatever way I could afford to prioritize things and experiences that only brought internal benefits, it may sound like total luxury, especially for moms, but I think that we are actually made and designed for joy, so it is perhaps a luxurious necessity.
4. Mental Health - All the health. Yea .. I invested in some therapy this year - again. I’ve got a good streak going! But trying to prioritize me and starting to take care of me, brought a lot of beliefs, mindsets and patterns to the surface not to mention how it impacted my relationships were I often played the role as either a doormat or a guard dog. I hear such a strong narrative around therapy that is shame-based, embarrassment , it feels like admitting defeat or like you are majorly screwed up, but I heard once somebody comparing therapy work to going to the gym. And I think it’s a brilliant comparison. Nobody sees an out of shape or overweight person starting to go the gym and eating healthy and think “omg - how humiliating, they are losing weight, feeling better and getting stronger.” And I mean this in the kindest manner, no over-weight or obese person is thinking “oh no - if I start going to the gym, people will now see I’m overweight, or struggle with food or I’m out of shape…” When it comes to our bodies, our struggles are often visible for everyone to see, nobody is walking around in a “skinny suit” that they take off when they get to the gym and everyone is shocked. I would propose your emotional and mental struggles although may not be as blatantly visible to others, you're not fooling anybody. We all know you have issues - everybody does. Just like some people’s struggle with weight will show more easily than others,  some people’s heart issues or mental health will be more evident. So get the help. The hardest part I don’t think is realizing we need help - although that is a big awakening, it’s swallowing our pride and telling someone else, we have a weakness, we have a vulnerability, we have a problem, we need help. And just like showing up and the gym or getting our for a walk, real work doesn’t look pretty, it’s not flattering, it’s not contrived and clean. It’s messy but making your heart “sweat” both physically and emotionally is good for you. Exponentially. 
5. Physical Health : I started making doctor’s appointments, I know, that’s part of being an adult - but it’s a win for me. I know when I mentioned above about dropping dead I was being a little dramatic - but also - not. This vessel is ALL I have - my capacity, limit and impact will be crushed if my body literally can’t take it. I literally can only go as far, and stay there, as my body will allow. And I’m not talking about people with disabilities or handicaps, I’ve watched TED talks this year by people with no limbs that have done more with their life than people who have never had a single health issue. What I’m talking about is maintenance. When it comes to my body my goal is not to be “Healthy” that’s too broad and ambiguous. My goal for my body is for it to be Strengthened, Nourished and Rested and to live a lifestyle of maintaining my strength, nourishment and rest. 
6. Picking Myself Up Again: I realized with my temperament, I’m going to have ups and downs, in life there are going to be seasons of peace and seasons of difficulty and I need a plan in place for when I find myself in a valley in life how to keep going. This resulted in when I was in my “high” places evaluating, “What brought me here? What inspired me? What motivated me? What gave me energy?” I also asked similar questions with “Whos” as in “who inspired me?” and “whys” “Why was I motivated or energized?” And I began to shore up my banks. This often was me finding my favourite speakers on youtube and listening to them - sometimes before I could even get out of bed in the morning. Just lying there listening for 10 minutes to T.D. Jakes saying “You’ve got a purpose, don’t give up now, I know it looks bleak but there’s too much at stake for you to stop fighting.” Or sometimes I would listen to prayers for breakthrough. When I hit the bottom and am utterly exhausted - I’ve allowed myself to get past the point of self-regulation and being able to pray myself. I need to pull some others in to re-fuel. Podcasts and Youtube videos have been my lifeline when I couldn’t connect to friends and family.