So I was lying in bed a few nights ago with insomnia, which has been haunting me for the past few weeks, and I started thinking about marriage and family. My husband slept soundly next to me as I processed what our relationship had turned into. I lied there and tried to wrap my mind around the fact that this 23 year old man wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then I thought about it again...this man WANTS to spend the rest of his life with me. I didn't force him, I didn't manipulate him, nobody else told him to do it, he did it cause well... he liked me. "Hmm...wow I thought...he must really like me a lot, maybe he even loves me?!" This is probably the first time I acknowledged to myself that he might love me. It dawned on me, I never really believed deep down inside that he loved me, and I never realized I didn't. "Could he possibly love ME? What is there to love that much? Why? What is his motivation? What does he really want?" Doubt of his true love for me flooded my mind.
My son Nehemiah really was the one that brought this to the surface first. People see him smiling at me, and he'll cry if someone else holds him, but he'll stop when I do. Because of this many people have said to me "Awww he loves his mommy so much!" I would smile politely and not usually say anything. But one night I was brushing my teeth and trying to justify why Nehemiah would behave the way he does with me besides that he loves me. I was looking for other reasons why he would cuddle into my chest and calm down when he would be screaming with everyone else. I just couldn't accept that he loved me and WANTED to be with me."Hmmm...this could be a little bit of an issue," I thought to myself.
Last night Ryan and I got into a huge fight. Ryan has been through a lot of pain because of me working through my issues from the first day of our relationship, and last night was another painful night for him,as I blamed him not only for the ways he's wronged me but for the ways others have wronged me as well. We sat there on the bed, me trying to pack my bags, Ryan exasperated, practically screaming he loved me more than anything in the world. He kept repeating; "I love you, I'll do anything for you, I'll change, I'll grow , we'll change, we'll grow." I finally flat out told him, " I don't believe you." Heartbroken he asked me why, "I don't know, but it's not your fault" I said.We sat for a few moments in silence, realizing we discovered the real problem but not knowing how to fix it. My hubby did what he thought was best, and pinned me down with kisses and started listing off the different things he loved about me. I started to relax in his arms and he told me a story.:
A man had been given an incredible gift; however, after he received the gift, he started avoiding the giver, it got so bad that he went into the bathroom at their church, saw the giver there and turned around and left. He realized this was unhealthy so he asked God what was going on. God told him, you don't love yourself. This man gave you a great gift, but you are scared if he gets to know you, he's going to see the real you and regret that he gave it.Regardless of whether or not I could accept my husbands love he continued to give it to me.
So right now I'm scared. Since I was at least 16-17 I've had a hard time loving people, and until recently it's only gotten harder not easier. I hated being around people with issues, church was unbearable, when I saw people all I could see was their problems. I kept my mouth shut and didn't trash talk anyone, but I also kept my heart shut. No way was I letting people like THAT into my life. I had to protect myself from their weakness. I only realized until today, I don't want to see people's issues, because I don't want them to see mine. I don't want to forgive people, because that means they'll have to forgive me. I don't want to love people and you be open with me because you'll love me back and I'll be open with you, and you'll see the real me, and you won't like it. It's hard, it's painful this revelation of my loneliness and isolation. I don't believe I'm wanted, so I don't try and make small talk or friends, I don't want the confirmation of my crippling belief. If I portray to you I don't want you and I don't need you, then you can't tell me I'm not wanted. That's my own secret. No one but me knows me, no one but me knows I'm not wanted. Tears stream down my face as I type this. My heart is heavy. ...my mind goes to my husband again ...why did he marry me? lol ... I'm more screwed up then I thought.
But for the first time in a long time, I have hope. And I am fighting to keep it. I want to be whole. I don't want to be afraid of rejection and I don't want to hate myself. I want to know love, and to love. My prayer is that God will show me he wants me, a small piece of me hopes he will, an even smaller piece, scared to admit it's even there, knows he will. But all my broken pieces pray that this revelation will become truth to me and consume every piece of me that believes I'm unlovable.
My son Nehemiah really was the one that brought this to the surface first. People see him smiling at me, and he'll cry if someone else holds him, but he'll stop when I do. Because of this many people have said to me "Awww he loves his mommy so much!" I would smile politely and not usually say anything. But one night I was brushing my teeth and trying to justify why Nehemiah would behave the way he does with me besides that he loves me. I was looking for other reasons why he would cuddle into my chest and calm down when he would be screaming with everyone else. I just couldn't accept that he loved me and WANTED to be with me."Hmmm...this could be a little bit of an issue," I thought to myself.
Last night Ryan and I got into a huge fight. Ryan has been through a lot of pain because of me working through my issues from the first day of our relationship, and last night was another painful night for him,as I blamed him not only for the ways he's wronged me but for the ways others have wronged me as well. We sat there on the bed, me trying to pack my bags, Ryan exasperated, practically screaming he loved me more than anything in the world. He kept repeating; "I love you, I'll do anything for you, I'll change, I'll grow , we'll change, we'll grow." I finally flat out told him, " I don't believe you." Heartbroken he asked me why, "I don't know, but it's not your fault" I said.We sat for a few moments in silence, realizing we discovered the real problem but not knowing how to fix it. My hubby did what he thought was best, and pinned me down with kisses and started listing off the different things he loved about me. I started to relax in his arms and he told me a story.:
A man had been given an incredible gift; however, after he received the gift, he started avoiding the giver, it got so bad that he went into the bathroom at their church, saw the giver there and turned around and left. He realized this was unhealthy so he asked God what was going on. God told him, you don't love yourself. This man gave you a great gift, but you are scared if he gets to know you, he's going to see the real you and regret that he gave it.Regardless of whether or not I could accept my husbands love he continued to give it to me.
So right now I'm scared. Since I was at least 16-17 I've had a hard time loving people, and until recently it's only gotten harder not easier. I hated being around people with issues, church was unbearable, when I saw people all I could see was their problems. I kept my mouth shut and didn't trash talk anyone, but I also kept my heart shut. No way was I letting people like THAT into my life. I had to protect myself from their weakness. I only realized until today, I don't want to see people's issues, because I don't want them to see mine. I don't want to forgive people, because that means they'll have to forgive me. I don't want to love people and you be open with me because you'll love me back and I'll be open with you, and you'll see the real me, and you won't like it. It's hard, it's painful this revelation of my loneliness and isolation. I don't believe I'm wanted, so I don't try and make small talk or friends, I don't want the confirmation of my crippling belief. If I portray to you I don't want you and I don't need you, then you can't tell me I'm not wanted. That's my own secret. No one but me knows me, no one but me knows I'm not wanted. Tears stream down my face as I type this. My heart is heavy. ...my mind goes to my husband again ...why did he marry me? lol ... I'm more screwed up then I thought.
But for the first time in a long time, I have hope. And I am fighting to keep it. I want to be whole. I don't want to be afraid of rejection and I don't want to hate myself. I want to know love, and to love. My prayer is that God will show me he wants me, a small piece of me hopes he will, an even smaller piece, scared to admit it's even there, knows he will. But all my broken pieces pray that this revelation will become truth to me and consume every piece of me that believes I'm unlovable.
2 comments:
Beautiful Sara-Jane, I have always liked you, you have always stood out to me as someone I would love to know,, your journey, is road that many have walked ,and some are walking now. Your realness will open the door for others to choose to want wholeness , I pray in agreement with you that this revelation will become truth to you , and also touch the lives of many ,,,,, stand Sara-Jane march forth you are not alone, love who you are and who you will become,a strong pillar of beauty and grace !!!!!!
Thank you Penny! Bless you!
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