The role the subconscious plays in our relationships and how we relate to people is incredible. This has been a really tense week for Ryan and I. We are both being pushed to our limits with the challenges of a new family; not sleeping enough, not enough down time, not enough time-period, not being able to stay on top of keeping the house clean, both of us working Ryan working full time and me part time,things now tighter financial that I am not working full time anymore and we have doubled in expenses since this time last year, ,and all the other commitments and life things that come up ( I still haven't gotten the nursery set up!!)So we are being stretched..as new families usually are, but this week I've been extra aggravated. And sometimes a fight is what brings to light what is really going on.
A couple that is close to Ryan and I are going through a divorce, and it seems new information keeps coming to light every week that is making things nastier and nastier. It's scarey being a newly married couple and as your marriage and life together is starting, you are witnessing first hand someone else's marriage and life together end. You can't help but question why? Why did it get this bad? Where did it go wrong? What were the small issues that were never talked about that got enormous and then unbearable?Then the magnifying glasses moves to your marriage, whether you realize it or not your start examining your relationship or your spouse for issues.
And of course you will find them, and then like a private eye you look for those issues rearing their ugly heads in every interaction you have and you WILL find them there, whether they really are there or not.
Last night Ryan and I got to a breaking point. One of those breaking points were you have violent urges to knock in your spouse's teeth. I finally came clean on what had really been bothering me all week, I FELT like my husband was selfish, that he was more concerned about meeting his needs first and that I was not a priority to him.My husband, of course took huge offense to this, and took it as a personal attack. He asked for examples of how he put himself first. I gave him three examples from yesterday.
#1) He woke me up at 6:30 in the morning to shave his neck for him. My husband did not understand how this was a selfish act. I sweetly explained to him that I am exhausted, I am usually woken up a couple of times with the baby in the night, therefor not getting good sleep. I can't nap when the baby naps, I've never been a napper, and when I've been with the baby since 4:30 in the morning and I just get back to sleep, and you wake me up to shave your neck,it makes me feel like you think your personal grooming is more important then my mental and physical health.
#2) We were driving out to Sackville to go visit with my brother and sister-in-law I take my seat belt off and lean around to the back seat to put the soother back in the baby's mouth, Ryan gets mad and tells me to sit down and put my belt back on before we get a ticket. My husband didn't understand this one either. I explained to him my issues with this behavior. I understand that I should wear my seat belt because it is the law put in place to protect me, what hurts is that he sees me doing something dangerous and he thinks about what it is going to cost him (the ticket) instead of what it could cost me( my life). With him citing the ticket as the reason for me to buckle up instead of my safety, I feel like he is more concerned with his pocketbook then my life.
#3) We are picking up supper at McDonald's Drive thru (I love their southwest salads) and I ask him to ask for a glass of water for me ( I am against bottled water when safe tap water is available) He refuses because he is too embarrassed to ask for something for free. I explain that this upsets me and I feel like it is an act of selfishness. I am sick and breastfeeding and am dehydrated and have a painful dry throat. However, he puts his pride over my comfort and health.
Now you are probably thinking, wow, she is a totally lunatic getting so mad over all those little things OR, wow, her husband is a total jerk. But wait...neither is true...phew!
As I was pouring my heart out to my husband about how these small trivial mistakes were angering me to the point I didn't want to be around him, I actually accidental end my rant with a confession. I am scared.I was shocked, but it was the truth, I was scared to lose my husband in 30 years. These small incidents where it FELT like my husband didn't put me first,represented, to me, the ability to put himself first in 30 years and walk away when he wanted to. I was terrified, and it had totally been consuming me all week without me evening realizing it. Every time my husband did something that didn't scream " I LOVE MY WIFE" I planted a seed of fear and of doubt in him. Telling myself," he's not gonna protect you, he's not going to be there for you, you're going to end up alone; exhausted, used and helpless." Which, for the record, does not have an ounce of truth in it. My husband our entire relationship has grown leaps and bounds, and continues daily become a more selfless person.
Once we realized what we were really fighting about, the fight was over. I realized that I was taking small imperfections, that need to be worked on, and making them, huge life altering problems.
You can't always control what comes up in your life, and you can't control your subconscious. But you can control your media (exposing yourself to dysfunctional relationships on tv and in movies can have the same affect on your subconscious) and you can control your actions, your emotions and your thoughts. So if things are getting a little tense at home, ask yourself, what are the real issues here? Am I upset because my husband woke me up when I was exhausted? Yes, but Why am I fuming about it?
Ryan and I were able to acknowledge some messy issues and the tension between us has lifted. We are both gonna work on the little things to make sure things don't get out of hand and make sure to have EXTRA grace with each other. But again it comes down to communication, but in order for communication to really work, you first need to know what you really want to communicate.
4 comments:
You're exhausted, Hun. <3 I get like that too when I'm tired. "serial worrier" I think that the security you're after comes with time. It will get better.
Bless You Sarah! I understand the "root of the issue" arguements :) I really recommend the book "Sex God" by Rob Bell (its about intimacy with God first of all) - we are always referring back to that book we read while we were dating that said simply: "This is about that." - its happens ALL THE TIME :) I am so glad you and ryan talk about all these little things - you cant survive stuffing them behind a wall, they only jeep growing and snowballing - something like the water thing would bother me too - you are both completely normal people!! we are all so different and need to learnt o love and laugh over each others differences. BLESS BLESS BLESS YOU and your adorbale new little boy too - communication is key. its great to have an outlet too ;) This is reminding me about how much i used to journal... ~ Cheryl
Being a new mom is so difficult for a family in the beginning but the rewards pay off ten fold or more. Bear with your husband as he bears with you and talk - most importantly take some time for yourself to simply communicate.
And control your emotions, establish your personal happiness and then your success as a couple, as a family will only grow.
Thank you ladies for you encouraging words ! You are all right, it will get better with time as we grow and learn. I'm excited for what is to come!
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