So A good friend of mine had read my last blog post about oxytocin, and being the brilliant woman she is, went on and did some of her own research and found the original documents from the experiment done by the scientist, Rebekah Turner in 1999 http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1999-03223-001 . Where Mark is getting his information from is from a paper written in 2001 by Dr. Keroack, who misinterpreted Turner's findings. This article she sent me from 2006 explains what seems to have happened, http://legacy.signonsandiego.com/news/politics/20061204-9999-1m4letter.html . Apparently there is no proven connection between levels of oxytocin and how many partners you've had. I don't know if this is comforting or not! Haha! Ok so I don't have brain damage, I'm just heartless? Ok I feel better! lol , but in a sense, it does make me feel better because there is something I can do about that.I control my love, I control how I treat you. No matter what you do to me, I always have a choice on how I can respond. But I have so many defenses up, in so many areas of my life, from previously being hurt.
A lot of issues resulting from a relationship with an ex have been coming up the past two weeks. For those that have known me for quite some time, you probably know who I am talking about. It kind of came to a spearhead when I was thinking about sex the other night, ( as you can probably tell by my blog posts, I think about it a lot lol) My husband and I had just had an amazing time and I was reflecting. Even though things between me and him are getting better and better daily, I'm still scared to get close to him, I'm still scared to be intimate with him, I'm still scared to tell him what I want, I still get paralyzed with fear every time he gets "that look" in his eye and I know he wants some! I have a really hard time talking about my relationship with my ex, it makes me feel physically ill. A lot of our relationship I don't remember. A lot of it I haven't shared with anyone, no one have I shared it with completely. Ryan probably knows the most out of anyone, and when I shared with him what I was going through, the way he responded was one of the reasons I was originally interested in him. When I started opening up to him in math class about the abuse that was going on, he really seemed concerned and like he cared. He asked if I would come over to his house after school. I did, because any man giving me attention I'd fling myself at, but Ryan responded differently then every other guy ever had, and ever did afterwards, he didn't touch me, he sat at the other end of the room and listened, gave some good advice, and offered his support. Ryan and I went our separate ways after we graduated high school, until a little over a year later we reconnected and started dating, but I still, to this day, do not forget how he made me feel that afternoon, this non-christian, partying, drug addict treated me better then any of my christian guy friends ever had, he did not make a single advance. ( Talking about Ryan on the other hand makes me so happy!)
Anyways so I was lying in bed mulling over how terrified I get with sex and a couple of incidents from my previous serious relationship flashed in my mind. I had given this guy my virginity, it was nothing special, and I hadn't expected it to be, I was simply curious about what sex was, "what is everyone talking about?!" I remember thinking, "is that it?" lol ...as I am sure many girls have their first time. I don't remember if I was 15 or 16, most of it is all a blur, but I remember losing my virginity, and I remember one time we were having sex (I feel like I am going to vomit) and I was talking to him, not about cheeseburgers, but trying to engage him, I don't think I need to be more descriptive then that, and he got really angry at me, and started yelling at me and telling me to shut up, that I was getting him out of the zone, WHILE HE WAS STILL INSIDE OF ME. I don't remember how I felt at that moment, but I can't imagine it being very good. Thinking about this is very painful, sharing about it even more cause I need to process it all. He'd slap me or punch walls if we got into a disagreement. I remember him driving out into the middle of no where in a field and pinning me to the back window of the car screaming in my ear as loud as he could taunts and threats. I tried leaving him a couple of times, If I was ending it over the phone, he would show up at my house, or at my work and threaten me or my family. If I tried to leave him when I was with him, he'd get physical with me, either pushing me to the ground making sure I couldn't get up or locking me in a room. After we broke up, he told me if he could kill me, how he would do it. And continued to threaten me that he would hurt my family, particularly my dad. I really don't remember a lot of other things from our relationship, except for him lying to me all the time, and one weekend we went to Fundy and had a blast, that Canada day weekend is probably the only good memory I have with him, and I don't even remember what we did, I just remember being happy.
This mess, this guy was my life, I threw my everything into it. My parents did not approve of the relationship, so me being my independent self, demonstrating I can do what I want, and no one can make me do anything, pulled away from my family, my mom and dad, brothers and sister, and invested deeper into this relationship. I Think one of my biggest regrets, is missing out on those 4 years of my brother and sister really transitioning into adults, I just wasn't around at all. Once I was no longer a virgin, I knew I had screwed up bad and God was probably mad at me, so I pulled away from him, the church, and all my christian friends , and invested all that energy into the relationship. My ex was really jealous and controlling, so anyone else that tried to get close to me or be my friend, he shut down pretty quick, especially if they were guys. So he became my family, my friends, my church and my god, my life perspective, my everything, my identity and I was nothing. I had no needs, no wants, it was all about him. I think that might be one of the reasons why woman go back again and again to abusive relationships, they really feel like they are nothing without him. The physical abuse, yah that sucked, but I was a tough kid, I'd hit him back, but the emotional abuse and the mind games, absolutely destroyed me. He was malicious in crushing my spirit. And it worked, cause I let him, like I said earlier, I always have a choice in how I respond to how you treat me, and I accepted it from him.
Seeing now how he was my everything and I lived for him, and he used intimidation, manipulation and fear to control and belittle me I am starting to understand why I have a hard time making my needs and my wants expressed, in any area of my life. I am waiting for the backlash when I assert myself, and state that I am important too.
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