the weight of bad decisions

My husband and I were watching "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" seminars by Mark Gungor, and the episode we were watching tonight was "The #1 Key to Incredible Sex." ..we didn't finish it, we usually only watch about half of the seminars at a time because we are so worn out by the time we get to them and go to bed 30 minutes into them. But what we had seen tonight was intense, for me. Ryan stopped the dvd about half way through and started to initiate discussion about what we had just watched. I was cold and distant not giving him much, which he noticed right away. He asked why I was mad at him, twice actually, both times I replied, I'm not mad at YOU.I was mad, but at myself, not him. He could recognize I was going into coping mode, putting up my walls, pushing him away and festering. He told me to come here so I went and lied on the couch in his arms and felt his heart beating away in his chest, I don't know if it's a women thing, or just a me thing, but I've always loved listening to Ryan's heartbeat. Tears welled up in my eyes and I told Ryan "I fucked up, really badly." Ryan asked if I could be more specific, "Are you talking about your past?" I nodded my head yes. "Oh baby he said we've all made bad decisions..." he replied. " I know, but I've made 10 or so REALLY bad decisions." Ryan laughed a little "I've made way more then 10 bad decisions ." "But do they haunt you every day?" I asked, "no...not everyday" he said quietly and kissed me on head.

My son, again was the first one that really brought this issue out in me. I feel like I am having a hard time bonding with him. My husband thinks I'm being silly, he says he can tell by the way I look at Nehemiah the love I have for him and feel for him. And I do love my son...I just feel like he's not mine. And maybe that's normal, but I'm uncomfortable with it. Mark Gungor was sharing in the seminar we were watching tonight about how women release the chemical oxytocin when they have sex, it is also released shortly after labor, and during breast feeding, it is commonly referred to as the love hormone, as it bonds the woman to whoever is causing the chemical imprint. However, the more sexual partners a woman has the less and less oxytocin she releases with each one. As he explained this I felt sick to my stomach, paralyzed with fear, and silently begged God for mercy.

I lied in Ryan's arms, confessing my new revelation of the weight of the decisions I had made. This struggle I feel attaching to my son and my husband...this may never go away. Tears streamed down my face as I apologized again to my husband for being so stupid, "What if I've ruined our lives, what if I never get better, what if I never attach to you or bond with any of our children the way I am suppose to? How is that going to affect them? What If I've done something I can't fix? What is the extent of the permanent damage I've done?" My husband calmly replies " My God is bigger." As my mind races with fear.

I'm lying in panic mode as I realize, no new age "positive thinking", no christian "inner healing" or "prayer ministry" can fix this ...I need a supernatural touch from Jesus. I need healing, physical healing in my body's chemical makeup,possibly not even healing, possibly brand new chemicals. But would Jesus do that? Will he rescue me from this or am I going to have to live out the consequences of my sin? Is this what I get, and it's too bad, he'll forgive me and forget it ever happened, but I'm gonna have to deal with this mess by myself? My husband is speaking quietly into my ear, soothing, loving words. Some I understand and get, others I don't, as I try to figure out what's going on inside of me. It's like this ball of my emotions, and my heart, and my pain, and my confusion, and my hope, and my soul, and my spirit all tangled inside of me like a ball of yarn, bouncing off my ribcage trying to get out. Then I hear Ryan say "You are my pure bride, and I will defend your honor until the day I die..." and he continues on but BAM it was like an arrow went right into my chest and went into that messy ball of me and said "there, there is your heart," and pinned it inside my chest for me. No more bouncing , just peace and a heart covered in mess. But I knew where my heart was. I felt all I had to offer my husband was shame and the broken pieces, I lied in his arm and thought, "OMG, I am SO broken ...I'm so scared...I don't know if this can be fixed" but even though all I had was shame, Ryan told my spirit, I am defending the best in you not the worst.

I'm still scared, fear feels like my constant companionship. It's one of the only emotions I can really pin point that I am feeling.

But "Love casts out all fear..."

So God..please love me.